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I don’t think I’m alone in how I feel right now. In fact, I’m quite sure other commenters have talked about this — feeling like we MUST act phony around other people, never truly feeling OK being our authentic (often quite miserable) severe infant-child abuse survivor self.
I spent the day physically active, working hard to concentrate on every screw I placed, every rock I placed, every paint brush stroke, every step I took throughout the day — so I could, if possible, neither THINK or FEEL.
The fact of the matter is that I don’t want to be alive. I wondered about this today in terms of how I felt as a child way before I could ever think in terms of not wanting to be alive. I think it’s something my body knew, my soul knew – but I had no words for anything I felt. I had no thoughts about anything I felt, either.
But for all my suffering for those 18 first years, did I not want to be here? Do I feel the same today as I did back then only now I know what and how I feel? Today I realized it’s not accurate for me to say “My heart is breaking.” My heart is broken. It broke when I was very very very young and small, and I honestly think, except for distractions over the years of my life, that my heart has always been broken and always will be. At 58 I’ve run out of rope waiting for a miracle.
As I’ve written before, being diagnosed with advanced, aggressive breast cancer nearly 3 years ago was most difficult because I KNEW I didn’t want to be here. I can’t say that I went through any of my treatments because I truly wanted to. Authenticity would have me dead by now. I fought it for everyone else, and I am mad as hell I am still here – and that’s the authentic truth.
As one commenter suggested today, no amount of compassion or forgiveness, empathy or understanding, no amount of intellectual fact finding is ever REALLY going to take the pain away of what was done to us.
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One thing I did today was toss every single piece of my mother’s writing I have already transcribed into the compost pile. (For some reason all pictures are included in the slideshow, but below that is the description that goes along with the fence pics!)
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I also finished the fence:
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So, without being able to see the man I love I am miserable. There is no reprieve now. I have to work every second of 24-hours (even when I try to sleep) – yes, it makes me soul weary! I ‘try’ to feel grateful. I ‘try’ to think about how I might ‘help others.’ I ‘try’ to have hope. But most of the time I feel like I am running up hill on empty.
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12 Alternatives to Lashing out at Your Child
In honor of April as Child Abuse Prevention Month, please remember when the big and little problems of your everyday life pile up to the point where you feel like lashing out, don’t take it out on your kids. Try any or all of these simple alternatives:
1. Stop in your tracks. Step back. Sit down.
2. Take fave deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly.
3. Count to 10. Better yet, to 20. Say the alphabet out loud.
4. Phone a friend or relative.
5. Still mad? Punch a pillow. Or munch on an apple.
6. Do some sit-ups. If you have someone to watch your children, take a walk.
7. Flip through a magazine, book, newspaper, or a photo album.
8. Pick up a pencil and write down your thoughts.
9. Take a hot bath or a cold shower.
10. Lie down on the floor or just put your feet up.
11. Listen to the radio or your favorite music.
12. Call the Prevention & Parent Helpline at 1-800-CHILDREN, from anywhere in New York, in English and Spanish. The Parent Helpline can connect you to programs and services where you can get help.
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Stop the Storm 