+HOW DOES THE SELF GET FORMED? HERE’S A WHOLE LOT OF IMPORTANT INFO

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Browse through or study the information presented in this post about attachment and the early forming right brain – but it is IMPORTANT!  There is a nitty-gritty to attachment and the part it plays in our brain-mind-self development.  When we think about our own self in the world, and as we interact with our self and with others, we are exercising our attachment system as it formed us and formed itself into us.  Empathy may well be what connects the operation of our emotional and social brain – because these operations happen in the same place – our earliest forming right limbic EMOTIONAL-SOCIAL brain.

The information I am going to present today seems complicated because we are not used to thinking about ourselves and others in the terms that most accurately describe our human, social specie’s inner workings – or the behaviors and actions that we accomplish because of how our body-brain actually works.

This information today comes from the writings of Dr. Allan N. Schore, presented in his book, Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self (2003).  This information comes from the second chapter in his book:  Minds in the Making:  Attachment, the Self-Organizing Brain, and Developmentally-Oriented Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy (pages 33-57)

There’s plenty to think about here.  I left some of my own musings in italics interspersed within these quotations from when I first encountered this information several years ago.  Bold type and underlining throughout is mine.  This is as close to a human operating manual as I think we could find.

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IMPORTANT

++ the attachment relationship directly shapes [through certain maternal behaviors] the maturation of the infant’s right-brain stress-coping systems that act at levels beneath awareness (schore/ar/44)

++++

The orbital cortex matures in the middle of the second year, a time when the average child has a productive vocabulary of less than 70 words.  The core of the self is thus nonverbal and unconscious, and it lies in patterns of affect regulation.  (schore/ar/46)”

++++

“If attachment is interactive synchrony, stress is defined as an asynchrony in an interactional sequence, and, following this, a period of reestablished synchrony allows for stress recovery. (schore/ar/39)”

[This is what Schore elsewhere calls ‘rupture and repair’.]

++++

“Indeed, psychobiological attunement, interactive resonance, and the mutual synchronization and entrainment of physiological rhythms are fundamental processes that mediates attachment bond formation, and

attachment can be defined as the interactive regulation of biological synchronicity between organisms…. Attachment is thus the dyadic (interactive) regulation of emotion….(schore/ar/39)”

++++

“Thus, regulation theory suggests that attachment is, in essence, the right-brain regulation of biological synchronicity between organisms. (schore/ar/41)

++++

Schore wrote this chapter in 2001, a presentation for the Seventh Annual John Bowlby Memorial Lecture

Bowlby’s ideas on attachment are “the dominant model of human development available to science”  (schore/ar/33)

Research is demonstrating the “clinical relevance of the concepts of mental representations of internal working models and reflective functions” are two fundamental characteristics of “minds in the making”  (schore/ar/33)

“…the new developments that are recoupling Freud and Bowlby come from neuroscience.  (schore/ar/34)”

Schore states that in his ongoing writings he writes “from a psychoneurobiological point of view, a specification of the structural systems of the developing unconscious in terms of recent brain research.  This work on “the origin of the self”…attempts to document the ontogenetic evolution of the neurobiology of subjectivity and intersubjectivity, which I equate with specifically the experience-dependent self-organization of the early-developing right hemisphere.  (schore/ar/34)”

“the structural development of the right hemisphere mediates the functional development of the unconscious mind…. [and is] the repository of Bowlby’s unconscious internal working models of the attachment relationship.  (schore/ar/34)”

“…the system unconscious” … has, according to Schore’s discussion on Freud’s work, “regulatory structures and dynamics”  (schore/ar/35)

is describing a scientific trend toward convergence of “the study of the brain and the study of the mind.  (schore/ar/35)

“The early developing right brain…is the neurobiological substrate of Freud’s system unconscious….A body of research now indicates that the right hemisphere is dominant in human infancy, and indeed, for the first 3 years of life.  (schore/ar/35)

I feel as though I am on the trail of unraveling a great mystery as I approach this chapter.  I want to understand how it was possible that I had so little independent thought before the age of 18.  I want to understand how I endured the thousands of hours of enforced isolation as a child.  I want to understand how I could sit on the side of a mountain at 18 and not think a thought.  I want to understand how exactly I GOT my mother’s mind.  And I want to understand how she GOT her own.

