++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It is my continual hope as I work with my mother’s letters that sooner or later the ‘truth’ of our life with her will appear behind the façade, between the lines, or below the surface of her written words. I believe these openings do exist in the Borderline’s wall between realities.
I found one of those openings today and it was contained in one simple word I found in her July 17, 1962 letter where she stated in reference to the certain probability of another move:
“We can’t stand thought of shifting back to log house.”
That’s it, the truth about how our continual moving was in my mother’s distorted mind. We never really, actually MOVED from place to place to place. We SHIFTED!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Here is another letter that is a ‘snipit’ of the bigger picture that was the turbulent chaos of my childhood. Please follow links at the bottom of the post for the fuller context for this letter (beginning particularly on June 1, 1962) , including her references to our trip ‘outside’ Alaska.
I am amazed and stunned as I go through these letters at how completely her thinking changed sometimes from day to day, often certainly from week to week. She never was able to follow the trail of her own unpredictable and changeable thinking. Very mercurial — jam packed with unstable elements of logic, emotion, thought and action.
Of course the consequences of her radical decisions drastically affected us all, though she does not seem capable of even beginning to grasp what her ‘sick self centeredness’ is doing to her family or even to herself.
Her chaos has created an ulcer in her own body. My brother, who was turning 12 the day after this letter was written, was suffering from a terrible boil that erupted on his back. The other, unseen side of life with my mother never appears in her letters — her chronic outbreaks of unpredictable, uncontrolled rage and violence against me.
Her moving frenzy thoughts have expanded by this time not only to include travel ‘outside’ of Alaska for a California ‘visit’, but also a possible ‘transfer’ to Europe.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
June 14, 1962
Dear Mother,
Tomorrow is John’s Birthday. Thanks for the $ for him. He’s saving it to spend in Calif. For we have rented the log house until school starts – unless the Army condemns the well water, as the house has to be inspected and the water has to be safe. The Army prefers drilled wells and the log house has a dug well. We rented to a military family as you can guess and they’re very nice. We left all of the furniture etc. and we can have it back September 1st. They pay $195 so we profit 40.00 a month. GOOD!!
[Linda note: Oh great! In June 1, 1962 letters she says we’ve left homestead and moved back into log house. Two weeks later we move BACK to the homestead?!?!?]
[We] pay 135 rent but pay for electricity and rubbbish [sic] collection so profit 40.00. Now I hope they don’t move out.
If possible will come by SHIP – exciting. There’s a big Army vessel due in Anchorage Port on July 11th and will leave July 15th and get into San Francisco on 15th. [Linda note: No, I don’t think so!] If not will go by Army plane. I prefer the boat but Bill thinks space will be all taken up. I’ll try and get a clipping of the article about the boat etc. to send you!
Now this all came about because we figured that if we paid rent all summer we couldn’t go outside or anything so made a list of musts if anyone rented it. We put a sign up FOR RENT and rented it next day.
Ives came and were there to dinner (long story I’ll tell you when I see you) when people came to look at the house.
The house was beautifully fixed and they came by surprise. All went fine and next day and since all HAVOC broke lose. Luck.
[Linda note: I can just picture this. Two weeks earlier she ‘moves’ us all from homestead to log house – then sets up her ‘homey stage’ so that to all appearances we are the happiest family in the world in our ‘beautiful home’! Two weeks later everything has changed and back to the homestead we ‘move’ again!]
Well, now I hate to write you until Army approves house as that would really ruin plans. These people I trust and feel they will take excellent care of everything.
Now I insist on not staying with anybody. I wasn’t going to tell you we were even coming as I don’t want to upset anyone but you have to know so you won’t plan to come to Alaska.
I’m putting all our books etc. etc. in storage and although of course, we’re at homestead now, don’t plan to come here when we return. [Linda note: Go figure!! Back ‘home’ again! Any stability in our family? I think absolutely not! She’s already planning to move us back down the mountain – somewhere – again by fall!]
If we go to Europe will sell tractor, jeep etc. – in fact, plan to trade jeep in on new car which we will get in Seattle and I’ll drive back – want to come? Bill will come down Friday before Labor Day and we will see Fair and he’ll fly back as will only have short time off. I’ll have to drive back. I’ll try to get someone (man preferred – and young – you better chaperone) to drive.
Thought I’d ask Roy who is in Kansas and rented our room and he’d have free trip back. He went out with Mrs. Erickson in car.
I guess her house sold but she still plans to teach at Eagle River – 10 new classrooms etc. are to be added on to school!! – and new Highway completed too!
We think will just forget about homestead next winter and rest in log house and next summer take week end trips all over Alaska in our new car.
We’re going to get a Chevrolet Greenbriar – holds 9 passengers easily! [Linda note: Probably holds lots of junk for the moving frenzies, as well! Doubt it has much traction for mountain glacial ice and mud roads, though.]
We can do all this if we don’t fight homestead. We were going to add onto hut here this summer but now will wait and build cabin or basement of our house.
We may sell tractor and get 3,500 for it (! Oh, how I wish you were here to talk to. We may sell trailer for 750 – if we go to Europe. Would have to put metal roof on hut then to serve as ‘prove up’ instead of trailer.
I want to get out of homestead rut for awhile – I still love it here but we need a change of wheels.
Now I’m dying to hear your reaction.
I felt good at log house but move through [sic] me again and stomach hurts again. [Linda note: So many examples of being a victim of one’s own madness!]
We moved on our Anniversary for three consecutive years and I had to get out in one day and next day (our anniversary) go back and clean house and made four trips over this damn road and was dong wash at Eagle River Laundromat at 12:00 P.M. and got so sick I felt I couldn’t get home.
This place was so neat and is a mess now. I’m not going to sort a thing – things going in suit cases! — already.
Gosh, I’m excited.
Baby is a jewel – so good, husky and smart.
I can stay down there [California] for as long as I like.
I may go to beach a week, mountains awhile – shall we go to Santa Barbara? – Laguna? [Linda note: “I” seems to forget she has 5 children with her? Or should I say, ‘props’? Touch of the manic here?]
Bill says I can come and go as I please. I don’t want to be stuck in Pasadena. I want to see and do things.
Such fun!
I may get our car in Seattle so as to have it down there. It’s big enough to hold a crib. [Linda note: Hint. Never happened.]
I’ll bring his stroller and car seat but will need a high chair – and small crib that folds easily!!
So much to plan and do!
I’ve got enough clothes – but need some light pants.
— David wants nap. I’ll write soon. Love, Me.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Context for this letter can be found at the following links —
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Stop the Storm 