+STEALING OUR CHILDREN’S LIGHT

October 7, 2009October 7, 2009 alchemynowLeave a comment

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Every time we try to get our adult attachment needs met through our children we are placing them in our darkness and stealing from them the light they need to build their own strong self so they can live their own good life. Doing so is the surest way to destroy our children’s lives — which is certainly not what we hope for.

It is critically important that we foster our children’s attachment to us as parents, not the other way around – and not mutually. Yes, parents need to be bonded with their children, but that is not the same thing as parents having to have their attachment needs met by their children. Parents are their children’s care givers. We can only activate our care giving system when our attachment-need system is deactivated, or turned off. Otherwise the whole natural process of raising healthy-minded, safely and securely attached children is contaminated, and unresolved trauma is passed down the generations.

Adults, particularly those who were not raised themselves by securely attached adults who knew how to meet their own attachment needs appropriately outside their parenting relationship – and thus have a resulting insecure attachment disorder coupled with an empathy disorder themselves — need to become crystal clear about what their own attachment needs are and how to get these needs met appropriately without involving their children.

If we ourselves have an insecure attachment disorder, we will be forever at risk for passing this insecure attachment pattern down to our offspring no matter how hard we try not to. We need information, we need it NOW and we need it desperately!

I am most strongly recommending the writings of Dr. Daniel J. Siegel.

— WEBSITE: Mindsight Institute

Parenting From the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell (Paperback – April 22, 2004)

Better Parents, Better Spouses, Better People (Wired to Connect: Dialogues on Social Intelligence, 2) by Daniel J. Siegel and Daniel Goleman (Audio CD – 2007) – Audiobook

The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are by Daniel J. Siegel (Paperback – Oct 22, 2001)

The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being by Daniel J. Siegel (Hardcover – April 1, 2007)

The Neurobiology of “We”: How Relationships, the Mind, and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (Sounds True Audio Learning Course) by Daniel J. Siegel (Audio CD – May 1, 2008) – Audiobook

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation by Daniel J. Siegel (Hardcover – Jan 12, 2010)

Healing Trauma: Attachment, Mind, Body, and Brain by Daniel J. Siegel, Marion F. Solomon, and Marion Solomon (Hardcover – Jan 2003)

The Healing Power of Emotion: Affective Neuroscience, Development & Clinical Practice (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology) by Diana Fosha, Daniel J. Siegel, and Marion F. Solomon (Hardcover – Nov 16, 2009)

Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy by Kekuni Minton, Pat Ogden, Clare Pain, and Daniel J. Siegel (Hardcover – Oct 13, 2006)

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Adequate parenting means we can respond adequately to the needs of our children.

Please also see on this blog:

*COLLINS ON RESPONDING TO NEED – Part One

*COLLINS ON RESPONDING TO NEED – Part Two

*COLLINS ON RESPONDING TO NEED – Part Three

*COLLINS ON RESPONDING TO NEED – Part Four

*COLLINS ON RESPONDING TO NEED – Part Five

*COLLINS ON RESPONDING TO NEED – Part Six

**Attachment Styles and Caregiving from Collins Article

**Attachment Styles from Collin’s Article

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+BEING MY MOTHER’S IMAGINARY SWORN ENEMY

October 5, 2009October 5, 2009 alchemynowLeave a comment

Deadly Child’s Play

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The consequences of some childhood imaginative play can be so destructive when carried into adulthood that we have no real choice other than to call it deadly. My mother’s play fit this category.

For all the writings that attempt to describe and explain the behavior that some Borderline Personality Disorder parents, particularly mothers, engage in with some or all of their children, fit this category.

The reference for this post about the symptoms of dissociative disorders in children can be found below. There is only one single aspect of the material contained in it that I wish to address right now:

4. The child’s belief in alternate selves or imaginary friends that control the child’s behavior may reflect disorganization in the development of a cohesive self.

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I am also writing a reply to a comment my second to the youngest (1961) brother wrote today. I believe that my mother suffered from a pre-Borderline Personality Disorder condition from the time she was no older than 6 years old. I believe that what went wrong for her prior to that age had already spawned this condition so that without immediate and adequate childhood intervention, the course of the progression of her mental illness was – by today’s enlightened standards and knowledge about the disorder – entirely predictable.

She was, therefore, already mentally ill when my father married her. The ‘up side’ of her disorder allowed my mother to appear as a vivacious, charming, stunningly gorgeous catch of a wife. That she was too vivacious, charming, stunning and gorgeous could not have alerted anyone at that time to the terrible troubles that lay down the road of her life – and down the road of anyone’s life that she captured in the web of her illness.

My mother had a mind that could ‘think’ only in terms of the imaginary world of her early childhood. My father fit the image of her perfect imaginary Perfect Husband – with only one fixable flaw. As she used to tell us, he did not smoke a pipe. That was easy. She convinced him to start smoking one.

The birth of a son for a first child also fit her perfect imaginary world image of motherhood. EVERYONE wanted a boy to be born first. It amazed me that my oldest brother’s wife could hear the hysterical tone of my mother’s psychotic mind in the ‘voice’ used to comment in my brother’s baby book. My brother and I were evidently still so captured in my mother’s web, even three years ago, that we could not detect that crazy woman’s crazy voice. My astute objective sister-in-law sure could!

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So, yes, in response to my brother’s comment, my mother did become the woman she already was when my father married her – just more so. By the time I was born, through complications of my being a breach birth that nearly killed the both of us, and due to a psychotic break that seemed to have happened to her while she birthed me, Linda, the first born daughter and second child to be born into this perfect imaginary married life of motherhood for my mother, was assigned a role all of her own.

I need to mention that according to the way my mother described all during my childhood how I tried to kill her before I was born, that the devil sent me to kill her — that part of the psychosis could easily have happened with its resulting consequences no matter which sex I had been born as. After all, back then she had no way of knowing if I was a boy or a girl until I actually appeared. Which brings me to the clearest way I have yet found to explain and describe what happened to me next – and through contamination, to my siblings.