“the right hemisphere contains an affective-configurational representational system, one that encodes self-and-object images

“while the left utilizes a lexical-semantic mode.  In (schore/ar/35)

“greater right than left hemispheric involvement in the unconscious processing of affect-evoking stimuli” in (schore/ar/35)

“unconscious processing of emotional stimuli is specifically associated with activation of the right [unconscious mind] and not left hemisphere [conscious response]” in (schore/ar/35)

“…I suggest that structure refers to those specific brain systems, particularly right-brain systems, that underlie these various mental functions [such as internal cognitive processes like representations and defenses, and content like conflicts and fantasies].  In other words, the internal psychic systems involved in processing information at levels beneath awareness…and structural …models, can now be identified by neuroscience.  (schore/ar/36)”

“…one of the major questions of science, specifically [is], how and why do certain early ontogenetic events have such an inordinate effect on everything that follows?  (schore/ar/36)”

“period of the brain spurt that continues through the second year of life” in (schore/ar/36)

“attachment transactions mediate “the social construction of the human brain” in (schore/ar/36)”

“specifically the social emotional brain that supports the unique operations of “the right mind.”  Attachment is thus inextricably linked to developmental neuroscience.  (schore/ar/36)”

Bowlby placed “attachment at the center of human development.  In (schore/ar/36)

We now know that an infant functions in a fundamentally unconscious way, and unconscious processes in an older child or adult can be traced back to the primitive functioning of the infant.  Knowledge of how the maturation of the right brain, “the right mind,” is directly influenced by the attachment relationship offers us a chance to more deeply understand not just the contents of the unconscious, but its origins, structure, and dynamics.  (schore/ar/37)”

“attachment theory is fundamentally a regulatory theory.  (schore/ar/37)”

“…the psychobiological regulatory events that mediate the attachment process and the psychoneurobiological regulatory mechanisms by which “the right mind” organizes in infancy.  (schore/ar/37)”

++++

“The essential task of the first year of human life is the creation of a secure attachment between the infant and primary caregiver.”

“Indeed, as soon as the child is born it uses its maturing sensory capacities, especially smell, taste, and touch, to interact with the social environment.  (Schore/ar/37)”

++++

“But at 2 months a developmental milestone occurs in the infant brain; specifically, the onset of a criticalperiod in the maturation of the occipital cortex …  This allows for a dramatic progression of its social and emotional capacities.  In particular, the mother’s emotionally expressive face is, by far, the most potent visual stimulus in the infant’s environment, and the child’s intense interest in her face, especially in her eyes, leads him/her to track it in space, and to engage in periods of intense mutual gaze.  (schore/ar/38)”

“The infant’s gaze, in turn, reliably evokes the mother’s gaze, thereby acting as a potent interpersonal channel for the transmission of “reciprocal mutual influences.”  (Schore/ar/38)

“…Face-to-face interactions, emerging at approximately 2 months of age, are highly arousing, affect-laden, short interpersonal events that expose the infants to high levels of cognitive and social information.  To regulate the high positive arousal, mothers and infants…synchronize the intensity of their affective behavior within lags of split seconds.”  (schore/ar/38)

“In this process of affect synchrony, the intuitive … mother initially attunes to and resonates with the infant’s resting state, but as this state is dynamically activated (or deactivated or hyperactivated) she fine tunes and corrects the intensity and duration of her affective stimulation in order to maintain the child’s positive affective state.  As a result of this moment-by-moment state matching, both partners increase together their degree of engagement.  The fact that the coordination of responses is so rapid suggests the existence of a bond of unconscious communication. (schore/ar/38)”

“In this interpersonal context of “contingent responsivity” the more the mother tunes her activity level to the infant during periods of social engagement, the more she allows him/her to recover quietly in periods of disengagement, and the more she contingently responds to his/her signals for reengagement, the more synchronized their interactions becomes…. The primary caregiver thus facilitates the infant’s information processing by adjusting the mode, amount, variability, and timing of stimulation to its [the infant’s] actual temperamental-physiological abilities.  These mutually attuned synchronized interactions are fundamental to the ongoing affective development of the infant.  (Schore/ar/39)”

Reciprocal facial signally thus represents an open channel of social communication, and this interactive matrix

promotes the outward expression of internal affects in infants.

