+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was feeling better in this section of my journal that ends on my ‘Golden Birthday’ of turning 31 on the 31st of August, 1982. I was beginning to take form as a person, becoming less hollow and less like a ghost-girl in my own life.
I think the successful definite steps forward I had made by working through some very difficult school work bolstered me. My feet might have still been mired in the unknown of my past, my ‘true self’ was still missing in action, but the woman I was becoming had begun to find some sunshine for herself. The vigorous exercise workout I was doing made me physically strong and began to anchor me into my body. I was gaining a sense of self-confidence for the first time in my life.
I now had nearly two years ‘clean and sober’ (from nonprescription drugs), had a sponsor and faithfully attended at least one AA meeting every week. I also attended a weekly woman’s growth and support group through the local mental health center.
Part of my transformation was coming through my ‘discovery’ of so-called ‘feminism’ as I began to understand that women experience their lives very differently than men do. I believe I was for the first time beginning to collect for myself a sense of my own personal empowerment.
*Age 30 – Journal from May 1982 through August 1982
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May 22, 1982
“Things OK in the water bed – Leo is keeping to himself. I think he’s afraid to touch me – sometimes I’d like to be touched; not sexually — just touched.”
++
We could not get anything larger than a double bed up our little stairs, so the king size water bed was the only solution we could think of. Well……
++
I knew inside on some level there was something ‘wrong’. I really knew. I found this in one of my little poems on this date —
“Do I have a personality
When there’s no one here but me?”
++++
June 9, 1982
“Perhaps calcium now
Will help calm me down
But I don’t feel like myself
My spirit feels larger
Than my body
Like a wad of bread dough
Or play dough
Yellow”
++++
June 16, 1982
“Decided I may try writing an autobiography –”
++
I record a 2009 note with this journal entry about two statements made, on two occasions by two different people — that changed the course of my life — because I heard them and I knew they were true.
++++
June 26, 1982
“Been cleaning – sorting clothes in closets and dressers all day. Felt real depressed yesterday – [Doctor] decided to up the Imipramine to the 150 mg. I was taken off of Desipramine – slow the thoughts down – don’t handle being alone very well.”
I could not handle letting my own inner reality surface — not yet, anyway. I can sense my insecure attachment disorder here, like an invisible electric current running inside a live wire.
++++
July 2, 1982
“I’m feeling my wild feeling, and walked down the “trail” to an old grain wagon parked in the grasses. The sun is still above the horizon, and it is hot. Clouds below the sun will soon swallow it.
Wind is rustling the trees, and I am reminded of the homestead – the trees on the mountainside and the river on the valley floor.
I’d like to be that wind – free – from thought.”
++
“Oceans lie where we can always find them. Why can’t I?”
++
“And as I write, capturing time,
I can reread, and see my past
In my present.”
++++
August 3, 1982
“Now
I’m a spider
Expertly spinning
My thoughts
Into miraculous
Flowing webs
When I’m depressed
I’m a fly
Tangled
Frightened
Captured
By these same
Silken
Threads”
++
I just had a 2009 thought as I read this. I wasn’t only unaware of HOW to feel, I did not know HOW to think, either (not about anything personal). I did not grow up in my insanely abusive childhood being able to think. ‘Ordinary’ childhoods, without a need for continual and nearly constant dissociation, no doubt allow children to grow up THINKING, and to grow into their thoughts. I never had that opportunity to get familiar with my own thoughts, to practice being a person WITH thoughts. No wonder ‘thinking’ felt so foreign, uncomfortable and dangerous to me!
(Also glad to see at least I was still doing some spinning and weaving at this time.)