My mother did not have imaginary friends from childhood that controlled her as the above number 4 symptom of childhood dissociative disorder suggests. She formed her imaginary mental and emotional structure, I believe, while playing alone with her dolls. They were her initial imaginary friends, and she could, of course, control them absolutely. When she began to have children of her own she simply slid her imaginary friend structure over on top of us. With one exception.

For whatever reasons, no doubt stimulated by the difficult circumstances of my birth, I was NEVER my mother’s imaginary friend. I was her imaginary mortal enemy – so bad that I was assigned the status of being so evil that I was not human. I was a demon, the spawn of the devil, the devil’s child. I strongly suspect that her psychotic break in labor was facilitated by the use of the anesthesia used at that time for women in labor, Twilight Sleep. This drug combination is know to have induced severe nightmarish hallucinations that were SUPPOSED to be ‘not remembered’ along with the pain of birthing. For some women, particularly those with pre-Borderline or other psychosis-related underpinnings, administration of this drug became their demise.

In taking a short-cut here, I can clearly see the pattern my mother applied to her children as we were forced to assume the cloak of her imaginary friend/enemy projections upon us. First born (1950) son was the Hero, second born (1951) daughter the sworn mortal Demonic Enemy Satan’s Child, third born daughter (1953) God’s Child, the Angel Saint, fourth born daughter (1955) the Fairytale Princess, fifth born son (1961) the Alaskan God Son. I cannot yet name imaginary friend status of the sixth son (1965).

My mother had no conscious capacity to recognize these patterns. I think my father believed her fantasies without question, as well. I doubt he had any more of a capacity to recognize what he was dealing with than she did. She was his wife, the mother of his children, and he evidently believed her — lies about Linda.

I see us all in a police line up. I see us all having our mug shots taken, and instead of our actual name and identity being recorded, we each have our chosen imaginary friend – or enemy – designation attached to our existence in my mother’s – and my father’s – world.

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We were all simply a part of my mother’s mentally ill child’s play. I differ from authors who might suggest the ‘imaginary’ role belonged to my mother – witch, waif, etc. The imaginary designations with their resulting and correlating treatment we received from her, belonged to her broken mind. The source of all of our suffering, including to a large extent the suffering of her imaginary Perfect Husband, came from whatever combination of trauma and adaptation to trauma and neglect that my mother made well before she was six years old.

Because my mother was by physiology a female, and raised a ‘traditional doll playing girl’, her psychosis centered around home and family. Had she been a boy, who knows where her psychotic imaginary play would have taken her in adulthood. Perhaps she would have been likely to murder us, chop us into little pieces and store us in a wall, bury us in the yard, or eat us.

Fortunately, that’s not the story being told here. What I know of what happened to me was on the level of soul murder, and that’s bad enough. Because the imaginary friend status assigned to my siblings was not enemy, they were able to ‘escape around the edges’ and form some self of their own. My history with her was of her continually controlling me and abusing me as much as she possibly could. When it comes to being able to empathize with my mother enough to truly understand her underlying unconscious motives, nobody who did not share my mother’s psychosis can ever know what it all seemed like and felt like inside of herself. I probably come the closest because she so pervasively invaded and obsessively controlled me.

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Herein lays the difference between siblings that are not often apparently abused by a mentally ill parent and the Chosen One that is insanely and chronically abused. My mother did not have the ‘benefit’ of knowing who her imaginary enemy was until I was born. Once she KNEW, she then had a specified target upon which she could focus the full destructive intent of her psychosis. And believe me, that’s exactly what she did.

All the moving around we did, what my mother refers to in her letters as “shifting” from place to place, simply HAD to happen as a result of the unanchored mercurial madness of her extremely disturbed mind. It began very early in her marriage and became far more pronounced with the progression of her illness once we reached Alaska when I was five.

This “shifting” deprived all of us of any stable footing beneath our childhood feet. Coupled with the toxic contamination of being raised by an unstable mother who was obviously capable of severe depressions and violent rage attacks, all six of her children can no doubt say that they “did not have a happy childhood.” This does not mean that there were not positive aspects to our childhood, because there were. Yet each of our separate, individual experiences of our childhood, even with the underlying madness, depended to the largest extent upon which one of my mother’s inescapable imaginary friends – or enemy – identities we had been assigned at our birth.

Excluding and excusing my father from responsibility for either his active or passive participation in my mother’s madness places him on the level of being a child rather than of being an adult. He was no doubt a traumatized adult, but as one of my commenter’s wisely points out, he WAS an adult and we were his children. At the same time that he might have been my mother’s imaginary husband, he was our very real father, as she was our very real mother.

There is no judge and jury here. There is no real question of accountability. It’s far too late for that. My intention is to uncover what I can of the clues, the evidence and the seeming facts about my childhood of unimaginable suffering. That it could have been worse is obvious. That it never got any better is equally obvious. I am, at best, simply a survivor of a childhood that should NOT have been allowed to happen. And it wouldn’t have, if anyone, anywhere, had cared enough to pay adequate attention and take some appropriate action on behalf of my parents’ traumatized children.

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Because the early experiences of my mother’s own childhood left her with a disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment disorder, focusing on fighting her ‘war’ against the enemy that was me allowed her to find a purpose (other than homesteading so she could have her imaginary Kingdom) that to some extent allowed her to organize and orient her inner life. Hers was a war waged in the private confines of our home. It was a war of terrorism. It was a clandestine war, as most wars against innocents are, with me as the victim because my mother lacked the capacity to know I was her precious little girl, not her enemy.