In order to enter into this communication, the mother must be psychobiologically attuned not so much to the child’s overt behavior as to the reflections of his/her internal state.[I don’t have a clue what this means?  I’m probably running into my own “wall of damage” here – How could the infant’s overt behavior deviate from it’s internal state at this point?  Wouldn’t they naturally be in sync?  An infant at this age would not be able to lie!] In light of the fact that misattunements are a common developmental phenomena, she also must modulate nonoptimal high levels of stimulation that would trigger hyperarousal, or low levels that engender hypoarousal in the infant.  (schore/ar/39)”

“Most importantly, the arousal-regulating primary caregiver must

participate in interactive repair to regulate interactively induced

stress states in the infant.  If attachment is interactive synchrony, stress is defined as an asynchrony in an interactional sequence, and, following this, a period of reestablished synchrony allows for stress recovery.  [Boy, I sure missed this one, too!!  Yet I am sure I had lots of “interactively induced stress states” from my mother’s abuse of me!  I am sure I had lost of stress states, and they sure weren’t repaired!  All asynchrony, no synchrony.}  In this reattunement pattern of “disruption and repair” the “good-enough” caregiver who induces a stress response in her infant through a misattunement, self-corrects and in a timely fashion reinvokes her psychobiologically attuned regulation of the infant’s negative affective state that she has triggered.  [My mother certainly invoked a lot of stress with no repair.] The key to this is the caregiver’s capacity to monitor and regulate her own affect, especially negative affect.[And in course when parents were abused themselves as infants, they lack this ability – except with “earned attachment.”] (shore/ar/39)”

“These regulatory processes are precursors of psychological attachment and its associated emotions.

“An essential attachment function is “to promote the synchrony or regulation of biological and behavioral systems on an organismic level”…  Indeed, psychobiological attunement, interactive resonance, and the mutual synchronization and entrainment of physiological rhythms are fundamental processes that mediates attachment bond formation, and attachment can be defined as the interactive regulation of biological synchronicity between organisms….(schore/ar/39)”

IMPORTANT

“To put this another way, in forming an attachment bond of somatically expressed emotional communications, the mother is synchronizing and resonating with the rhythms of the infant’s dynamic internal states and then regulating the arousal level of these negative and positive states.

Attachment is thus the dyadic (interactive) regulation of emotion ….  The baby becomes attached to the

psychobiologically attuned regulating primary caregiver who not only

minimizes negative affect but also

maximizes opportunities for positive affect.  Attachment is not just the

reestablishment of security after a dysregulating experience and a stressful negative state; it is also the

interactive amplification of positive affects, as in play states.

Regulated interactions with a familiar, predictable primary caregiver create not only a sense of safety, but also a

positively charged curiosity that fuels the burgeoning self’s exploration of novel socioemotional and physical environments.  (schore/ar/40)”

“Furthermore, attachment is more than overt behavior, it is internal, “being built into the nervous system, in the course and as a result of the infant’s experience of his transactions with the mother… in (schore/ar/40)”

“…transfer of affect between mother and infant…processes whereby the primary object relations become internalized and transformed into psychic structure…. Work of Trevarthen on maternal-infant protoconversations…”The intrinsic regulators of human brain growth in a child are specifically adapted to be coupled, by emotional communication, to the regulators of adult brains:….  In these transactions, the resonance of the dyad ultimately permits the intercoordination of positive affective brain states.

“Trevarthen’s work underscored the fundamental principle that the baby’s brain is not only affected by these transactions, its growth requires brain-brain interaction and occurs in the context of an intimate positive affective relationship.  These findings support Emde’s assertion that “it is the emotional availability of the caregiver in intimacy which seems to be the most central growth-promoting feature of the early rearing experience” (1988, p. 32) in (schore/ar/40)

“There is consensus that interactions with the environment during sensitive periods are necessary for the brain as a whole to mature.  But we know that different regions of the brain mature at different times.  (schore/ar/40)”

right hemisphere matures before the left – infant’s emotional experience is stored in the right brain in sounds, pictures and images during early brain formation stages —  primary process

left matures later – secondary process functions

“I suggest that in these affectively synchronized, psychobiologically attuned face-to-face interactions the infant’s right hemisphere, which is dominant for the infant’s recognition of the maternal face and for the perception of arousal-inducing maternal facial affective expressions, [boy, talk about magnified arousal when the infant is so sensitively attuned to the mother’s face and her face is full of hate, rage and violence!} visual emotional information, and the prosody of the mother’s voice, is focusing her attention on and is therefore regulated by the output of the mother’s right hemisphere, which is (schore/ar/40) dominant for nonverbal communication, the processing and expression of facially and prosodically expressed emotional information, and the maternal capacity to comfort the infant.  (schore/ar/41)

