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I really believe that one of the repeating experiences any survivor of early severe trauma and abuse has – because our earliest experiences built us and built themselves into us – in the BODY memory (of course processed and translated through our trauma-built brain) of what THREAT TO LIFE feels like. I am mere moments away from being picked up by medical transport to go have a CT scan done as a follow-up for the breast cancer treatments I received and completed three years ago. I am in the midst of having what I know today as ‘a life hanging in the balance’ moment. Or should I say, an entire sequence of those moments?
Oddly enough – yet logically enough – my entire experience this morning as I wait now without food intake for the magic moment I begin to drink that very weird barium mix in my refrigerator – is ALSO connected to something my daughter shared with me last night regarding my 10-month-old grandson, C.
C’s mommy has been establishing an evening bedtime routine which includes bath time to remove the food from his body and hair as he is learning to feed himself – a fun and very messy process! Then comes the hair brushing. Then comes the tooth brushing. Mommy has the cutest little baby toothbrush – a little soft rubber thing with soft bristles on it that she sticks on the end of her pointer finger and puts into his mouth. Brush! Brush!
Last night after brushing C’s hair mommy was in full movement to hand C the hairbrush so he could practice brushing his own hair (which he does). In mid-movement mommy noticed with surprise that after his hair had been brushed he immediately opened his mouth for the toothbrush.
He KNEW what was SUPPOSED to happen next.
Rather than disturb this amazing rhythm of sequenced happenings-events, mommy DID then brush his teeth before she handed her little one his hairbrush.
NO BIG DEAL?
HUGE DEAL!
Among the many sticky notes that I have attached to this ‘ordinary’ infant-toddler growth and development chart I have propped here by my computer is this one, labeled “15 months.”
“Emotional activities and mechanisms of memory operating at this specific time.”
Unfortunately when I was doing my developmental neuroscience research a few years ago and spotted this milestone, I neglected to write the citation for this tidbit of critical information!
Today when I Google search “brain development mechanisms of memory” a host of webpages appear on my screen. If the page doesn’t come up when you click on this link, just pop these words into your own Google search and you will see what I mean.
At the moment I will just connect my thoughts together into a pattern with something else I know from this morning.
Having cancer is a distressing, traumatic experience. For me, as a severely abused and traumatized infant-child, my ‘routine’ of experience with my earliest caregivers did very very little to establish ‘reason-able’ routine into my growing body-brain. What I got was CHAOS.
I am used to thinking about my resulting DISSOCIATION in terms of its ‘opposite’ – ASSOCIATION. I know we have ‘a prefrontal associational complex in our cerebral cortex’.
“The cerebral cortex is a sheet of neural tissue that is outermost to the cerebrum of the mammalian brain. It plays a key role in memory, attention, perceptual awareness, thought, language, and consciousness.”
Without swimming around in the neuroscience soup at the moment, it’s enough for me to note here that development of our cortex speeds up in its rapid growth in the second year of life. When this happens for a little one within a traumatic, malevolent, chaotic and terrifying early caregiving environment – lots of changes can happen in the growing brain.
These changes are happening on top of the changes that happened to a severely abused infant prior to the age of one in abusive, neglectful – dot dot dot – early malevolent unsafe and insecure caregiver-infant lack-of-attachment experiences.
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So here I am this morning getting ready to go have my CT scan. Of course my entire body-brain is on high anxiety alert, even if I THINK myself into feeling calm. I am not calm.
So there I was applying my makeup when I realized (as I did many many times while I was going through chemotherapy treatment) that I had FORGOTTEN how to apply my makeup.
I forgot the sequence so that I had to CONSCIOUSLY and carefully recall the proper steps, the proper sequence, the proper ORDER, the proper pattern, rhythm, routine of accomplishing this ‘simple’ task.
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Enter changes to the development of the hippocampus through early severe trauma – along with changes to memory. Google search “infant abuse brain development hippocampus memory” and you will get an idea of what I am talking about.
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So today for the first time I am noticing that along with my thinking about ‘association’ in terms of ‘dissociation’ I am also connecting these thoughts to ‘sequencing’ and ‘dissociation’.
It seems very likely to me that the lack of order, routine, established patterns – dot dot dot – that happen within a traumatic-chaotic early environment MUST create changes in how an infant-toddler’s brain is building itself to REMEMBER.
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Again, Google search “left brain sequencing” and then add into your search “left brain sequencing language” keeping in mind we are talking about developmental brain changes that happen when an infant-toddler is being raised in a malevolent environment.
According to developmental neuroscientist Dr. Allan Schore, after the right limbic-emotional-social brain develops during the first year of life, the left brain’s development kicks in. Not supposed to be a big deal, is supposed to happen CORRECTLY under continued optimal early safe and secure attachment conditions.
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Now I feel like Mr. Monk (Yup, I’m in the throes of watching his entire series via Netflix streaming). “Here’s what happened.”
Google search “left brain sequential language foxp2” and take a look at what appears on your screen. Our human brain built its language-in-words abilities into our experience around 140,000 years ago BY USING THE SAME REGIONS of our left brain that we had already well developed by that time. (Also interesting that some language experts connect the activation of our FOXP2 gene with earlier grooming behavior so that TALKING to people IS a more highly evolved experience of ‘group social grooming’.)
When I, for example, am experiencing ‘threat to ongoing life’ and my stress response system (certainly NOT the other end of this continuum, the calm connection safe and secure attachment arm) kicks in – like it is today – I experience DISORGANIZED and DISORIENTED attachment IN MY BODY-BRAIN that is directly connected to my dissociation.
Great big gaps appear in my verbal thinking AND in my motor action. My grandson is building a boy-brain the right optimal way. In the center of all of his experiences his SELF is forming. I had no opportunity to recognize my SELF in the middle of my insanely abusive and traumatic early environment. I had no opportunity to PRACTICE being a self having a life.
I plan to take piano (keyboard) lessons soon. I anticipate that I will be learning how to play one step at a time – so that eventually everything will fit together in an ordered, organized way.
I expect that I will practice measures of a song, in order, and eventually I will learn entire songs. I will not get triggered (I hope) into backtracking out of nowhere and repeating ‘past measures’ that have nothing IN CORRECT TIME to do with where the song is going!
I will not skip measures and leave big blank gaps in the order of the music. I will not skip around, either, playing measures out-of-order! Etc. Etc. Etc.
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What my experience of having cancer and going through chemotherapy treatment did to me was make me FORGET the sequencing that I had managed to build up all by myself growing up (and all the way into my adulthood).
I had ‘learned’ how to ‘pretend’ to be an organized, oriented SELF.
When chemotherapy and trauma of cancer affected my brain’s ability to REMEMBER these super-imposed patterns I had built, my ‘fake’ was exposed.
My grandson is BUILDING his body-brain-self correctly so – to use this image – he will be the BUILDING itself. I didn’t do that. I couldn’t. I built a ‘secondary’ self like building a scaffolding around where my building-of-self was SUPPOSED to be. Under stress, my scaffolded self fell apart and collapsed.
That, to me, is what dissociation is and does. We can on a ‘secondary’ level put two and two together and build a ‘fake’ self that appears to function OK. It is NOT the same thing as getting a SELF from the inside out like my grandson is doing. He will never forget the sequencing patterns he experiences in his ordered, safe, secure earliest caregiving environment because they are building themselves into him at the same time they are BUILDING HIM.
Not so for those of us who suffered terrible early trauma and abuse.
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