+TOUGH STUFF, LOOKING AT MYSELF AT 25

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It turns my stomach to read this 1976 letter I wrote to my mother.  I have a hard time showing myself mercy, or accepting today how blind I remained for so many, many years.  Nobody TOLD me my childhood was abusive.  Nobody EVER asked me about my childhood or seemed to care.  I had no idea the abuse I suffered for 18 years meant anything to anybody, and it certainly had no bearing that I was aware of on who I was in 1976.

Yet at the same time the abuse was running my life and I did not know it.  I was that same confused, hurting, scared, battered, isolated, depressed and lost person I had been throughout all of my life.  I was in pieces.  I was broken.  I was mislead.  I was so very courageous as I kept putting one foot in front of the other and marched down the road of my life – from one event to the next – never stopping to look backwards at where I had come from or at what I had endured.

At least if one survives a holocaust or a prisoner of war camp or torture as an adult, they have the advantage of knowing something HAPPENED to them that was traumatic, out of the ordinary, difficult.  I had the benefit of no such insight.  Just as I never knew what my siblings did, that my mother was NUTS, I also had no idea that what she did to me was WRONG or hurtful.

I needed to know.  How I was as an ongoing participant of the lie affected my ability to parent my own children.  I was prevented from being present in my own body or in my own life.  I was prevented from being a self even though I could pretend I was one, evidently well enough that nobody else ever noticed the truth about Linda, either.

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BE sure to  check out the newest 1955 spooky doll story at the bottom of the page with the little poem about my mother and dolls – as she indoctrinates not only me at 3 ½, but my 18 month old sister, Cindy, as well.

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+NOW PUBLISHED – MOTHER’S 1945 DIARY AND MY INTRO TO IT

Both of the following pages are now published online:  MY INTRODUCTION TO MY MOTHER’S 1945 DIARY, is placed on Stop the Storm, connected to my story of leaving home.

I placed it here because while my mother’s own writings as they are contained in MY MOTHER’S 1945 DIARY belong at Take Care of Mothers because they are her words of her own life that did not relate to my life as a child until I reached my own teen and young adult years as her daughter.

My introduction describes how my mother found ways of letting me know prior to my leaving home what her own young adulthood was like for her – as she contrasted it very clearly to my own experience of being a teen and young adult — as her daughter.  Believe me, unlike her, I had no fun at all.

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+MY LITTLE POEM ABOUT MY CHILD-SELF MOTHER

I believe my mother grew up as a young girl in an emotionally confusing, harsh and barren world where her doll babies were her solace.

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+INFORMATIVE CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION LINK

Prevent Child Abuse New York’s Blog

Prevent Child Abuse New York Blog
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Programs that Work: How the Strong Communities for Children Program is Making a Difference

Posted: 11 Jun 2009 02:24 AM PDT

The following “Five Questions for…” feature was produced by the American Psychological Association, and features Gary Melton, PhD, on the problems with our current approach to child protection and how the Strong Communities for Children program in South Carlina is creating safer, more supportive communities for kids and families.

Gary Melton—a psychologist and a professor and director of the Institute on Family and Neighborhood Life at Clemson University—focuses on the links among public policy, community supports and the well-being of children and families. As vice chair of the U.S. Advisory Board on Child Abuse and Neglect in the early 1990s, he led the board’s development of a neighborhood-based strategy for child protection. Dr. Melton has led the test of that strategy in Strong Communities for Children, a foundation-funded, community-wide initiative (more than $10 million over 7.5 years) to prevent child abuse and neglect in parts of Greenville and Anderson counties in South Carolina.

APA: What’s wrong with the current approach to protecting children in the United States?

Dr. Melton: The current approach to child protection was adopted in every state in the early 1960s and is now outdated. The hallmark of the approach is mandated reporting and investigation of cases of suspected child abuse and neglect — in essence, case-finding. This strategy was the product of an extraordinarily influential article in the Journal of the American Medical Association. At the time, however, the authors estimated that there were about 300 cases of child maltreatment in the United States each year, but today, we have about 3 million calls each year to Child Protective Services to report suspected child abuse or neglect. Case-finding isn’t the problem!

The designers of the child protection system also typically assumed that there was something very wrong with parents who maltreated their children — that they were very sick or simply very evil. In the majority of cases (both reported and unreported), however, child maltreatment involves neglect, not abuse, and the neglect is not willful. Instead, neglecting parents are typically overwhelmed by a multitude of problems without having the means — both economic and social — to solve them. Their supervision of their children becomes less diligent because they are trying to cope alone with too many social and economic problems.