“In support of this, Ryan and his colleagues, using electroencephalogram (EEG) and neuroimaging data, reported that “the positive emotional exchange resulting from autonomy-supportive parenting involves participation of right hemispheric cortical and subcortical systems that participate in global, tonic emotional modulation” …  In (schore/ar/41)  [this quote isn’t saying if this is in the adult, in the infant’s brain, or in both]

IMPORTANT

CONSCIOUSNESS

SHARING A MOTHER’S BRAIN

“There are clear experimental and theoretical indications that this emotional exchange also effects the development of the infant’s consciousness…. Tronick and his colleagues described how microregulatory social-emotional processes of communication generate

intersubjective states of consciousness in the infant-mother dyad.  In such there is “a mutual mapping of (some of) the elements of each interactuant’s state of consciousness into each of their brains” ….  (schore/ar/41)

++++

“Tronick and his team (1998) argued that the infant’s self-organizing system, when coupled with the mother’s, allows for a brain organization that can be expanded into more coherent and complex states of consciousness.  I suggest that Tronick was describing an expansion of what the neuroscientist Edelman (1989)

called primary consciousness, which relates visceral and emotional information pertaining to the biological self to stored information processing [what does “stored information processing” mean?] pertaining to outside reality.  Edelman lateralized primary consciousness to the right brain.  (schore/ar/41)

++++

“Thus, regulation theory suggests that attachment is, in essence, the right-brain regulation of biological synchronicity between organisms. (schore/ar/41)

According to Schore, Bowlby (1969a) asserted “…that attachment behavior is organized and regulated by means of a “control system” within the central nervous system.  (schore/ar/41)

BRAIN DEVELOPMENT

MATURATION OF AN ORBITOFRONTAL REGULATORY SYSTEM

Mature orbitofrontal cortex – “acts in “the highest level of control of behavior, especially in relation to emotion: … and plays “a particularly prominent role in the emotional modulation of experience” …  (schore/ar/41)”

“The orbitofrontal regions are not functional at birth.  (schore/ar/41)”

Over the course of the first year, limbic circuitries emerge in a sequential progression, from amygdala to anterior cingulated [is this the limbic cortex?  See figure 22 p. 43] to insula and finally to orbitofrontal …  And so, as a result of attachment experiences, this system enters a critical period of maturation in the last quarter of the first year, the same time that working models of attachment are first measures.  (schore/ar/42)”

++++

below – this is all one paragraph

“The orbital prefrontal cortex is positioned as a convergence zone where the cortex and subcortex meet. (schore/ar/42)”

It is the only cortical structure with direct connections to the hypothalamus, the amygdala, and the reticular formation in the brain stem that regulates arousal, and through these connections it can modulate instinctual behavior and internal drives.  (schore/ar/42)”

++ The orbital prefrontal cortex is positioned as a convergence zone where the cortex and subcortex meet.

++ only cortical structure with direct connections to the hypothalamus, the amygdala, and the reticular formation in the brain stem that regulates arousal

++ through these connections it can modulate instinctual behavior and internal drives

But because it contains neurons that process face and voice information, this system is also capable of appraising changes in the external environment, especially the social, object-related environment.  (schore/ar/42)”

++ contains neurons that process face and voice information

++ capable of appraising changes in the external environment, especially the social, object-related environment

Due to its unique connections, at the orbitofrontal level cortically processed information concerning the external environment, (e.g., visual and auditory stimuli emanating from the emotional face of the object) is integrated with subcortically processed information regarding the internal visceral environment (e.g., concurrent changes in the emotional or bodily self state).  (schore/ar/42)”

++ cortically processed information concerning the external environment is integrated with subcortically processed information regarding the internal visceral environment

In this manner, the (right) orbitofrontal cortex and its connections function in the “integration of adaptive bodily responses with ongoing emotional and attentional states of the organism” ….  (schore/ar/42)”

