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As I transcribed this one of my mother’s 1957 early Alaskan letters seven weeks into her new life, I find myself ‘wishing’ that a miracle could have been possible so that some kind of surgery could have been performed that would have removed every single remnant of my mother’s mental illness from her.  As I work with these last of the hundreds and hundreds of pages of her writing that I have transcribed, I continue to wonder, “Who actually WAS my mother?”

It’s as if her mental illness possessed her, took over her mind and body, so that who my mother ACTUALLY was had to fight and struggle to exist side-by-side within that SAME so-troubled body and mind.  When am I glimpsing my ‘real’ mother and when the ‘sick’ one?  In the end, it’s not mine to figure this out, as much as a part of me wants to.

Instead, some part of me remembers from my childhood that it was the other way around and that the ‘problem’ was me, meaning that the set-up was if LINDA could be amputated and removed from my mother’s and therefore from your family’s life, everything would have been fine!

It’s very hard for me not to feel as I read her writings (which of course do not talk about her mental illness or the terrible abuse of me she was so capable of committing) that somehow all the trouble with Linda REALLY WAS BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING BAD AND WRONG WITH ME.  Part of me tells me, “Linda, it all WAS your fault!  Read these words.  See what a marvelous person your mother REALLY was.  The problem WAS all you.  Linda, YOU BROKE YOUR MOTHER!”

In this letter I realize that my mother is describing something I would name LAND HUNGER.  This kind of hunger is carried by some people, but not by the majority.  This LAND HUNGER DID belong to America’s early pioneers, I have no doubt of this fact.   But I don’t sense this as a ‘land fever’ in my mother’s letter here.  It seems to be literally a longing, a great hunger.

My mother makes a most interesting and insightful comment in this piece of writing:

“I must have been a pioneer in my old life.”

I believe a part of my mother that was her TRUE self (not the sick self) is present in this writing:

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October 21, 1957 Monday evening

Dear Mother,

Right this minute I should be washing dinner dishes – my kitchen is a mess!  I usually attempt to wash them now immediately after dinner but tonight we ate late and I read to the children instead.  So-o- will make this short – really too!

Bill brought home Linda’s [late] Birthday package and note and my nice letter!  I just had to write you tonight – without delay – to let you know how beautiful I think the skirt is and what’s more, and this I know, we’ll relieve you – it’s a perfect fit and length!!!!!  I consider the whole thing a marvelous accomplished [sic] and you certainly are a seamstress plus everything else!  Congratulations.  I’d probably never fully appreciate the beauty of the workmanship if I didn’t sew myself – but it’s really perfectly done.  Well, I could rave on and on.

Linda does like it and I told her you did it for her because you loved her and she must show her love for you and appreciation by taking very good care of it.  I adore the colors – they’re beautiful.  Wouldn’t a royal or powder blue sweater be pretty too?  The white is very cute and fits well too – it’s also extremely versatile.  You know – even the buttons were in just the right spot.  I sure love it.

Cindy size 5 – and she looked adoringly at it and said I’d like one too!!  HINT

Knock on wood – we’re all very fine now.  The weather is very warm and that one light snow flurry weeks ago has been it!  This warm weather is most unusual for this time of year!!!  Today it showered some but the week-end was perfect.  I’ll tell you more next time I write but a short of what we did over the week-end.

Friday I did make pie, clean and The Glenn Briggs, from across the creek came over.  We had worried some over way to entertain them as they’re more your age – oh about 50 I guess – (you’re so energetic, you seem 50 – REALLY!)  We had a nice time – just talking.  He’s very nice and we both like him very much.  He’s unlike Scotty who we don’t care to see much of.  He’s natural, intelligent, bulging with ideas, enthusiastic and just plain nice!!  Could be Bill’s father – looks like Bill and acts like him – our doorish and all.  (More energetic, but that comes from living in Alaska!)