Unfortunately, the question that the child protection system is designed to answer is, “What happened?” not, “What can we do to help?” And it definitely is not designed to answer the latter question before abuse or neglect occurs.

As the U.S. Advisory Board on Child Abuse and Neglect concluded, “it has become far easier to pick up the telephone to report one’s neighbor for child abuse than it is for that neighbor to pick up the telephone to request and receive help before the abuse happens.” Instead, we spend vast resources on law-enforcement-style investigations by child protection workers — investigations that usually do not result in meaningful services.

APA: How is your new initiative in the Greenville area different?

Dr. Melton: We are trying to make child protection a part of everyday life. Our ultimate goal of “keeping kids safe” requires that “every child and every parent know that when they have a reason to celebrate, worry or grieve, someone will notice, and someone will care.” Parents should know that someone cares and will be there without their having to become “clients” or “cases” and even without their having to ask for help.

So keeping kids safe is not just the job of the public child welfare agency. Instead, our principal allies are church members, firefighters, civic club members, school staff, pediatricians, apartment managers, real estate agents and “just folks.” Primarily using volunteers, we’re making help available when and where people need it. We’re creating opportunities for families to get together or to seek help in ordinary places — schools, churches, parks, libraries and so forth — so that folks “naturally” recognize needs for help and then lend a hand. The number of ways that they provide help and the amount that they provide keep growing.

APA: Is the Strong Communities program working?

Dr. Melton: My standard answer is that Strong Communities has restored my faith in humanity! At a time when there is an enormous body of evidence showing that people — especially young people — are more and more isolated, unengaged and distrustful, we’ve enlisted more than 5,500 volunteers in seven years in an area that has about 125,000 residents. They’ve joined us through hundreds of churches, hundreds of businesses, virtually all of the civic clubs and active neighborhood associations, many of the schools, and all of the local governments and public safety agencies in the area. It’s a movement, not a program.

And it’s making a difference. Across time and compared with parents living in similar communities not involved in the initiative, randomly selected parents who live in the Strong Communities area indicate that they’ve taken more active steps to protect their children (for example, covering electrical outlets). They report being more nurturing (for example, showing more affection toward their children) and less neglecting (for example, providing adequate supervision).

Moreover, parents, teachers and especially children themselves are more likely to perceive children as safe at school and on the way to school. All three groups also are more likely to perceive the schools as welcoming to parents.

APA: As the economy worsens, should people be especially worried about child abuse and neglect?

Dr. Melton: Economic security is a major factor in child safety. For example, risk increases when a family faces unemployment or high risk of losing a job, and they live in a community with entrenched high rates of unemployment. Parents begin to think that not only are their children not getting what they need, but they themselves can do little to make the situation better. When parents see other parents having the same problems and not finding a way out, they begin to feel hopeless. They may become so depressed that they don’t provide adequate care, or they may become so frustrated that they lash out.

Beyond changing parents’ feelings of helplessness, the reality is that it is harder for parents to care adequately for their children when times are tough. For example, when the home or the neighborhood becomes unsafe because things are in disrepair, it is easier for kids to get hurt. Similarly, when parents lose insurance, they may find it difficult to get health care for their children or themselves and their physical ability to keep things going may suffer.

At the same time, money is not the whole problem. The much longer term trend is toward increased isolation, and that problem crosses social class, although it is most common among the families with the greatest needs. About one in five parents of young children in our area report being very isolated — for example, not having anyone to call when they need emergency child care, not knowing any of the children in the neighborhood by name, and not belonging to any organizations, except perhaps a church. This social poverty occurs frequently in wealthy neighborhoods among college-educated parents, not just among those with many advantages.

My colleague James McDonell has shown that neighborhood cohesiveness does matter, however, in children’s safety. Even when the poverty rate, occupancy rate and other measures of wealth are held constant, neighborhood quality is a very strong factor in children’s safety in their own homes, as measured both by parents’ accounts and by emergency-room records. In other words, in communities where neighbors no longer care enough to keep the neighborhood looking nice and when they are so afraid that they erect fences around their homes, kids’ safety suffers, even in wealthy communities. Again, children are safest when parents believe that others care about them and will step in to help if needed.

APA: Is there hope? Given all of the difficulties that families are facing, can we be assured that children will be safe?