++  (right) orbitofrontal cortex and its connections function in the “integration of adaptive bodily responses with ongoing emotional and attentional states of the organism

++++

“The orbitofrontal system is now described as “a nodal cortical region that is important in assembling and monitoring relevant past and current experiences, including their affective and social values”  .….”(T)he orbitofrontal cortex is involved in critical human functions, such as social adjustment and the control of mood, drive and responsibility, traits that are crucial in defining the ‘personality’ of an individual”  ..  (schore/ar/42)”

++ assembling and monitoring relevant past and current experiences, including their affective and social values

[I did not have a sense of my self over time.  My memories were not connected to one another or to me.  Every incident of abuse was a “first time”]

++ is involved in critical human functions, such as social adjustment

++ control of mood

++ drive

++ responsibility

++ traits that are crucial in defining the ‘personality’ of an individual”

[Well, this area of my brain was damaged —  this has something to do with time – past and current experiences – it must have something to do with what I call dissociation, then – if all the experiences are just left somewhere to languish, without ever being “assembled” and nothing was ever considered “relevant” —  nothing had value —  I had no “right” to be a person, no right to value anything – and I could not override my mother’s injunction that I was not worth anything, and therefore nothing mattered to me – no value, no matter.

The word “drive” is in here – but if this part of the brain is not functioning at birth, do we have any drives at birth?]

++++

cortical-subcortical limbic network

“This frontolimbic cortex is situated at the hierarchical apex of an “anterior limbic prefrontal networkinterconnecting the orbital and medial prefrontal cortex with the temporal pole, cingulated [limbic cortex] and amygdala.  “This cortical-subcortical limbic network is involved in “affective responses to events and in the mnemonic [related to memory] processing and storage of these responses” …  (schore/ar/42)”

++ affective responses to events

++ the mnemonic [related to memory] processing and storage of these responses

[I did not have a sense of my self over time.  My memories were not connected to one another or to me.  Every incident of abuse was a “first time”]

“The limbic system is thought to be centrally implicated in the implicit processing of facial expressions without conscious awareness … in the capacity “to adapt to a rapidly changing environment,”  and in “the organization of new learning” …(schore/ar/42)”

[++ implicit processing of facial expressions without conscious awareness — reading social cues?

++ adapt to a rapidly changing environment — this is very hard for me, part of what is hard about the substitute teaching (that I am going to try again) —-  also, maybe why it takes me more time to answer a question!

++ organization of new learning —  reminds me of this summer, and of learning trig!!]

“Current findings…the limbic system is the site of developmental changes associated with the rise of attachment behaviors.  Indeed, it is held that “The integrity of the orbitofrontal cortex,” the highest level of the limbic system, “is necessary for acquiring very specific forms of knowledge for regulating interpersonal and social behavior”  … in (schore/ar/42)”

++ the limbic system is the site of developmental changes associated with the rise of attachment behaviors

++ the orbitofrontal cortex is the highest level of the limbic system

++ its integrity is necessary for acquiring very specific forms of knowledge for regulating interpersonal and social behavior

++++

Western (1997, p. 542) who asserted that “The attempt to regulate affect – to minimize unpleasant feelings and to maximize pleasant ones – is the driving force in human motivation.”  (schore/ar/46)”

++++

“The orbitofrontal system, the “Senior Executive” of the social-emotional brain, is especially expanded in the right cortex (Falk et al., 1990), and in its (schore/ar/42) role as an executive of limbic arousal it comes to act in the capacity of an executive control function for the entire right brain.  This hemisphere, which is dominant for unconscious processes, performs, on a moment-to-moment basis, a “valence tagging” function, in which perceptions receive a positive or negative affective charge, in accord…with a calibration of degrees of pleasure-unpleasure [pleasure seeking or avoiding]…. It also contains a “nonverbal affect lexicon,” a vocabulary for nonverbal affective signals such as facial expressions, gestures, and vocal tone or prosody …. (schore/ar/43)”

++ orbitofrontal system is Senior Executive” of the social-emotional brain, especially expanded in the right cortex

++ role as an executive of limbic arousal  and has role of executive control function for the entire right brain

++ This hemisphere is dominant for unconscious processes,

++ performs, on a moment-to-moment basis, a “valence tagging” function, in which perceptions receive a positive or negative affective charge

++  in accord…with a calibration of degrees of pleasure-unpleasure [pleasure seeking or avoiding]….