His wife is nice – more quiet and reserved and harder to get to know.  Seems to resent the influx of people here in Eagle River, even though they’re partly responsible.  They were the ones who had originally lived on Vanover’s farm, having bought the 160 acre homestead.  (Farmed and had hog ranch for seven years and then leased 40 acres to Vanovers – who bought it after three years.  They exercised an option to buy and meanwhile prices here had gone up – so Briggs regretted not waiting.  They subdivided rest here and built this house, Janie’s and their own – sold Pottel’s that house and land.  He bought another 160 acre adjoining homestead and has sold lots off and really made $ — lives off of profits!!!  Some dealer (operator).  He’s still holding about 90 acres across road, next to stream, beyond Vanovers.

Oh, Mom, we’ve been miserable this weekend and sick for land.  It’s all gone in this area – we’re too late.  If only we had come here eight years ago, I’ve been sick all week-end over it.

I found out Johnsons – parents of our babysitter – Homesteaded 160 acres five years ago.  The most beautiful land you ever saw!  Yes, five years ago we could have and we’re too late.

It’s $800 an acre now and will go up, up, up!  Many are getting rich – you multiply it!  Isn’t it sickening!  Then most are holding it for further, higher prices.  This section is booming.  They’re adding three new stores now to our shopping center – and exclusive restaurant!!

Oh Mom, I so love it here – Eagle River Road is home to me!

Saturday we looked into five acres of land Briggs told us about plus a homesteaded ‘habitable house’ (??) on it.  You see they could PROVE UP on the land, get title, and leave it.  This 160 acres belongs to the owner of the Woodcraft Shop [Bockstahler] over across from our mailboxes – the one with such beautiful lamps etc.  He originally had his shop in this house – expanded and took a business tract and now really has something.

Well, Briggs quoted 2500 for the five acres plus house.  Now it’s 4,000 and no road to it.  Well there are two roads but can’t use them – so there would be that cost.  To think this man owned this and left it.  He too, is not anxious to sell as prices going up, up, up.  His 160 acres is about three miles beyond us.  He has level land and slight slopes, all overlooking mountains, glacier and Eagle River.  It’s indescribably beautiful – I’d give all I own to own it!

He will sell these five acres for 4,000 – 1,000 down and it’s a bargain as prices stand now because it does have a partly finished house (he lived there two years) of three rooms and a well!  [Bockstahler’s ‘shack’ or ‘cabin’ we rented later in the summer]

What a view!  Oh Mother, we took a picnic there and it was grand!  Of course there’s no stream (a small brook!) but the mountains look like Heidi’s Alps and all at once I’m reminded of ‘Trail of Lonesome Pine’ scenery – remember?  It’s just as beautiful and one lonesome pine stood outside the front windows.

If we had 1,000 (ha, ha) I would buy it —  We could still homestead out someday (maybe).  It’s even gone in Valley now!  Or tract, etc. but you see, these all require you to live on them right away.  Here’s a house – of sorts – no bathroom etc. – but Bill could fix it up in a few months and we could move in when our lease here expires and save that rent.

Five acres would cost 30,000 there in Pasadena – and you’d never find it.  Lumber is so high here that house is worth something!  There’s room for horses, a garden etc. and it’s still in this section – same stores, school, etc.

The house there now is on the perfect location – it sits on a knoll overlooking the valley below and surrounding mountains.  I would like to move it elsewhere on the five acres, fix it up some – live in it build another (one room and move in) then rent the old house for $100.

Oh darn it, $ $ $ — we have a few pennies and Bills, bills, bills.

I wish you were here to talk to – and to see this scenery.  It’s spectacular, wonderful, marvelous and the skies so blue, blue – the air like wine.  You’d adore it and all the cultural advantages of Pasadena – best schools, stores, shops!!

I could kick [many underlines] us around Alaska for not having come before!  I tell you I was sick all week-end and I want to do something next summer!  Our lease here is up August first.  Come before then because I’m warning you – I’ll live in a tent or quonset hut to get land like that!

[Linda note:  And she did!  Actually a combination of both:  A Jamesway is a canvas Quonset, like a big curved tent.  This is ‘LAND HUNGER’, and she had it bad.]