+++++++++++++++++++++
AND A GIFT OF INFORMATION FROM:
| Prevent Child Abuse New York Blog
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| Making Kids a Priority
Posted: 29 Oct 2009 10:57 AM PDT Guest post by Michelle Gross, Project/Public Policy Manager, Prevent Child Abuse New York In this recession, working families are struggling to meet their children’s basic needs. Five out of six children in low-income families have at least one adult who works. These families are struggling to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table, and gas in the car so they can get to work. The stress of these difficult financial times takes the heaviest toll on at-risk families. More than ever before, programs that support families, like home visiting, parenting education, family resource centers, fatherhood and kinship support, and child advocacy centers play a pivotal role in ensuring a stable and more prosperous future. Yet, these services continue to be in danger of funding cuts. New York’s families’ health and well-being rests on the voices of advocates like you. As we prepare for the New York State Budget proposal for 2010-11, we must be vigilant in continuing to contact our state government representatives, from the governor to the legislature, and even locally. Regularly updating your elected officials on your program’s successes helps to reinforce the important role it plays in supporting families. Every voice counts, and it is up to us to speak for those who cannot. It can be daunting to contact your representative, but your advocacy can make the difference between a program funding cut and a program funding expansion. Here are a few tips on calling your elected official’s office:
Again, remember that what you have to say matters. As Margaret Mead said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” Children’s needs, long overlooked, should receive the highest priority during critical discussions leading to cuts in the New York State Budget. Far too few services are available at a time when demand is increasing greatly. We encourage our legislators to support programs that work, and to support families through this fiscal crisis. For more information about Prevent Chils Abuse New York’s Advocacy Programs, please visit our website: http://preventchildabuseny.org/advocacy.shtml |
| Traumatic Childhood Can Reduce Life Expectancy
Posted: 29 Oct 2009 08:27 AM PDT A difficult childhood reduces life expectancy by up to 20 years according to a study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine. The study found that participants who were exposed to more then five different types of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) were over 50 percent more likely to die during the 10-year period of the study. On the other hand, people who reported fewer than six ACEs did not have a statistically increased risk of death compared with the control group. Listen to a podcast Adversce Childhood Experiences and the Risk of Premature Mortality. To explore the effect that childhood trauma could have on life span, Kaiser Permanente mailed questionnaires to adults who were 18 years and older, and who had visited the Kaiser clinic in San Diego from 1995 to 1997. Overall, the study subjects were middle-class and had good health coverage. Of those surveyed, 75 percent were white, 11 percent Latino, 7 percent Asian, and 5 percent African-American. They’re educated: 75 percent attended college and 40 percent have a basic or higher college education. When they filled out the questionnaire, their average age was 57. Most of them had jobs. Half were women, half were men. The participants were asked about their exposure to eight categories of abuse or dysfunction based on previous Kaiser studies. One third of the 17,337 participants who replied to the questionnaires had an ACE score of zero, meaning they had not been exposed to any of the eight types of abuse or household dysfunction. The majority of the remaining responders registered a score of between one and four, whereas about 8 percent of the scoring participants were rated five, and roughly three percent, six to eight. During the next decade, the study authors, kept records of which of the 17,337 participants passed away by matching identifying information such as Social Security numbers from the questionnaire with data from the National Death Index. In total 1,539 of the participants died during the follow-up period. When the increased number of deaths in those subjects with an ACE score of six or greater was compared with the control group, their mortality risk was 1.5 times higher than for people whose childhoods had been free of all eight types of abuse. They lost about 20 years from their lives, living to 60.6 years on average, whereas the average age of death for the control group was 79.1. It is unclear why the authors saw more death ages during the 10-year period only for the group with an ACE score of six or greater. Previous studies by these authors found that the risk of chronic illnesses, such as heart disease, lung disease and cancer, was greater only for people with these high ACE scores. In contrast, the risk of substance abuse and suicide increased stepwise from low to high scores. The authors found that ACE-related health risks, namely mental illness, social problems and prescription medication use, accounted for about 30 percent of the 50 percent greater risk of death seen in this population. “As would be expected, the documented ACE-related conditions among participants appear to account for some, although not all, of the increased risk of premature death observed in the current study,” wrote David Brown, an epidemiologist at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and lead author of the study. This posting includes an audio/video/photo media file: Download Now |
Stop the Storm 