Main Entry: clan·des·tine

Pronunciation: \klan-ˈdes-tən also -ˌtīn or -ˌtēn or ˈklan-dəs-\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle French or Latin; Middle French clandestin, from Latin clandestinus, from clam secretly; akin to Latin celare to hide — more at hell

Date: circa 1528

: marked by, held in, or conducted with secrecy

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REFERENCE as presented in this October 1, 2009 post: +CHILDHOOD DISSOCIATION, DEPERSONALIZATION, DEREALIZATION – I NEVER HAD A CHOICE TO BE OR NOT TO BE

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Guidelines for the Evaluation and Treatment

of Dissociative Symptoms in Children

and Adolescents

International Society for the Study of Dissociation

Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, Vol. 5(3) 2004

Digital Object Identifier: 10.1300/J229v05n03_09 119

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Please follow (above) link to read this entire article and to find the exact references the authors are referring to in this section of their article (below):

“There is no consensus yet on the exact etiological pathway for the development of dissociative symptomatology, but newer theoretical models stress impaired parent-child attachment patterns (Barach, 1991; Liotti, 1999; Ogawa, Sroufe, Weinfield, Carlson, & Egeland, 1997) and trauma-based disruptions in the development of self-regulation of state transitions (Putnam, 1997; Siegel, 1999).

Newer theorizing ties maladaptive attachment patterns directly to dysfunctional brain development that may inhibit integrative connections in the developing child’s brain (Schore, 2001; Stien & Kendall, 2003).

From the vantage point of treating children and adolescents, a developmental understanding of dissociation makes the most sense.

That is, dissociation may be seen as a developmental disruption in the integration of adaptive memory, sense of identity, and the self-regulation of emotion.

According to Siegel (1999), integration is broadly defined as “how the mind creates a coherent self-assembly of information and energy flow across time and context” (p. 316).

In other words, Siegel sees the development of an integrated self as an ongoing process by which the mind continues to make increasingly organized connections that allow adaptive action.

Children and adolescents may present with a variety of dissociative symptoms that reflect a lack of coherence in the self-assembly of mental functioning:

1. Inconsistent consciousness may be reflected in symptoms of fluctuating attention, such as trance states or “black outs.”

2. Autobiographical forgetfulness and fluctuations in access to knowledge may reflect incoherence in developmental memory processes.

3. Fluctuating moods and behavior, including rage episodes and regressions, may reflect difficulties in self-regulation.

4. The child’s belief in alternate selves or imaginary friends that control the child’s behavior may reflect disorganization in the development of a cohesive self.

5. Depersonalization and derealization may reflect a subjective sense of dissociation from normal body sensation and perception or from a sense of self.

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 What are the Causes of Borderline Personality Disorder?

 Conditions Related to Borderline Personality Disorder

 Treatments for Borderline Personality Disorder

 Getting Help for Borderline Personality Disorder

 Life With Borderline Personality Disorder

 Symptoms of BPD

 Diagnosis of BPD

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Check out this super website!

Baby Brain Development

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+BELOW THE SURFACE – THE CONNECTION BETWEEN SEVERE EARLY CHILD ABUSE, EAGLES AND BUZZARDS

October 4, 2009October 5, 2009 alchemynow1 Comment

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In two of the places I have lived for any length of time in my life I’ve been able to watch one of two kinds of great soaring birds. Both in Alaska and in northern Minnesota I watched the great soaring eagles. Down here in the high Arizona desert right on the Mexican-American border I watch great soaring buzzards. Each of these two bird species operates with completely different energy and drive systems.

I think about these birds today in relation to the forensic autobiographical work I am doing as I try to understand what happened to my mother in her early childhood that pushed her so far over the Borderline wall that it destroyed her life, and nearly destroyed mine in the process.

Common sense tells us that an eagle is not meant to be a buzzard. A buzzard is not meant to be an eagle. And yet, strange as it might seem, the developmental alterations and adaptations that a tiny developing human body must make to adjust to a malevolent early world ends up creating some fantastic combinations than we can begin to see as if they were the result of some cross-hybridizing between these two impressive species of birds.

Both species are able to soar around, floating on air currents, surveying the world far beneath them. They have the same intent — to stay alive. But how they do so differs greatly between the two.

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Eagles are designed with a super adrenaline system as their source of energy. They are birds of prey with keen eyes that can see the smallest movement of prey from hundreds of feet in the air. They can swoop down to earth at incredible speeds and unerringly nab their meal.

Buzzards, on the other hand, are designed with a thyroid-based very low energy source. They are not solitary hunters that are designed to swoop and kill. They are designed to hunt dead prey with conspecifics. They can still see from hundreds of feet up in the air where they soar in great lazy circles. Once one hunter spots food the rest are notified, and they simply settle themselves down to earth for a shared feast – the more putrefied the better. This is the easy life! The buzzard has broken out of the predator-prey cycle.

See: +TOMKINS ON EVOLUTION OF AFFECT

Contained in a section from the above link Silvan Tomkins notes the following:

“In man, the thyroid is relatively larger than in any other land animal and is larger than the adrenal in comparison with the ape and virtually all the wild land animals who have a larger adrenal than thyroid. In the fetus and human infant the adrenal gland is larger than the thyroid. At the time of birth there begins a gradual decline of the adrenal gland dominance which continues until the twenty-first year at which time the thyroid is 2 ½ times the size of the adrenal glands. Crile attributes some of the volatility of the infant to this early, more primitive endocrine balance. (Tomkins/aic/157)” [Affect – Imagery – Consciousness” volume 1: The Positive Affects and volume 2: The Negative Affects by Silvan S. Tomkins (Professor of Psychology, Princeton U) Springer Publishing Company, NY 1962]

In other words, what this information tells me is that very young human infant-children are designed with a hyper-drive adrenaline system that will respond to trauma with much more force and power than an adult human is even capable of. I imagine that this is so that the tiny human’s body can receive trauma-related signals from its early environment while there is still yet time for biological developmental processes to shift all possible growth and development to allow for future survival (with hopes of reproducing offspring) in a most hostile and malevolent world. Early malevolent conditions thus stimulate massive adrenaline responses in the human infant-child that have the most profound impact possible on the development of a tiny human being — for one single purpose — to give it the best possible odds for continued survival.