++ It also contains a “nonverbal affect lexicon,” a vocabulary for nonverbal affective signals such as facial expressions, gestures, and vocal tone or prosody

[I think this is what goes way back to the beginning of human life.  SEEKING attachment as a basic survival drive to meet the need of belonging, from which we will assign, discover, discriminate, differentiate all other positive or negative things the rest of our lives.  This is NOT a minor aspect of what is damaged and skewed with infant abuse.  It is core and central.  “appraisal and arousal” system

“good-enough” attachment lets this valence tagging system work well enough for us to function in the socioemotional world.  Without it, we will never be able – automatically or simply or accurately or quickly – to discriminate between what gives pleasure and what doesn’t – what to approach and what to avoid]

“The right hemisphere is, more so than the left, deeply connected into not only the limbic system but also both the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) that are responsible for (schore/ar/43) somatic expressions of all emotional states.  For this reason, the right hemisphere is dominant for a sense of corporeal and emotional self …  Indeed, the representation of visceral and somatic states and the processing of “self-related material” … are under primary control of the “nondominant” hemisphere.  The ANS has been called the “physiological bottom of the mind” …  (schore/ar/44)”

++ right hemisphere is, more so than the left, deeply connected into the limbic system

++ right hemisphere is, more so than the left, deeply connected into both the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) [physiological bottom of the mind]

++ that are responsible for somatic expressions of all emotional states

++ right hemisphere is dominant for a sense of corporeal and emotional self

++ right hemisphere is responsible for representation of visceral and somatic states and the processing of “self-related material

[I did NOT have a sense of self]

“…connections of the highest centers of the limbic system into the hypothalamus (the head ganglion of the ANS and anatomical locus of drive centers)…central role of drive in the system unconscious.  The fact that the right hemisphere contains “the most comprehensive and integrated map of the body state available to the brain” (Damasio, 1994, p. 66) indicates … “drive” as “the psychical representative of the stimuli originating from the organism”… [reaches] the “right mind” …”  (schore/ar/44)”

++ right hemisphere contains “the most comprehensive and integrated map of the body state available to the brain”

++ connections of the highest centers of the limbic system into the hypothalamus (the head ganglion of the ANS and anatomical locus of drive centers)…

++ “drive” as “[to Freud] the psychical representative of the stimuli originating from the organism”… [reaches] the “right mind”

“For the rest of the lifespan, the right brain plays a superior role in the regulation of fundamental physiological and endocrinological functions whose primary control centers are located in subcortical regions of the brain.  Because the hypothalamo-pituitary-adrenocortical axis and the sympathetic-adrenomedullary axis are both under the main control of the right cerebral cortex, this hemisphere contains “a unique response system preparing the organism to deal efficiently with external challenges”  …and thus its adaptive functions mediate the human stress response.  It therefore is centrally involved in the vital functions that support survival and enable the organism to cope actively and passively with stress …  In support of Bowlby’s speculation that the infant’s “capacity to cope with stress” is correlated with certain maternal behaviors (1969a, p. 344), the attachment relationship directly shapes the maturation of the infant’s right-brain stress-coping systems that act at levels beneath awareness.  (schore/ar/44)”

++ For the rest of the lifespan, the right brain plays a superior role in the regulation of fundamental physiological and endocrinological functions whose primary control centers are located in subcortical regions of the brain

++ Because the hypothalamo-pituitary-adrenocortical axis and the sympathetic-adrenomedullary axis are both under the main control of the right cerebral cortex, this hemisphere contains

++ “a unique response system preparing the organism to deal efficiently with external challenges”

++ and thus its adaptive functions mediate the human stress response

++ the right hemisphere is centrally involved in the vital functions that support survival and enable the organism to cope actively and passively with stress

IMPORTANT

++ the attachment relationship directly shapes [through certain maternal behaviors] the maturation of the infant’s right-brain stress-coping systems that act at levels beneath awareness