Dr. Melton: Yes, there is hope! There are two facts that are especially heartening.

First, our volunteers in Strong Communities are representative of the communities as a whole. Men and women, older and younger folks, wealthy and disadvantaged, and white, brown and black people all are important in the movement.

However, the engagement actually has been strongest in communities that are more disadvantaged. The most disadvantaged community in our service area makes ups about 10 percent of the population, but we’ve recruited about 40 percent of the volunteers there, and they’ve contributed about 40 percent hours of service.

In short, even in communities under great stress — but not just those communities — it is still possible to engage people in positive steps toward keeping kids safe. The Golden Rule is still a powerful motivator.

Second, looking nationally, there is substantial evidence that the prevalence of physical abuse and sexual abuse declined markedly in the 1990s, although that change did not occur in regard to neglect. My own interpretation is that the community norms across the country became clearer and stronger in regard to abuse: “Don’t do it!” People stopped hitting and exploiting kids as much or as severely. We can treat kids like people, each one deserving respect and security.

However, the lack of change in the rate of neglect suggests that it is not only a more common problem but also a more difficult one. It requires changes in norms about what people should do, not what they must stop. It also requires the whole community’s watching out for each other; maybe “watching over” is an even better metaphor. Strong communities build and sustain strong families. Even in hard times, we can make kids safer when we reach out to parents and give them a hand. Even an occasional night out can make a big difference.

For more information for parents on creating healthful and non-violent environments for their children, go to APA’s ACT site.

+APPROACHING MY MOTHER’S 1953 DIARY

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These are both completed now:

*MY INTRODUCTION TO MY MOTHER’S 1953 DIARY

**1953 – MY MOTHER’S DIARY – PART ONE

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I could not complete the transcription of my mother’s 1953 diary without stopping half way through the year.  I had to give myself permission to create a context of safety for myself as I continue to read her words.  The platform that I created for myself as I wrote my introduction to her 1953 diary feels secure enough for me to continue the transcription of her writings.  The transcription is not complete yet, but I will let you know as soon as they are published online as they will be contained within the following pages:

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*MY INTRODUCTION TO MY MOTHER’S 1953 DIARY

**1953 – MY MOTHER’S DIARY – PART ONE

**1953 – MY MOTHER’S DIARY – PART TWO

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+LINK TO THE JUNE 2009 ONLINE CHILD WELFARE DIGEST

Here is an information-packed child welfare site, the Children’s Bureau Express.

Their June 2009 Online Digest contains such information as:

The month of June brings a new PSA campaign to encourage adoption from foster care. Helping youth is a focus, with a site visit report and a Federal interagency effort for all disadvantaged youth. And, as always, find great new resources from the T&TA Network.

This month, CBX looks at how community efforts can effect change in families’ lives. Examples from across the country show the benefits of collaborations across community agencies and populations.

CBX highlights evidence-based practices in parent training, housing-based efforts for transitioning youth, guiding principles for rural research, and the impact of parents’ probationary status on their children.

CBX offers tools for practitioners, including guidelines for community investigations of child injury, resources for implementing Fostering Connections, and an international manual to measure indicators of well-being.

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Check it out!!

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COMING SOON:  I am in the process of transcribing my mother’s 1953 diary, the year John turned 3, I turned 2 and Cindy was born.  Will be posted as soon as I complete it.

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+THE ABILITY TO WONDER AND BEING A WITNESS TO MY OWN ABUSE

I began the page I wrote today (published under My Childhood Stories) in response to a reader’s post on my mother’s letters that I transcribed yesterday.  My writing rapidly led me in the direction of beginning to understand that I am both a witness abuse survivor of my own abuse at the same time I am a survivor of the abuse itself.  I am beginning to understand that these were two separate and different experiences that I had, NEARLY but not exactly at the same time, as I lived in one body, and that each affected me in different ways.  Like two different rivers feeding into one, both experiences are linked in differing ways to dissociation.

Today’s writing pathway also led into the subject of the gift of having the ability to wonder (or not ) and into a clear infant abuse memory that came to me shortly after I wrote the letter disowning my mother.

This entire writing is an important contribution to my growing understanding of a new ‘real reality’ that is separate and different from the reality that was built into my body-brain-mind during 18 years of abuse by my mother.

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+NEWLY TRANSCRIBED LETTERS

My own story of The Fire Ants has been placed in the section on My Childhood Stories.  It describes my growing reality as it differs from my mother’s version of the event she describes in her letter to my father, June 17, 1957.