Infant-children are by design vulnerable prey. It is important to understand that Nature has designed both predators and prey with similar, finely tuned compatible stress response systems. If an infant-young child is born into an early malevolent environment, particularly when the predator is its early caregiver(s), the potential buried in genetic memory that allows prey to survive will become activated so far as is possible — but not without life long consequences being caused by these alterations.

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From the instant of our conception to the instant of our death, we are, as individuals, on some level ‘in charge’ of the property of our body. We seldom consciously know, however, what direction the ‘development’ of that property is taking. These changes happen on the molecular signal and response level. Evolution has provided us with massive amounts of genetic information and sophisticated mechanisms that tell our genetic memory what to do in any given situation. Is our property dry? We best find water. Is our property too swampy and wet? Find a way to dry it out. Is our property in need of soil amendments? Find some. Is our property in need of protection? We better find some of that, as well.

All of this works smoothly and effortlessly – no matter what the conditions are surrounding the fetus-infant-child as it grows and develops just so long as physical life of the ‘property’, or the body, is maintained. Whatever problems forced adjustment to malevolent early conditions create will, however, show up eventually as the altered body, including altered brain-mind, later experiences conflict with the more benevolent world such an individual might find themselves living in during their life span.

Our body is our real estate. It is the ONLY estate we will ever have. But the conditions of our earliest beginnings do the major job of developing this property, and once that major development has occurred, we will NOT be able to change it.

The young human body is geared like an eagle is to respond from its adrenaline base. If all is well in early childhood, the adult human becomes more like a buzzard who can soar around in a relatively relaxed state with its human social-specie mates in a state of cooperation and sharing of the relatively easy-to-spot-and-devour requisites for staying alive. What I see of my mother is that her early distress environment signaled her body, including her brain-mind, to anticipate and prepare for a malevolent world of trauma and deprivation. She existed in a chronic state of amplified anxiety that manifested itself in all sorts of destructive ways throughout her entire life time.

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She also communicated to my growing infant-child body that the world was malevolent, and shared with me – by building it right into my body – that an adrenaline-based anxiety system was needed as the best bet for staying alive. My developing body-brain-mind-self had to adjust itself to survive the world that she knew from her own early childhood, and then created for me. Hence, I have all sorts of anxiety-related manifestations within myself that damage my ability to exist in a benevolent rather than then malevolent world I was designed to exist in.

When it comes to the truth of a harsh reality, the problem for both my mother and for myself is that we simply LIVED TOO LONG. The adjustments and adaptations that our body-brain-mind-self was forced to make as we developed came from our genetic memory ability to manage the property of our body in a world that far more closely matched an evolutionarily remote malevolent world of human earlier beginnings than it later matched the far more benevolent one we left home to join.

As I see it, the length of time we survived comes from a combination of factors. Our genetic memory contained powerful adaptive potential, and the world we grew into was not completely distressful enough to destroy us physically at an early date.

There is no magic wand to be waved, no simple switch to flip that will ever readjust a human body once it has grown into adulthood to be a ‘different body’ designed to survive in a malevolent world. The hands of the clock of evolutionary time can not be simply wound forward so that we can NOW live in a wonderful, benevolent world of plenty of safety and security. What we need to do is face the facts, own the truth, understand the FULL consequences of infant-child development in a toxic and dangerous world of trauma and deprivation, and then learn how to recognize these consequences for what the truly are.

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+CHILD ART – THE THREE DRAWINGS I HAVE OF MY MOTHER’S

October 3, 2009October 4, 2009 alchemynowLeave a comment

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Three pencil drawings. That’s it. That’s probably all I will ever find of my mother’s childhood artwork. There was one other drawing, well framed and carried from place to place with every move of my childhood. When I get the family slide shots down from Alaska, I think there’s one that actually has THAT drawing showing as it hung on a wall.

THAT is the one my mother bragged about to me when I was the age she was when she did the ones included in this link below. THAT one was done when she was 13 and took an art class. She was proud of it, and well she should have been — but leave it to my mother to be mean about it.

One time when I was about 9 or 10 I drew a picture of her, the very best that I could do. I was so proud of it, but when I showed it to her she said it was the ugliest picture she had ever seen, and I better never show her another one like it. She pointed to THAT picture on the wall — a picture of a young child’s angelic face that looked like it was copied from one by a ‘great master’ — and told me that THAT was what good drawing looked like. Certainly not what I had carried in my small hands to show her.

She hurt me, and I never did show her anything I drew again after that, but fortunately I didn’t stop drawing. I did it in secret, in private — the same way she did these three drawings you will see when you follow this link. And they are NOT masterpieces! But they are fascinating little forensic clues in my search for evidence that who my mother turned out to be was already visible in her childhood.

At the same time I find a little comfort, nearly 50 years after her nasty criticism of MY drawing to see these ones of hers. They are no better than mine was!

*Fascinating – Three Childhood Drawings of My Mother’s

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I also thought it might be interesting to actually show mother’s child handwriting from her childhood stories — they were written just before to just after her 10th birthday (Dec. 1935 – Jan. 1936). It is interesting to note that my mother’s grandfather, the same one that died right after the stock market crash in 1929 (when my mother was 4) that so devastated her family and right before her parents divorced, is buried in Wyoming Cemetery. WYOMING, as you can see in these original pages, is very noticeable:

*Mother’s Childhood Stories — A Few Scanned Pages from Original

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+IMMUNITY AGAINST INSECURE ATTACHMENT DISORDERS BEGINS AT CONCEPTION

September 26, 2009October 1, 2009 alchemynow6 Comments

092609 post Origins of Emotional Abuse

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Emotional Abuse Recovery NOW

Annie Kaszina offers free assistance on her site and through her free email support to women who have experienced emotional abuse. I personally find it disheartening that she does not equally offer her advise and expertise to men as well as to women, but I am mentioning her work here because I want to consider information presented in her writing about emotional abuse.