“The right hemisphere contributes to the development of reciprocal interactions within the mother-infant regulatory system and mediates the capacity for biological synchronicity, the regulatory mechanism of attachment.  Due to its role in regulating biological synchronicity between organisms, the activity of this hemisphere is instrumental to the empathic perception of the emotional states of other human beings…..According to Adolphs and colleagues, “Recognizing emotions from visually presented facial expressions requires right somatosensory cortices” and in this manner “we recognize another individual’s emotional state by internally generating somatosensory representations that stimulate how the individual would feel when displaying a certain facial expression”  (2000, p. 2683).  The interactive regulation of right brain attachment biology is thus the substrate of empathy.  (schore/ar/44)”

++ the right hemisphere mediates the capacity for biological synchronicity, the regulatory mechanism of ++ the activity of the right hemisphere is instrumental to the empathic perception of the emotional states of other human beings [mindsight]

++ right hemisphere somatosensory cortices are required for us to recognize visual presentation of facial expressions

++ we recognize others’ emotional states by internally generating somatosensory representations that are simulations of how that person would feel when displaying that particular facial expression [how did I learn what I did learn of this?  It is an area of shortcoming/disability for me at times.  I understand this to be the beginnings of “thought” – is that why I did not think?  Wonder?  I was thinking today, one must have some experience of something that is different or “other” in order to miss it, or even to imagine it – certainly to be able to hope for it or to have any expectations]

++ The interactive regulation of right brain attachment biology is thus the substrate of empathy [again, this makes me wonder about earned attachment – did I just watch my children and follow their lead?  Did I “join” with them?]

++++

MEMORY

“The right brain stores an internal working model of the attachment relationship that encodes strategies of affect regulation that maintain basic regulation and positive affect even in the face of environmental challenge (schore, 1994).

Because the right hemisphere is centrally involved in unconscious processes and in “implicit learning” … this unconscious model is stored in right-cerebral implicit-procedural memory.

Neuropsychological studies now also reveal that the right hemisphere, “the right mind,” and not the later forming verbal-linguistic left, is the substrate of affectively laden autobiographical memory …  (schore/ar/45)

[So what on earth happens if there is no attachment relationship?  Therefore no encoding of strategies of affect regulation that maintain basic regulation — and certainly no positive affect no matter how challenging the environment is!

Does this lack, then, also affect the right-cerebral implicit-procedural memory storage process?  AND, I did not, for 18 years, have “affectively laden autobiographical memory.”  I never thought about what happened to me.  But I do remember like in 5th grade imagining that I was kidnapped and left alone tied up in the back of a large truck – wondering and hoping if my parents would even care about me to look for me – let alone find me – and the strange thing is, I couldn’t imagine anything else but just this one thing – and I WANTED them to find me.  I wanted them to love me.  Yet even now, I can’t really handle it when people, even my kids, love me – like that part of me is numb, dead, or never developed that had the ability to feel love.  That is a tragedy of my life.  I have no trust of anyone. How do I know that I love others, what I feel is a HUGE feeling, but not be able to feel it if/when somebody loves me?  I think this is related to earned attachment and borrowed attachment. All I know is that I begin to feel a great sadness as I write this, and I fight to keep my distance from it – is it the hopeless despair I am really feeling?

This is part of where I think the “contamination” in professional thinking is – is this truly dissociation, not to remember the incidents once they occur?  And because they are not remembered, there was no possibility that they would or could be linked together.  I would think this would be a huge aspect of having no continuity, no continuousness, no coherent life story!  What does this have to do with consciousness?

Makes me think of that one time I was a senior and I stood and looked at the bathroom in our apartment and said to myself, “Now I am going to look at this and make a choice and decision to remember it.”  I still do.

Which reminds me of what happened – that whole summer of torture – related to leaving that note torn up in that bathroom’s wastebasket.  Why did I leave it there?  I had no consciousness –of the possible, probable consequences – so how well did I know mother’s mind – or my own?  (No reflective function – see below)]

++++

Psychobiological models refer to representations of the infant’s affective dialogue with the mother that can be accessed to regulate its affective state [NOPE, didn’t happen – unless I had models both of her public interactions with me and of her terrible private ones?] …  The orbitofrontal area is particularly involved in situations in which internally generated affective representations play a critical role …  Because this system is responsible for “cognitive-emotional interactions” … it generates internal working models.  These mental representations, according to Main, Kaplan, and Cassidy (1985), contain cognitive as well as affective components and act to guide appraisals of experience.  Recent findings – that the orbitofrontal cortex generates nonconscious biases that guide behavior before conscious knowledge does … codes the likely significance of future behavioral options … and represents an important site of contact between emotional information and mechanisms of action selection …– are consonant with Bowlby’s (1981) assertion that unconscious internal working models are used as guides for future action.  (Schore/ar/45).”