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The rest of the new 1957 letters I transcribed today, 060909, including the fire ant letter, can be seen at Take Care of Mothers.

These files are in a temporary location, but can be seen after they are filed on that blog in their permanent location.

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+MARCHING ON TO VICTORY OVER TRAUMA

I wish I could remember my dreams!  Using the super powers of retrospect, I am learning how to understand and accept that the loss of awareness about my dreams today must be some further manifestation of the aging process.

About two months ago I woke in the middle of the night and sat up in bed with a revelation.  I knew when I woke up that I had been in the midst of a series of dreams that seemed to be moving in fast-forward motion.  At the instant I woke up I heard these words in my mind:  “Of course you don’t remember your dreams any more, Linda!  Look at the dreams you just woke up from.  They are so complicated and contain so much information that it would be impossible for anyone to actually remember them.”

Did I somehow receive a massive addition of a computer’s version of memory processing abilities ‘back there’ a few years ago at the time that I no longer remembered my dreams?  The ‘not knowing’ my dreams started about 10 years ago.  I distinctly remember the last GOOD dream I had.  I was living in Sioux Falls, South Dakota just prior to moving down here to the desert in southeastern Arizona.  I wrote the dream down, though I don’t know at the moment where that piece of paper is.  I remember it, though, and someday I will write it to include in my story.

Oh, that IS what I was going to write about yesterday before my ‘cyber house’ came crashing down around my fingertips.  I was going to write about the origin of the flying dreams I had as a child, and I was going to insert links to other pages on this post.  That is, until I discovered the links were dead and went absolutely no place!  Hence, the house cleaning.

What I will say from my present position of grand mother-dom (even though I have no actual grandchildren), is that for those of you ‘youngsters’ who get to still experience vivid and clear dreams when you wake up, realize that those dreams and the ability to clearly remember them is a gift.  I know that now because my gift has either disappeared or transformed itself into something else that works for me in some other way.

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What I think happened is that at that time in Sioux Falls ten years ago when I could sense that the dreams were changing, if not leaving me, I was physically preparing for the onset of menopause, or parimenopause, though I did not realize it at the time.  By the time I made it through that major female transition period, my dreaming states that had been such a vital part of my life since childhood had disappeared, and I never had a chance to even consciously bid them goodbye.

It seems as if I was ‘supposed’ to be ready for this new phase of my life, and in fact I guess I am ready or I wouldn’t be here experiencing this life in my ‘older self’ at this moment.  I can whine all I want to about how much I miss my dreaming abilities — the experiences of dreaming them, the experiences of remembering them — but it will not change the fact that I now seem to be processing an increasingly massive amount of information  in my dreams in my present life.

Sometimes when I wake now I just know that ‘something, some how’ seems to have ‘downloaded’ this information into my brain.  Because of what I now know about how the right and left brain work out information processing while we sleep, I suspect that this isn’t REALLY new information I am gaining at all.  I rather suspect that I am being able now to release from my right brain vast amounts of information that has been stored there, waiting, since the beginning of my life.

As this information is integrated with the knowledge of my left brain while I sleep, I just wake in the morning with no single detail of the dreams I have had the night before.  It might be like switching from analog to digital processing.  But what I do know is that I am being in-formed in my sleep.

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This morning I woke up knowing that part of what I am accomplishing through this cyber-house cleaning I am undertaking at the moment, is a quarantine of my mother.  When I first started my blogging process, I created the other two blogs, Take Care of Mothers and Workspace for Stop the Storm, at the same time as I created this one.  I only vaguely knew that as time went on my ‘blog house’ would have to expand.  This morning I have a clearer sense of how this is actually working.

When I thought, Take Care of Mothers, I was looking at it from a sort of warm, fuzzy place — like I might should I think about buying one of our commercialized sentiment cards to recognize our culture’s version of Mother’s Day for someone.  When I woke up this morning I KNEW in a different way that some huge circle related to the wholeness of the act of caregiving itself had completed itself within me.

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I should not be surprised that one end of the ‘caregiving circle’, or hoop of life has connected itself to the other end today — like plugging two ends of an extension cord into itself.  Now I sense from within myself what it means to have the one end of caregiving (seen perhaps from the point of view of being a woman) of bringing a new life into the world and caring for it as it grows into life, to the other end of seeing the necessity for ending something, and thus for the necessity of caring into death.