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Emotional abuse is not JUST a woman’s issue, it is a human issue. Emotional abuse is not JUST an adult issue. The seed potential for being both a perpetrator and a victim of emotional abuse begins – believe it or not – even before our conception.

No matter our sex, no matter what our genetic potential makeup may be, a mother’s emotional state influences her body to such an extent that her hormones and other body chemicals affect whether or not conception even takes place, as well as affects whether or not the tiny new human can or does implant itself on her uterine wall to further its growth and development from that time forward.

A mother’s hormones and internal chemical environment constantly signal through molecular communication what the world is going to be like that this new human is going to be born into. Those signals about stress, distress or future well being influence how the genetic potential of a human manifests itself – from conception onward.

These early signaling processes particularly influence the future sensitivity of the new human. I mention this now because Ms. Kaszina’s words this morning, as they arrived new and shiny in my email inbox, are concerned with emotional sensitivity.

Emotional sensitivity is not something that some of us have and some of us don’t have. All humans have emotions. All humans also vary in degree of sensitivity according to their fundamental genetic makeup, according to the information all kinds of molecular signaling has given them about the benevolence or malevolence of the world their body is growing up to live in, and according to the information that a newborn infant’s body-brain-self receives from its first early caregiver environment.

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We cannot possibly disentangle the topic of secure and insecure attachment disorders – from conception onward – from any discussion about so-called emotional abuse. What we are actually considering when we talk about emotions and sensitivity, in my opinion, has to do with the quality and kind of human attachment system we developed from conception.

If adults do not provide safe and secure attachments to infants and young children from the beginning of their lives, HOW this tiny person develops will be affected on every level. This most certainly includes emotional sensitivity. If the safe and secure attachments do not exist in an infant’s life, its body-brain-mind will be forced to take a pathway in its development that is less-than-optimal. An insecure attachment pattern, or insecure attachment disorder, WILL result from these conditions. That is the way our social species is designed.

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If a person could actually weigh information, tons of it exists at our fingertips about secure and insecure attachments. My purpose is to encourage readers to go poke around and take a look at this information for themselves. Without including the facts about our human attachment system in our thinking about ANYTHING that has to do with ANY human relationship, we are like children ourselves who might expect to sit in a broken down car out behind a weathered barn in some countryside – hoping and hoping if we just hope enough that useless car will take us out away from our miseries.

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Every human being whose brain-mind did not develop in an early environment that included a caregiver to whom that infant could safely and securely attach – on a predictable and sustained level – will end up with an altered brain-mind that includes an insecure attachment disorder built into it. All humans are amazingly resilient, and even a tiny infant can make amazing use of whatever safe and secure human attachment opportunities that DO actually exist in its early environment.

But at the same time we ARE human, and we are vulnerable and fragile. Degrees of damage are exactly that! If you spend some time following links included above, you will discover enough information for yourself to begin to understand what Dr. Allan Schore says about all insecure attachment disorders include empathy disorders. Nobody is immune to the consequences of forming a body-brain-mind in a malevolent world.

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With this very brief survey as an introduction to the following words written by Annie Kaszina, I encourage readers to begin to realize that both ‘perpetrators’ and ‘victims’ of emotional abuse most likely suffer from an adult version of an insecure attachment disorder – either an ‘organized’ one or a ‘disorganized’ one. If our first displays of our emotions were not consistently appropriately and adequately responded to from the time we were born by one or more early caregivers – our emotional self will have altered the way it developed. This naturally affects both how we respond to our own and to others’ emotions.

If we are going to refer to these changed patterns as ABUSE, we need to include in our thinking that all these emotional patterns exist in our brain’s construction and operation. They can sometimes be changed to some degree, but our emotional construction is as much a part of our body as are our organs and limbs.

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From my own childhood experience I can say that the environment of the home I grew up in, with my Mad Monster Mother at the helm, contained no real emotional health and well being except as it was accidentally provided – mostly to my siblings. My entire blog is devoted to this HUGE topic. My point this morning is that I encourage every reader to read the following words as if they are simply and completely referring to interactions between parents and children – not between adults.

Focus your inner vision. Consider your childhood – whether you were a girl or a boy — for awhile ONLY as it either sustained the development of your authentic self emotionally – or did not. Parents are not their offspring’s’ partners. They have assumed the job of raising their children so that they themselves can later be other human’s partners.

Please ‘translate’ this information provided below through the lens of your own very young childhood perspective. What you were given THEN is reflected in how you are NOW! We had no choice as infant-children but to build into our growing body-brain-mind the attachment patterns our early caregivers ‘fed us’.

Down the road, the following is exactly how insecure attachment disorders (systems) can show themselves when we are all grown up. We can repeat them with both the adults and the children in our lives. We need to understand what this means by beginning to in-form our thinking about how these patterns established themselves PHYSIOLOGICALLY into our very young developing bodies — and remain within us for the rest of our lives. Once recognized consciously, we can begin to alter the effects our inner attachment system has on the quality of our life.

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Emotional Abuse Recovery NOW

Written and published by Annie Kaszina
Women’s Self-Discovery Coach
www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com

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“My name is Annie Kaszina and I spent over twenty years in an abusive marriage, before I learned how I could become the woman I want to be. Now I work with women who have been in controlling and abusive relationships, to facilitate their journey into joy and self-realisation.”

“You’re just too sensitive!”

“Has an abusive partner ever told you: “You’re just too sensitive?”

Okay, let’s be more precise about this; has your abusive partner repeatedly told you that you are too sensitive? Because the chances are, if he has said it to you once, he’s said it a thousand times. That’s how abusive relationships work; an abusive man throws the same complaints at you over and over again.

Why?

We’ll come to that in a moment. First, let’s deal with the really important question: How has that left you feeling?

Clearly, I don’t know you, and I can’t know how you think, but I’m guessing that it leaves you feeling small, needy, pathetic and very, very flawed. Accusing a partner of being ‘too sensitive’ tends to make them feel as if someone has exposed a very dark, unlovable, immature feeling at the very heart of their being.

