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I believe that these blog comments posted in the past few days about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (and how I use the term ‘Borderline’ to describe my own mother) are worth a careful, thoughtful read. If you follow the live links posted below with the comments you can see the original posting the comments were made to and my replies.
Before I launch into my discussion of some of the points of view expressed in these comments, I want to mention some facts as they are appearing in the scientific community about what I call ‘The Borderline Brain’. Each of these live links below leads to related information in a Google search – and represent the very tip of the proverbial iceberg about how different a Borderline’s brain, nervous system, mind, self, are changed from ‘ordinary’:
(1) Difficulties in early caregiver infant-child interactions create developmental stress that can lead to a person developing BPD.
(2) BPD involves a developmentally ‘changed brain’.
(3) These changes affect all interactions in the brain regarding ‘self reference’
(4) BPD most often involves an insecure attachment disorder
(5) BPD affects memory
(6) BPD brain and nervous systems do not process emotion in ordinary ways. These changes affect someone with a Borderline brain in significant ways that include:
– their brain’s self-referencing resting default mode
– their ability to regulate emotion
– their ability to experience empathy for others
– their ability to process their life experiences and interactions with others because the development of their Theory of Mind is altered
– their ability to use a human-social skill called ‘mentalizing’ is affected
– all these alterations affect how the Borderline brain-mind operates – and their ‘mind sight’ abilities
(7) Epigenetic factors that change development are beginning to be recognized in BPD – that affect the way the genetic code manifests (see phenotype and genotype)
(8) All these changes are known to affect a BPD mother’s interactions with her infant and her ability to form safe and secure attachment with her offspring
(9) The BPD central nervous system is involved, their autonomic nervous system, their vagus nerve system, their stress response, their oxytocin connection system, their immune system, their hormones, and their neurotransmitters – to name just a few of the major influences that Borderline Personality Disorder can create in the body
(10) BPD can involve delusional disorders and dissociation
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Would you place YOUR well-loved child in the care of someone with life-disorder complications like those described above? We have to use our common sense – not a BPD strong suit.
When I use the term, ‘my Borderline mother’ I am describing a woman whose physiological existence was probably entirely influenced by the kinds of changes I mention above. My story is about my life as the abused daughter OF my Borderline mother.
I make no claim to be an expert about BPD. I am, however, an expert at being the daughter of my Borderline mother. I had nothing like an ordinary mother. I had a mother who was a Borderline mother – and a severely disturbed one.
My concern in writing for this blog is ONLY about people who have BPD physiology as it might relate to their ability to safely and securely parent their children. My concern is WITH THE WELL-BEING OF INFANTS AND CHILDREN.
I do not believe that my mother had any CHOICE about how she behaved toward me and the rest of my family. The only CHOICE that could have influenced positive change for my mother would have needed to come from the outside and would have needed to be court ordered and professionally enforced.
In essence, I firmly believe that in cases like my mother’s, her children needed to be permanently removed from her care. Any contact she might have then been able to have with her children would have needed to be strictly (professionally) supervised.
In today’s world of not wanting to be ‘politically incorrect’ we put ourselves at risk for leaving infants and children in dangerously abusive, unsafe and insecurely attached environments with Borderline parents – especially mothers. There is no comparing – as the commenter below suggests – between an inadequate and/or dangerous BPD parent and a ““lesbian mother” or “over-eater mother”.” My Borderline mother had no problem with bashing my 4-year-old head in the toilet, for example.
The very last people on this great green and blue earth that we can afford to listen to about the dangers to infants and children of Borderline Personality Disorder parents are PBD parents, themselves – for ALL of the reasons I just pointed out above.
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Comment posted by reader to: MY BORDERLINE MOM
Hi,
It is okay for me if you want to post my comment and also okay if you don’t. Mostly I would like to express my personal feelings about your blog (basically one particular thing).
First, I read your blog on occasion. I am DID [Dissociative Identity Disorder] and can relate to what you write about. I think you do a wonderful work with your blog and it does help others (at least it helps me).
The thing that bothers me is how you slam your “BORDERLINE” mother. I know everything you went thru was terrible (I have my terrible experiences) but as a BPD [Borderline Personality Disorder] mother it really hurts me how you always refer to her as “Borderline Mother” as if all borderline mothers are terrible monsters. I am DID and Borderline and anorexic and . . . . I have 4 outside kids who belong to a 14 yr. old alter who no longer wants them because they are not “babies” any more. I have stepped in and am working really hard to be the best mom I can be. Most of the time my BPD is contained inside (comes with a lot of “inner self-harm” because it does not get released). I do not want that crap released onto these kids.
When other people read your site and are not real familiar with BPD they will assume all BPD moms are out right crazy. Then if they come across my blog and read that I am BPD they will assume I unleash that same crazy stuff onto my kids and I do not. I wish you not refer to your mom as terrible, crazy “Borderline” mom (though I am sure she was). Maybe you could mention she was (is) borderline once or twice and then just refer to her as “crazy, horrible, terrible” instead of slamming the borderline word around when referring to her.
