+WHY I SHARE THESE PIECES OF WHO I AM NOW — BECAUSE I COULDN’T THEN?

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HERE ARE SOME LINKS TO NEWLY UPLOADED PHOTOGRAPHS FROM MY CHILDHOOD:

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*Age 10 – Picture of my brother John and me

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*Age 3 – 3 children with grandmother, closeup of me and grandmother

1955 Linda closeup with grandmother in front of the Glendora, (L.A.) house before Alaska - I was 3
1955 Linda closeup with grandmother in front of the Glendora, (L.A.) house before Alaska – I was 3

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*1959 – The jeep road leading from Eagle River road into the valley

*1959 – Children in the homestead snow

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*1960 – Precious picture dad, John, Cindy, Sharon and a wheelbarrow of seed for the fields

(I wish I was part of the family in this picture — where was I for this big event?)

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*1960 (circa) Mom planting the fields

*1962 – Log house nursery

*1963 – June 11 – Family Portrait

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*1963 5 kids and mom by cabin (possibly on trip to Santa Fe)

1963 just turned 12 -- and so sad -- I KNOW this sadness, it's rarely ever left me it was so made a part of who I am in this body.
1963 — I had just turned 12 — and so sad — I KNOW this sadness, it has rarely ever left me. Sadness was built into my body from the time of my birth. This is what it looked like when I was nearing the threshold to cross into my womanhood.

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*1965 – Tucson rented house on Hawthorne St.

*1967 (circa) Dad and the red Toyota

*Adding wood ends onto the Jamesway (circa 1968?)

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*Poem my father wrote to my mother

*Two pictures of Bill and Mildred together

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*My Childhood Guardian Angel on the Mountain Top

It was to this mountain and to this land that I formed a secure attachment.  It was this place, this land and all that lived and moved and breathed on and around it that I loved.  This place was the heart of my heart, and this Angel on the Mountain was the heart of my heart’s heart.

My Angel on the Mountain.  She has her wings spread out to her sides, her long white gown draping over the mountain.  Her head is tipped slightly to her right.  She has a halo.  I could never as a child imagine anything or anyone more beautiful.  If my mother had imaginary friends, and me her imaginary enemy -- if she was completely mixed up on who and what was real, and could not tell her children from her dolls of play ----  WELL perhaps who am I but my mother's daughter -- because I HAD an angel, not a pretend angel, not an imaginary angel -- I HAD AN ANGEL.  She was MY angel.  Right there on that mountain top.
My Angel on the Mountain. She has her wings spread out to her sides, her long white gown draping over the mountain. Her head is tipped slightly to her right. She has a halo. I could never as a child imagine anything or anyone more beautiful. If my mother had imaginary friends, and me her imaginary enemy — if she was completely mixed up on who and what was real, and could not tell her children from her dolls of play —- WELL perhaps who am I but my mother’s daughter — because I HAD an angel, not a pretend angel, not an imaginary angel — I HAD AN ANGEL. She was MY angel. Right there on that mountain top.

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This is just a picture, and a poor one at that, my mother took of some old trapper's cabin.  But I look at it, and I think, "If I could step into that place, and still have access to people I love, I would be in the closest thing to heaven I can imagine on this earth."  Yet, at the same time, I don't think heaven is more than a passing flash here on earth -- whatever it is, I think (and hope) it comes later.
This is just a picture, and a poor one at that, my mother took of some old trapper's cabin. But I look at it, and I think, "If I could step into that place, and still have access to people I love, I would be in the closest thing to heaven I can imagine on this earth." Yet, at the same time, I don't think heaven is more than a passing flash here on earth -- whatever it is, I think (and hope) it comes later.

+TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO ASK THE SERIOUS QUESTIONS ABOUT MY FATHER

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The following are the words that begin a new chapter in my healing journey.  Tonight I give myself permission  to get to know what I can about my father.  I have created a new heading page for him.

WHERE WAS MY FATHER?

Under this tab I will begin to accumulate information about my father.  I will be brave enough to let my inner self guide me in my searching and re-searching.

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Today, September 28, 2009 I feel I am finally ready to begin to face down my own feelings about my father.  I want to do this because I have NEVER made any progress toward finding my own truth about who and how my father was in my life — either when I was a child or when I was an adult — by continuing to ‘try’ to be angry with him.