The further up the Eagle River Road you go the less flat land there is.  The Johnson Place is perfect – as they have flat land and a view of the mountains and even the glacier!  Beyond it gets very mountainous – no level land – even the road is carved out of the mountain and to the right is a drop to the river and swampy land – so even as the road is built as the government plans to extend it, there won’t be livable land there!

The part that hurts me the most is that there are no hicks Mom, here.  The people are refined, educated and plain NICE – they come from California mostly (Funny).  They’re just like us and they homesteaded.  They did without electricity, roads etc. – even five years ago Mrs. Briggs didn’t have electricity here!  In fact, while building this place – it’s seven years old – they saw a bear in the yard!  And one time a baby bear was looking through our dining room window!  So there!!

Well, my dishes are still undone.  Once I get started.

So even though we would have to buy that land at $800 an acre we would be ahead.  There could be a phone, plumbing, electricity etc.  It would be half mile from Eagle River Road and one mile from nearest neighbor and four miles from shopping center – but it’s perfect for me.  Why, dream though.  It’s quite impossible.  But see, say our payments would be 40 per month – we could live in it in August, September, October and apply this 150 a month to fix it up.  1,000 down, 1,000 payments = 2,000 Balance by next August – and only 40 a month payments and no rent!  Just 100 from here for three months or so would make it livable.  Maybe we could dicker to use neighbor’s road (there are two roads already!)

Tell me your reaction.  I bet it sounds primitive to you but to me it’s right.  I must have been a pioneer in my old life.  I love I there – and it’s not rugged to me – only picturesque and beautiful.  [Linda note:  bold type is mine.]

The children adore it here too and are completely happy.  They’re real Alaskans!

Sunday they went to church and we spent afternoon home.  I made hot rolls – best yet.  It’s a basic sweet dough recipe.  I made half into Swedish Tea Ring (m-m!) and other half into Egg braid.  They both looked professional.  The Braid raised so high it filled my cooking sheet!  I’ll bake you bread and rolls next summer!

What a note – I can’t resist!

I think Carolyn is [bunch of squiggles].  So there!  Not to write and so does Bill!!  Shall I write Charlie?

Hope you’re really taking care and getting more rest and please eat right.  Maybe we’ll reserve ‘old house’ for you for summer, say!!  — an idea!  I have too many for my own good.

Good night Mom.  I miss you terribly!!  Everything here I want to share with you – how will I ever wait.  Come for Xmas instead, could you?  And again in July.  How I wish you could!!  Will be good now and do dishes.  Bill has gone up to ask Jo Anne about that movie thing I got him into – and I promised to clean kitchen up before he came home!

[Mildred sketched the five acres with notes]

House is not included in price so is really a gift.  Owners had to build it under Homesteading Requirements.  There’s flat land for garden or corral, a driveway of sorts.  Woods comprise the five acres, could be farmed or left as is.  No work on this land here, it’s forest!  Bill could use birch for outside of house and it would look like a Swiss Chalet in Switzerland.

P.S.  Finally I got a nice letter from Grace!  And a joint note from group of girls in Glendora.  Grace recently had a car accident – she’s OK.  She tells me to write (what do you know), found my letters so interesting.  Said I should contract Star News about column ‘Lloyd’s in Alaska’.  Wouldn’t hurt to inquire, will you?

I wrote various letters on Friday and sent various pictures to the whole gang.  Please explain to Charlie I wouldn’t send anything to Carolyn.  Anyways she’s selfish not to write in six weeks – plain mean!!  Anyways explain to Charlie – O.K.!  He’s so busy I didn’t want to obligate him to show them around and Elsie and Byron will enjoy it!

* I hope you keep my letters.  I spend so much time writing to you I neglect making notes for books and might need my letters to you for reference!  [Linda note:  June 16, 2010 as I transcribe these letters – again, she did not DATE any of them even with this intention to use them as historical record!  What a job I have to work from postmarks when the letters are with envelopes or piece the story together!]

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