When looking back at our childhoods, most of my siblings would agree with me that given our particular circumstances, the only way to have resolved our troubles with my mother would have been to kill her.  Ideally, she needed to be removed from our lives and placed into quarantine.  As we begin to truly understand how early childhood trauma changes an infant and young child’s developing brain-mind-self, we will begin to clearly see that the ‘dis-ease’ of unresolved trauma effects that they carry within themselves will be passed onto these people’s offspring in some way.

In my case, my mother’s trauma was passed on to me in the form of terrible abuse.  Now as I work to separate my mother’s writings from my own I am in fact FINALLY experiencing some version of quarantine for my mother as I remove her to the Take Care of Mothers blog space.  I am ‘taking care’ of her, not by shooting her like one might shoot a rabid animal or a broken horse, not like one might if they could actually imprison her for 14,500 years, but by beginning an actual physical process of my own where I find ways to extricate her mind OUT OF my own mind.

This kind of caregiving is necessary only for me.  She is dead and my actions have nothing to do with her.  But in this process of examining what it means to allow myself a full range of action, even in my thoughts, about what taking care of mothers can ACTUALLY mean, I see that there are mothers who have always needed the most extreme kind of caregiving — so that they could be protected from harming innocent others, if not also themselves.

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The extreme forms of isolation my mother was able to affect for me during the 18 years I spent being abused by her meant that she had an almost super human ability to control the development of my mind, including my thoughts and my thinking process itself.  This process that I am working on as I ‘banish’ my mother to the kingdom of my other blog is helping me to further clarify the distinction I make between ‘memory retrieval’ and ‘disclosure’.

As I work to explore and connect all the fragmented pieces of my own history as it relates to the whole person I want to be (more of) today, I realize that as I return for my own memories I am forced to re-member myself with my mother in the picture (in the memory).  Obviously she was there.  She was the one that traumatized me in the first place.

That is where the power of disclosure enters into my process of healing my dissociations.  This is what I was evidently ‘working on’ during my dreaming state last night.  As I work with my own fragmented memories of myself in my life as they affected the formation of who I grew up being, through disclosure I can separate my mother from myself in those memories.  I can place HER in a different place and ME in another, safe one.

I find it interesting that within my own mind I have created the third blog of Workspace for Stop the Storm in the MIDDLE between the blog where my mother has been banished to and the one where I am knowing-through-telling my own story.  This workspace is a buffer zone between us.  Perhaps because I am trying to heal particularly from the abuse against me perpetrated by a Borderline Personality Disorder mother, creating this definite boundary zone between us is of utmost importance in my process.

Only in the most physically literal way was the umbilical cord connecting my mother to me ever severed.  On every other level — except for what I believe to be the spiritual one where she could not touch my essential self — that connection between the two of us remained intact.  Not only was that true for the 18 years I was continually exposed to her maliciousness, but it has also been true as she has infiltrated my mind to this day.

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I am going to divide and conquer, all right.  She ruled my life during all of my formative years, yet she could never completely rule me.  This is a war of wills as I continue to empower myself to rule my own body-brain-mind and soul.  She trampled where she had no business being.  She trampled on me, she trampled me.  But she did not conquer me and I aim to prove it.

“March on, oh wounded ones, march on!”

I am in fact reclaiming the soil of my own selfdom!  When I am done cleaning my own house, my mother will not be in it.

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As always, thank you for reading.  Your comments are welcome and appreciated!  Linda

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+I’M NOT KIDDING! It’s A MESS HERE!

HELP!!  I am in blogger’s hell!!  In trying to clean up, rearrange, reassign pages, move some, delete some, etc. I think all the pages and posts have staged a mutiny!  A revolt!  They are on the lose, running the show, I’m helpless!  I’m drowning!!

I hope things get better soon so I can get back to writing!!  I was all ready to write a super post today, and then found out there were dead links all over this site, and I didn’t put them there!  I hope I can remember what I was going to write, after this house gets cleaned!

Thanks for your patience!

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Here are some links on attachment disorders and mothers for you to check out while you wait!

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I’m working on:

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Take Care of Mothers, where all my own mother’s writings have been moved to.  I am also in the processing of moving all the information on secure and insecure attachment patterns over there.

and

Workspace for Stop the Storm – both blogs being about stopping the intergenerational transmission of unresolved traumas, about stopping child abuse and about healing traumas.  Thank you!  Linda

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