My truth today is that there’s a mystery here.  I don’t KNOW my father.  He is talked about in my mother’s letters.  I even have access to letters that he wrote himself.  I have a right to explore and examine my father — as much a right as I have to do this in regard to my mother.

These pages will reflect my efforts to find my father.  I have nobody to answer to about him but myself.  I am granting myself permission to do my own explorations, find my own ‘evidence’,  search for my own understandings, come to my own conclusions — about my father.  Nobody stops me but myself.

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+SOME FANTASTIC LINKS ON CHILD ABUSE AND BRAIN CHANGES!

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Greetings to each and every person who has visited this blog during the seven weeks of absence from writing here.  I am home now after more than 10,000 miles of traveling during the past seven weeks as I visited family and friends whom I love and who love me.

The time I spent in Alaska, the home of my heart, was everything I needed it to be in order for me to move forward with the writing of my book.

I will at this point be dividing my writing clearly between my book (which will not be appearing on this blog) and other assorted writing specifically for the blog.  As my precious Alaskan baby brother (now 44) told me, if it is my desire and my intention to write a book, then I need to do it.  He explained it to me this way:

A person might pick up tools and a block of wood intending to carve an image.  Perhaps they are not quite sure what image lies within the wood so they begin carving in process until that image becomes clear and the carving can then give it form.  If, however, that point never occurs where the image within the wood is found, shaped and born, all that will result from the effort of carving is a pile of wood shavings and dust.

I heard and understand the wisdom contained in my brother’s words, and I recognize that continuing to pour words out into my blog will not accomplish the creation of my book.  I will now separate the words that belong in my book from those that do not.

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As I continue through the process of getting my ‘home legs’ under me, I will at least post a few interesting links here for reader consideration!  Please follow some or all of these links – THEY ARE IMPORTANT!  Please also join me in my gratitude to every single person who is involved with this quality of work to further our understanding about the impact of severe child abuse on human development – and the work of everyone committed to ending child maltreatment around the globe.

Please also remember the abuse being done to the fragile web of life on our glorious planet and the suffering of so many species being caused by the thoughtless harm of all kinds caused by humans.

And, for a load of Alaskan MOOSE FUN….

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Back to School Tips: Parents Should Get Ready, Too!

Posted: 27 Aug 2009 08:21 AM PDT

Tips for parents on helping their kids succeed in school, adapter from information provided by our friends at Prevent Child Abuse New Jersey.

Amid the shopping trips for sharpened #2 pencils, crisp notebooks and new shoes, parents should start thinking about what they can do to become the best possible support system for their child this school year. The beginning of the new academic season is often the most important, as it sets the tone for a meaningful and successful year.  Research shows that students are more equipped to thrive academically and socially when parents are actively involved in their child’s education.

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Emotional Abuse Recovery NOW

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Going Big: Harlem Children’s Zone on This American Life

Posted: 18 Aug 2009 02:17 AM PDT

Hats off to This American Life for shining a spotlight on the solutions to the many problems that plague our nation’s impoverished families. Going Big, this week’s episode, profiles Geoffrey Canada, a pioneer in the fields of child and family support and poverty prevention. His organization, Harlem Children’s Zone, boasts tremendous outcomes for the families and community it serves, including:

  • l00% of students in the Harlem Gems pre-K program were found to be school-ready for the sixth year in a row.
  • 81% of Baby College parents improved the frequency of reading to their children.
  • $4.8 million returned to 2,935 Harlem residents as a result of HCZ’s free tax-preparation service
  • 10,883 number of youth served by HCZ in 2008.

Listen to the This American Life podcast.

Below is a five-minute video of moms talking about the challenges of raising children in Harlem and the difference HCZ is making in their lives.

This posting includes an audio/video/photo media file: Download Now

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Brain Development Altered by Violence

By Dale Russakoff
Washington Post Staff Writer
Saturday, May 15, 1999; Page A3

LITTLETON, Colo.—More than a week had passed since Krystie DeHoff felt bullets and bombs explode all around her, since she ran in horror past young, dead bodies to safety. Now she was inching toward normality, shopping at King Soopers grocery, when the most innocent sound–a baby crying in his mother’s arms–set the Columbine High School massacre in motion again, this time in her mind. Her heart raced, her muscles coiled. She heard not a baby, but her classmates, shrieking. “All I could think was: MAKE HIM STOP!” she said.