I cringe somewhat when I come to your site, though I like it, because I believe all borderline moms do not behave as such on the outside. I have begged my psychiatrist to remove that label from me but I know I have it. I just hate the way people out there slam it so frequently.
Thanks for listening to me rant! I only wanted to point it out to you. I will still read your site anyway I just do not need to be reminded about how terrible I am.
Thanks
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Next comment posted by this same reader to: +WORD WARRIOR NEWS: “GO IN PEACE, MY MOTHER.”
Hi, I appreciate you listening to my feelings, posting my comments, and leaving it open for others to post also. I am not sure what you are saying in this new post. It seems like you are still saying bad things about borderline mothers, borderlines in general. But I could be totally wrong. When I see borderline and “yanking out the jugular” that does not feel good. Yank YOUR mom’s jugular, not all borderlines behave that way. Why can’t you just say “My Mother” instead of always attaching the BPD with it? You can mention her detailed issues, BPD being one of them, in another place where you explain more about you and your family.
I do not know where I am on the spectrum of borderlines but I can tell you it has to be a conscious effort on my part to think through things before I react. It is a work in progress. I am not the best mom and I lose it at times. I believe any mom can admit that.
One of the beliefs of Dr. Colin Ross (DID expert in Dallas) is that all DID people first split into BPD (that is the FIRST split) then DID comes next. The more I think about it the more I can see this making sense. Some in our system ARE BPD while others are not.
I wonder how others would feel if you were referring to your “lesbian mother” or “over-eater mother”. I do not think it is necessary to continue slamming the BPD label down with the abuses your mother did to you. It is like saying BPD is completely uncontrollable and all of us are crazies who should be in a mental institution.
My mother launched BPD stuff on me all of my life but I would not refer to her as my BPD mom repeatedly. She is my mom and she had a choice not to behave that way but she chose to. I have a choice NOT to behave that way. I am learning a new way.
I understand your anger, your frustration. It just seems you are SO focused on just BPD and not all of the other ways moms abuse their kids. If you abuse kids you abuse them no matter what your diagnosis.
Anyway I am sure my therapist will recommend I stop reading this blog as she does a lot of the blogs I read because it upsets our system. I am thankful to be able to speak up for all of us and express how we feel when we read the BPD references.
Post or not I am okay either way.
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Followed in time of posting by this comment by another reader also to: +WORD WARRIOR NEWS: “GO IN PEACE, MY MOTHER.”
Linda, In reading your blog, I would assume that your mother was on the severe end of the borderline spectrum. Borderline personality can manifest itself as extreme anger and violence–it is what it is! The label itself explains much of your mother’s bizarre behavior. I know not all borderline’s are like your mom just like all depressed people don’t stay in bed all day or commit suicide. It’s a matter of degrees but it is what it is!
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Followed by yet another reader to +FOOLED BY AN ABUSIVE BORDERLINE? – MY MOTHER’S EXPERT DISTORTION OF REALITY
Linda,
There would be a quite a lot of people who would call it a bluff. But rest assured, I completely agree with you on this count. Your assessment of BP (borderline personality) is just about perfect. In my case however it is my father and his mother (my grandma) who appear to be the culprits. It appears that BPs are compulsive control-freaks and their entire life revolves around a desperate and somewhat diabolical obsession to take charge of everything and everyone around them. The best option for a non-BP in most situations would be to walk-out on these scheming maniacs without prior warning. As I have observed trying to warn these people of dire consequences if they do not stop their abuse is usually counter-productive. It simply strengthens their resolve to find more innovative ways of abuse. It is only when they [have] no fall-guy left to flog, that they are faced with the terrifying reality of their madness and usually break down irreversibly.
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Infants and children born to a Borderline Personality Disorder parent DO NOT HAVE THIS CHOICE: “The best option for a non-BP in most situations would be to walk-out on these scheming maniacs without prior warning.”
It is up to outside informed and compassionate adults to protect ALL children. In my opinion, we cannot trust those with Borderline Personality Disorder to parent their infant-child appropriately. While this fact might not be true in SOME BPD parent cases, my strong suspicion is that as long as we continue to turn away with our blind eyes to the possibilities for severe distortion of reality with a BPD parent’s brain-body-mind that can lead to their offspring’s’ maltreatment, we are risking being contributors to this infant-child maltreatment.
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Prevalence:
BPD has a higher incidence of occurrence than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, and is present in approximately two percent of the general population. BPD has been evidenced in all cultures. It is estimated that between 10 percent of clients in outpatient clinical settings and 15 to 20 percent of those in inpatient psychiatric settings meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD.
Thirty to 60 percent of those presenting with a personality disorder have BPD.
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Stop the Storm 
I have BPD, with a co-existing diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder.
I am also a mother.
I have an eight month old child, whom is the center of my world. It is because of him that I opted to seek treatment, and I honestly believe that has made all the difference.