In short, it makes them feel unlovable.

There is a reason for this. When an abusive man says his partner is ‘too sensitive’, that is not just a throwaway remark, triggered by frustration; it is, actually, a well-calculated barb with a venomous hidden agenda.

“You’re too sensitive”, is code; a code that, I suspect, you have not been translating correctly, until now. If you had, you probably would not have given your accuser the opportunity to wound you with that well-honed barb, time after time.

“But”, you might object, “I am very sensitive.” You might even say: “I am too sensitive.”

There is a distinction here that we need to clarify. When you say that you are ‘very sensitive’, or even ‘too sensitive’, what you actually mean is this: “I can feel hurt very easily; it doesn’t take much. I really wish that it wasn’t like this, but it is. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do about it.”

Acknowledging the acuity of their sensitivity tends to be a kind of apology that I often hear form abused women. They wish they could change it, but they can’t; at least not with the tools currently available to them.

When an abusive partner, or other near one, tells you that you are ‘too sensitive’, it is, apparently, because they wish you could change. (The subtext is that if you could change that it would, somehow, transform the abusive relationship.) Not that they are offering you any clues as to how you might reduce that sensitivity.

In reality, they don’t know how you could reduce that sensitivity; nor do they care. Much as they may criticize you for it, your sensitivity fits very nicely with their agenda. But they are not in a rush to admit that to you.

Think for a moment about the circumstances in which have been told that you are too sensitive. Most probably it happens when you feel hurt by something your abusive partner said; or else something they did, or did not do. Had you been ‘less sensitive’, they figure, you would not have reacted. In other words, you would have just ‘got on with it’, and spared them the trouble of having to consider your feelings.

This holds true for other circumstances in which your ‘hypersensitivity’ means that you would like to receive comfort or reassurance.

That is not what your abusive partner, or other near one, had in mind.

When they say: “You’re too sensitive”, what they really mean is this: “Please don’t visit your feelings on me, I don’t want to hear about them.” There’s more as well – and it doesn’t get any better.

“You’re too sensitive” is shorthand for; “I’m really not prepared to take your feelings into account. In fact, I thoroughly resent your visiting them on me. As far as I am concerned, this is the way I believe our relationship should work: I can say whatever I like to you, and you will get on and deal with it, without making a fuss and trying to make me feel bad about it. What’s wrong with you, anyway? Why can’t you just get on with being in an abusive relationship without moaning about it?”

The question, “What’s wrong with you, anyway?” is the key to your partner’s thinking. There must be something wrong with you, or else you would respond to whatever it is that they said or did in exactly the way they would have you respond. In other words, what they wanted was no response from you. (In an abusive relationship, all communication is intended to be a one way street.) Whatever it was that they said or di, they hoped that you would let them ‘get away with it’. And you did not.

It’s not as if you took a strong stand; anything but. A strong stand would have meant saying: “This is unacceptable.” You would then make yourself scarce, as far as they were concerned. Your abusive partner would duly get the message that they were out of order, and would need to clean up their act, or else lose you.

Whether or not they would clean up their act is another story. If, instead, your refusal to accept abuse led to the earlier end of a damaging relationship that was bound to end in unhappiness anyway, then your strong stand has paid off handsomely. That would save you time and misery. And if it concentrated their mind, and led them to behave better in the future, even better.

But just asking an abusive man to behave, and/or speak to you, differently, is as ineffectual as saying to a child: “Oh, don’t do that!” All it conveys is your weakness and your reluctance to act.

It leaves your abuser free to repeat the pattern time and time again. He will continue to speak and act as he pleases and, when you object, he will reproach you, again, for ‘being too sensitive’.

With that one simple phrase he has laid the blame for the hurt in the situation on you. With one simple piece of sleight of mouth, he has dumped blame for the situation on you, so that he comes up smelling of roses. Or, at least, as close to smelling of roses as he is ever likely to get.

How did you get into an abusive relationship like that in the first place?

Here’s the irony: it happened, in part, because of your sensitivity. Not that there is anything wrong with being sensitive; there is not. However, an abusive man has a finely tuned nose, and can smell sensitivity a mile off. He knows that he can exploit that sensitivity to gain control over another person. He knows just how to do that – as you have discovered, to your cost.

So what will you do differently about your sensitivity in the future?

First, you need to become much more vigilant; you learn that someone who is prepared to disregard your ‘sensitivity’ is telling you that they will completely and utterly disregard your feelings. You give such people a very wide berth. Second, you learn to honour and manage that sensitivity; treat it with respect and other people will treat you with respect, also.”

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— SEE ALSO —

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+INFO ABOUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (BPD)

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New Resource for Parents: CDC Parent Portal

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+CHILDHOOD DISSOCIATION, DEPERSONALIZATION, DEREALIZATION – I NEVER HAD A CHOICE TO BE OR NOT TO BE

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+INFO ABOUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (BPD)

September 21, 2009September 21, 2009 alchemynow2 Comments

http://www.about.com/

Borderline Personality Disorder

In the Spotlight | More Topics |

from Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD
People with BPD and their family members are often desperate to find help. Unfortunately, this leaves the door open for opportunists who pedal phony treatments or therapies with no research support. This week, learn about some therapies for BPD that you can trust– all of these treatments have solid research backing.

In the Spotlight

Psychotherapy for Borderline Personality Disorder
An overview of empirically supported psychosocial treatments for BPD – all of these treatments have been shown to be effective in reducing BPD symptoms.

		More Topics
		Conditions Related to Borderline Personality Disorder Treatments for Borderline Personality Disorder Getting Help for Borderline Personality Disorder Life With Borderline Personality Disorder For Family and Friends of Individuals with BPD Diagnosis of BPD Treatment of BPD

Dialectical Behavior Therapy
Of all the psychosocial treatments for BPD, Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT has the largest body of research support. DBT is also now offered all over the world.