READ MORE……

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Using Mental Strategies Can Alter

The Brain’s Reward Circuitry

ScienceDaily (June 30, 2008) — The cognitive strategies humans use to regulate emotions can determine both neurological and physiological responses to potential rewards, a team of New York University and Rutgers University neuroscientists has discovered. The findings, reported in the most recent issue of the journal Nature Neuroscience, shed light on how the regulation of emotions may influence decision making.

READ MORE….

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The Neural Self: The Neurobiology of Attachment

By Phil Rich, Ed.D., LICSW

It is its basis in biology that makes attachment theory unique among theories of psychology and child development. From the biological perspective, attachment is simply an evolutionarily-evolved process to ensure species survival, and is thus as much a part our biology as that of any animal.

From this perspective, cognitive schema and the resulting mental map is not merely a psychological phenomenon, but a physical entity, hard-wired into neural circuits and reflected in neurochemical and electrical activity within the central nervous system.

The mental map into which our experiences and memories are imprinted is thus a neurobiological structure, the result of synaptic processes, out of which human cognition and behavior emerges, resulting in LeDoux’s (2002) description of our “synaptic” self.

Siegel (2001) describes the pattern and clusters of synaptic firing as “somehow creat(ing) the experience of mind” (p. 69). He writes that “integration” reflects the manner in which functionally separate neural structures and processes cluster together and interact to form a functional whole – in this case, our selves.

READ MORE…..

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Child abuse marks genes, affects ability to cope: Study

By Margaret Munro , Canwest News Service

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Stress

Your Three Brains

The neurologist Paul MacLean has proposed that our skull holds not one brain, but three, each representing a distinct evolutionary stratum that has formed upon the older layer before it, like an archaeological site – he calls it the “triune brain.” MacLean, now the director of the Laboratory of Brain Evolution and Behaviour in Poolesville, Maryland, says that three brains operate like “three interconnected biological computers, each with its own special intelligence, its own subjectivity, its own sense of time and space and its own memory”.

READ MORE….

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+SIBLING LINKS

**Cindy’s Letter to Mother 1994

**CINDY’S BLOG POST on Mother (060409)

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**FAMILY TIME – by Brother (1965)

**SELLING THE HOMESTEAD

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Please refer back to this section of the blog as time goes on for future writings by my siblings:

MY SIBLINGS’ COMMENT PAGES

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+EARTH DAY: In Honor of the Grieving Chicken

Please follow this link to the story, which has been moved to this blog’s section on My Adulthood Stories.

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Tomorrow’s post on Social Isolation will be back to the tough, serious stuff of life… based on the following:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez

Neurosci Biobehav Rev. 2008 Aug;32(6):1087-102. Epub 2008 Mar 18.Click here to read

Behavioural and neurochemical effects of post-weaning social isolation in rodents-relevance to developmental neuropsychiatric disorders.

Fone KC, Porkess MV.

Institute of Neuroscience, School of Biomedical Sciences, Medical School, Queen’s Medical Centre, University of Nottingham, Nottingham NG7 2UH, UK. kevin.fone@nottingham.ac.uk

Exposing mammals to early-life adverse events, including maternal separation or social isolation, profoundly affects brain development and adult behaviour and may contribute to the occurrence of psychiatric disorders, such as depression and schizophrenia in genetically predisposed humans. The molecular mechanisms underlying these environmentally induced developmental adaptations are unclear and best evaluated in animal paradigms with translational salience. Rearing rat pups from weaning in isolation, to prevent social contact with conspecifics, produces reproducible, long-term changes including; neophobia, impaired sensorimotor gating, aggression, cognitive rigidity, reduced prefrontal cortical volume and decreased cortical and hippocampal synaptic plasticity. These alterations are associated with hyperfunction of mesolimbic dopaminergic systems, enhanced presynaptic dopamine (DA) and serotonergic (5-HT) function in the nucleus accumbens (NAcc), hypofunction of mesocortical DA and attenuated 5-HT function in the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus. These behavioural, morphological and neurochemical abnormalities, as reviewed herein, strongly resemble core features of schizophrenia. Therefore unravelling the mechanisms that trigger these sequelae will improve our knowledge of the aetiology of neurodevelopmental psychiatric disorders, enable identification of longitudinal biomarkers of dysfunction and permit predictive screening for novel compounds with potential antipsychotic efficacy.

ALONE NAKED IN THE WOODS SINGING

This entire post has been moved to the section on my childhood stories.  Please follow this link to read it from this location:

*MY ‘VISON’: ALONE NAKED IN THE WOODS SINGING