Initially, we had problems bonding. Here was this tiny, red, screaming person that I had nothing in common with. My primary function was to take care of it, feed it, protect it. After about a month, when my hormones began to readjust to a non-pregnant state, it triggered a severe dysphoric manic episode, followed by a period of emotional detachment.
I did not harm my child, don’t worry. My husband could see my behavior escalating, as could I, so we opted to have him leave the house and stay with my parents, with the baby, until the worst had passed. Once the storm had dissipated, my husband gently urged me to seek treatment. Although I initially opposed the idea of going into therapy and taking the full ‘bipolar cocktail’, there was a small voice in the back of my head whispering, “But what if it happens again? What if next time, you don’t see it coming? What if next time the baby is in the line of fire? You have to be responsible for someone else now.”
That voice was right. I entered treatment when my son was six weeks old, and I’m still sticking with it.
Medication has helped to soothe the savage beast that squirms under my ribs. I take them faithfully. I keep a journal and a daily mood chart. If I have two days in a row where I feel myself becoming agitated, I immediately let my husband and my family know. If it persists, I call the doctor. Those episodes are becoming fewer and far in between.
And my son? He is amazing. He’s so funny, and intelligent. His smile will break your heart, in its sweet, sunny innocence. He is my favorite person, and he is worth it. He is so worth it. I want to be the sane mommy he deserves, and I will do everything possible to become that woman. And if I can’t, I’ll do anything to protect him from when I become my own worst enemy.
My doctor is hopeful that with time and plenty of therapy, I’ll continue to improve. He has said that I am not the most severe case he’s seen, and that there are patients more severe than myself that have gone on to live fruitful, healthy lives.
My point is (and I do have one) is that every person has a choice: Do you let your disorders control you, or do you take the reins and control your disorders? I chose to take control, for the sake of my son, and for myself. I am sorry that your mother did not do the same.
There is light at the end of the tunnel for some of us. It just depends on whether we’re willing to get out of the storm and reach for it.
My mother lived a few generations back in time — there was no name for Borderline Personality Disorder. I still suspect that BPD could even now with current technology be accurately diagnosed with brain imaging technology while a person is performing specific diagnostic tasks during the scan. A BPD brain, I strongly suspect and research is backing this up, does not work the same as ‘ordinary’ people’s brains work. Info is processed differently
which, in perhaps all but the worst cases such as my mother was, could probably mean education and the kind of willingness you describe (and with meds in many cases) that a BPD person and all in association with them could learn what these altered brain (and nervous system) patterns are so that very real and practical ways could be found to NOT let the illness rule – and destroy – everyone’s life around the BPD person.
The critical part of your comment, to me, is that there is a father and family available for this child so that the burden of parenting does not rest on you. Everyone in the life of the child needs to be educated about BPD – and it sounds like this is happening. It is the life of the child that matters most. That’s what being parents means. Sounds like you are all on the right track – congratulations!!
Very clearly articulated position now I think, Momma. Hope that feels better.
Yes and no, I guess. It is a devastating (under-diagnosed and misdiagnosed) condition, one that I believe can to a large extent be prevented because it can be avoided with the right kind of safe and secure attachment-parenting — especially during that most critical brain-building stage 0-1. From there, all important aspects of infant-child development through the age of 7 are also high-risk stages with a Borderline parent – again, especially the mother.
The implications of what I state in this post are profound. Parents do not own their children. Children do not belong to their parents. Children are owned and belong to their very own self. The healthy, balanced and best self possible cannot, I don’t believe, be built from birth with a mother that is anywhere along the more severe end of the BPD continuum.
With public education, the best scenario would be that those with known BPD would be aware and responsible enough to NOT have children.
If they do have children, the next best scenario would be to get enough information ‘out there’ that these parents would VOLUNTARILY and IMMEDIATELY seek the best parenting skill-building help they can find – and TELL the parenting professionals what their condition is. Everyone involved with early childhood education, infant mental health, parenting education, child protection as well as the medical professionals need to be informed of BPD – and the great risks for inadequate and/or abusive parenting that ARE PART OF THIS DISORDER.
In worse-case scenarios, like my mother’s would have been, the children need to be removed and allowed contact with their parents under close supervision. I would think it unrealistic that the most high-risk-for-abusing parents would volunteer for help, or volunteer to have their children removed from their care.
In a ‘better world’, as my sister and I have often discussed, these high-risk Borderline parents could be moved into housing with their children – and with 24-hour camera supervision – with an immediately available ‘house parent’ who could step in on behalf of the children in a parent-supportive way.
Considering that 2% of the population appears as Borderline, and even considering that these people have two children each – the impact begins to be profound because of the ability Borderlines have to most seriously harm their offspring’s body-brain development. I am talking here about the ‘invisible harm’ that creates physiological trauma-related development in offspring of these parents that does not EVER go away, and that contributes to a serious lack of well-being and good health for the lifespan of the offspring. This is more than being ‘simply’ the bizarre parenting that these BPD parents can so easily (and in my opinion likely) perpetrate.