How to Get the Most Out of Treatment
Now that you’ve found the right therapy, how do you make sure that you get the most out of it? These tips will help you on the road to recovery.

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+EXTREME STATES AND BRAIN REWIRING

September 19, 2009September 19, 2009 alchemynowLeave a comment

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PLEASE READ THIS ARTICLE BEFORE READING THIS POST:

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Mind & Brain / Senses

Extreme States

Out-of-body experiences? Near-death experiences? Researchers are beginning to understand what’s really going on.

by Steven Kotler, Photo illustration by Josef Astor

From the July 2005 issue, Discover, published online July 24, 2005

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HERE ARE SOME POINTS I PONDER AND QUESTION:

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”…I was also watching the chute’s open-close-open routine, despite knowing that what I was watching was technically impossible to see.”

Those of us with extreme early and chronic child abuse histories are very likely be able to ‘do this’. We can have access to information about ourselves in the world that seems to defy ‘scientific’ or ‘rational’ explanation. What’s more, these abilities appear to have been built into our growing brains.

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Interesting statement:

“…most out-of-body tales do not take place within the confines of an extreme environment. They transpire as part of normal lives.”

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“The out-of-body experience is much like the near-death experience, and any exploration of one must include the other. While out-of-body experiences are defined by a perceptual shift in consciousness, no more and no less, near-death experiences start with this shift and then proceed along a characteristic trajectory. People report entering a dark tunnel, heading into light, and feeling an all-encompassing sense of peace, warmth, love, and welcome. They recall being reassured along the way by dead friends, relatives, and a gamut of religious figures. Occasionally, there’s a life review, followed by a decision of the “should I stay or should I go?” variety. A 1990 Gallup poll of American adults found that almost 12 percent of Americans, roughly 30 million individuals, said they have had some sort of near-death experience.”

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Take a look at the information about this:

“When Whinnery reviewed his data, he noted a correlation: The longer his pilots were knocked out, the closer they got to brain death. And the closer they got to brain death, the more likely it was that an out-of-body experience would turn into a near-death experience. This was the first hard evidence for what had been long suspected—that the two states are not two divergent phenomena, but two points on a continuum.”

It makes me wonder about how a very young growing brain processes traumatic information. Because an infant-child person is too young to even have a completely formed sense of self when traumas occur, how would their brain even process information related to “Am I out of my body or am I dead?”

It seems to me that a very young child would first have to develop enough of a brain ability to even know they were a self-alive-in-the-world before these kinds of concepts could even apply. What happens if the trauma-generating experiences build the very question itself into the growing brain – “Am I alive or am I dead?”

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“The simplest conclusion to draw from these studies is that, give or take some inexplicable memories, these phenomena are simply normal physical processes that occur during unusual circumstances.”

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“What researchers have studied is the effect of a near-death experience. Van Lommel conducted lengthy interviews and administered a battery of standard psychological tests to his study group of cardiac-arrest patients. The subset that had had a near-death experience reported more self-awareness, more social awareness, and more religious feelings than the others.

“Van Lommel then repeated this process after a two-year interval and found the group with near-death experience still had complete memories of the event, while others’ recollections were strikingly less vivid. He found that the near-death experience group also had an increased belief in an afterlife and a decreased fear of death compared with the others. After eight years he again repeated the whole process and found those two-year effects significantly more pronounced. The near-death experience group was much more empathetic, emotionally vulnerable, and often showed evidence of increased intuitive awareness. They still showed no fear of death and held a strong belief in an afterlife.”

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So what might that mean for those of us severely abused and traumatized at a very early age? Might there be something about those experiences that makes us perceive our being-in-the-world in a different way – from the very start?

“Morse, too, did follow-up studies long after his original research. He also did a separate study involving elderly people who had a near-death experience in early childhood. “The results were the same for both groups,” says Morse. “Nearly all of the people who had had a near-death experience—no matter if it was 10 years ago or 50—were still absolutely convinced their lives had meaning and that there was a universal, unifying thread of love which provided that meaning. Matched against a control group, they scored much higher on life-attitude tests, significantly lower on fear-of-death tests, gave more money to charity, and took fewer medications. There’s no other way to look at the data. These people were just transformed by the experience.”

To me, there’s obviously an incomparable difference in experience between what a 10-year-old might know from a childhood near death experience and what a 10-week or 10-month old infant might know.

What happens when a very young infant-child perceives that their survival is being threatened LONG before they can even begin to THINK?

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So what might out-of-body experiences, near death experiences, coma experiences and religious experiences share in common?

“Britton hypothesized that people who have undergone a near-death experience might show the same altered brain firing patterns as people with temporal lobe epilepsy….Britton thinks near-death experience somehow rewires the brain, and she has found some support for her hypothesis regarding altered activity in the temporal lobe.”

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What might they have to do with depression?

“She [Britton] then asked a University of Arizona epilepsy specialist who knew nothing about the experiment to analyze the EEGs. Two features distinguished the group with near-death experience from the controls: They needed far less sleep, and they went into REM (rapid eye movement) sleep far later in the sleep cycle than normal people. “The point at which someone goes into REM sleep is a fantastic indicator of depressive tendencies,” says Britton. “We’ve gotten very good at this kind of research. If you took 100 people and did a sleep study, we can look at the data and know, by looking at the time they entered REM, who’s going to become depressed in the next year and who isn’t.”

Normal people enter REM at 90 minutes. Depressed people enter at 60 minutes or sooner. Britton found that the vast majority of her group with near-death experience entered REM sleep at 110 minutes. With that finding, she identified the first objective neurophysiological difference in people who have had a near-death experience.

Britton thinks near-death experience somehow rewires the brain, and she has found some support for her hypothesis regarding altered activity in the temporal lobe: Twenty-two percent of the group with near-death experience showed synchrony in the temporal lobe, the same kind of firing pattern associated with temporal lobe epilepsy.

She also found something that didn’t fit with her hypothesis. The temporal lobe synchrony wasn’t happening on the right side of the brain, the site that had been linked in Penfield’s studies to religious feeling in temporal lobe epilepsy. Instead she found it on the left side of the brain. That finding made some people uncomfortable because it echoed studies that pinpointed, in far more detail than Penfield achieved, the exact locations in the brain that were most active and most inactive during periods of profound religious experience.”

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What about religious experience?

“Over the past 10 years a number of different scientists, including neurologist James Austin from the University of Colorado, neuroscientist Andrew Newberg, and the late anthropologist and psychiatrist Eugene D’Aquili from the University of Pennsylvania, have done SPECT (single photon emission computed tomography) scans of the brains of Buddhists during meditation and of Franciscan nuns during prayer. They found a marked decrease in activity in the parietal lobes, an area in the upper rear of the brain. This region helps us orient ourselves in space; it allows us to judge angles and curves and distances and to know where the self ends and the rest of the world begins. People who suffer injuries in this area have great difficulties navigating life’s simplest landscapes. Sitting down on a couch, for example, becomes a task of Herculean impossibility because they are unsure where their own legs end and the sofa begins. The SPECT scans indicated that meditation temporarily blocks the processing of sensory information within both parietal lobes…..

When that happens, as Newberg and D’Aquili point out in their book Why God Won’t Go Away, “the brain would have no choice but to perceive that the self is endless and intimately interwoven with everyone and everything the mind senses. And this perception would feel utterly and unquestionably real.” They use the brain-scan findings to explain the interconnected cosmic unity that the Buddhists experienced, but the results could also explain what Morse calls the “universal, unifying thread of love” that people with near-death experience consistently reported.

These brain scans show that when the parietal lobes go quiet, portions of the right temporal lobe—some of the same portions that Penfield showed produced feelings of excessive religiosity, out-of-body experiences, and vivid hallucinations—become more active. ….”

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And, this article’s conclusion:

“None of this work is without controversy, but an increasing number of scientists now think that our brains are wired for mystical experiences. The studies confirm that these experiences are as real as any others, because our involvement with the rest of the universe is mediated by our brains. Whether these experiences are simply right temporal lobe activity, as many suspect, or, as Britton’s work hints and Morse believes, a whole brain effect, remains an open question. But Persinger thinks there is a simple explanation for why people with near-death experience have memories of things that occurred while they were apparently dead. The memory-forming structures lie deep within the brain, he says, and they probably remain active for a few minutes after brain activity in the outer cortex has stopped. Still, Crystal Merzlock remembered events that occurred more than 19 minutes after her heart stopped. Nobody has a full explanation for this phenomenon, and we are left in that very familiar mystical state: the one where we still don’t have all the answers.”

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For myself, I am most interested in this statement:

“…in the parietal lobes, an area in the upper rear of the brain. This region helps us orient ourselves in space; it allows us to judge angles and curves and distances and to know where the self ends and the rest of the world begins. People who suffer injuries in this area have great difficulties navigating life’s simplest landscapes.”

I think when severe threat-to-life trauma in a malevolent early brain-forming stages of brain development happens, the entire orientation of a forming ‘self-in-the-world’ is changed. Such a growing self does not receive the right information to orient themselves in the world. That is why, in my considerations, malevolent early developmental caregiver interactions create a disoriented disorganized insecure attachment between the growing self and the world.

How does a growing brain orient itself in an environment of trauma and chaos? Are we to believe that such an infant-child translates its threat-to-life experiences into expressions of ‘love and bliss’?

How ludicrous an idea is that one? Yet I do believe all these same states of being described in this article – as they exist as human potential – are involved with the alterations a trauma-built brain has to go through in order to survive in a malevolent early world.

Something to think about considering the ‘injuries’ to the development of the self-in-the-world that an abused infant-child experiences.

How do we know we are we alive in a body even though we are not dead – and where exactly IS the line between the two? After all, the experience of trauma is itself an extreme state experience — and our brain knows it no matter HOW YOUNG WE ARE. It is entirely possible for trauma to ‘rewire the brain’ just as any other ‘extreme state’ experience can.

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RECOMMENDED – VISIT THIS WEBSITE!!

Randi Kreger
* http://www.BPDCentral.com
* Stop Walking on Eggshells
* Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
* The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder

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+LINKS TO MILLIONS OF WORDS ABOUT THE BORDERLINE (BPD) CONDITION

September 16, 2009September 16, 2009 alchemynow2 Comments

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Borderline Personality

I am coming to the conclusion that those with a Borderline Personality Disorder are the most likely group of parents to severely abuse their children — and are especially at risk for picking out one single child to be The Chosen One for the worst of their abuse.

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LOTS OF HOT LINKS FOR YOUR CLICKING (RESEARCH) PLEASURE!

The comments that book readers post in their reviews of books in response to published titles on Borderline Personality Disorder are enlightening. (Even if they don’t address developmental brain changes caused by early childhood malevolent environments!)

I am posting some links this morning both to the titles themselves and to the comments readers have made in response to them.

Many of the comments describe actual real-time, real-life experiences that people have had (and are still having) with the disordered, disoriented brain that both creates the Borderline condition and is a response to a turbulent, malevolent childhood that in combination with genetic potential has manifested in BPD.

(Please note that the editorial reviews, separate from the reader reviews, are presented on the Amazon.com page below a book’s selling information. Be sure to scroll down the page when you follow the ‘READER REVIEWS’ links!!)

ALSO remember that you don’t have to buy one of these books to read it. If your local public library doesn’t carry a title, you can request them to find a copy for you!!

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Bleeding Out: A Memoir of A Borderline Personalityby Merri Lisa Johnson (Paperback – May 31, 2010)

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Buddha & the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating by Kiera Van Gelder (Paperback – Jul 2010)

Buy new: $16.95 $11.53 — Available for Pre-order

Blogger’s Comment: THIS book won’t be at the top of my ‘Must Buy’ List!

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Borderline Personality Disorder For Dummies (For Dummies (Health & Fitness)) by Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith

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