++ orbitofrontal area is particularly involved in situations in which internally generated affective representations play a critical role

++ this system [orbitofrontal area] is responsible for “cognitive-emotional interactions”

++ this system [orbitofrontal area] generates internal working models

++ mental representations contain cognitive as well as affective components and act to guide appraisals of experience

++ orbitofrontal cortex generates nonconscious biases that guide behavior before conscious knowledge does

++ orbitofrontal cortex codes the likely significance of future behavioral options

++ orbitofrontal cortex represents an important site of contact between emotional information and mechanisms of action selection

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SOCIAL EDITOR

“According to Fonagy and Target (1997), an important outcome of a secure attachment is a reflective function, a mental operation that enables the perception of another’s state.  [And, as Siegel certainly states, of one’s own mind] Brothers (1995, 1997) described a limbic circuit of orbitofrontal cortex, anterior cingulated gyrus, amygdala, and temporal pole that functions as a social “editor” that is “specialized for processing others social intentions” by appraising “significant gestures and expressions” (Brothers, 1997, p. 27) and “encourages the rest of the brain to report on features of the social environment” (p. 15).  The editor acts as a unitary system “specialized for responding to social signals of all kinds, a system that would ultimately construct representations of the mind” (p. 27).  Neuropsychological studies have indicated that the orbitofrontal cortex is “particularly involved in theory of mind tasks with an affective component” (stone and the others) and in empathy (Eslinger, 1998).  (Schore/ar/45)”

++ limbic circuit of orbitofrontal cortex, anterior cingulated gyrus, amygdala, and temporal pole that functions as a social “editor” that is “specialized for processing others social intentions” by appraising “significant gestures and expressions and “encourages the rest of the brain to report on features of the social environment

++ The editor acts as a unitary system “specialized for responding to social signals of all kinds, a system that would ultimately construct representations of the mind

++ orbitofrontal cortex is “particularly involved in theory of mind tasks with an affective component and in empathy

[So, do I have empathy?  I don’t know!  I think I have compassion – but I don’t really know anything at this point except that I know I have damage here – I have great difficulty with social intentions and the social environment.  How could I not?  I had no social environment – after the first grade coat abuse I never dared play at school again!

I can’t even understand what most people “mean” when the ask me a question – there are always so many possible meanings – and possible answers to each of those possible meanings – at the same time!  (like the Sioux Falls video store incident when I was there with Jan)  I can’t understand humor.  I can’t tell if people mean what they say – not even if they say they love me.  I mean, not even my siblings or my kids!  Love is a social emotion —

Trouble:  limbic circuit of orbitofrontal cortex, anterior cingulated gyrus, amygdala, and temporal pole that functions as a social “editor]

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“As previously mentioned, the orbitofrontal control system plays an essential role in the regulation of emotion.  This frontolimbic system provides a high-level coding that flexibly coordinates exteroceptive and interoceptive domains and functions to correct responses as social conditions change; processes feedback information; and thereby monitors, adjust, and corrects emotional responses and modulates the motivational control of goal-directed behavior.  It thus acts as a recovery mechanism that efficiently monitors and regulates the (schore/ar/45) duration, frequency, and intensity of not only positive but negative affect states.  Damasio has emphasized that developmental neurological damage of this system in the first 2 years leads to abnormal development of social and moral behaviors ….  (Schore/ar/46)”

++ orbitofrontal control system [frontolimbic system] provides a high-level coding that flexibly coordinates exteroceptive and interoceptive domains and functions to correct responses as social conditions change

++ orbitofrontal control system [frontolimbic system] processes feedback information

++ orbitofrontal control system [frontolimbic system] thereby monitors, adjust, and corrects emotional responses

++ orbitofrontal control system [frontolimbic system] modulates the motivational control of goal-directed behavior

++ orbitofrontal control system [frontolimbic system] acts as a recovery mechanism that efficiently monitors and regulates the duration, frequency, and intensity of not only positive but negative affect states

++ orbitofrontal control system [frontolimbic system] neurological damage in first 2 years of life leads to abnormal development of social and moral behaviors [this happens when there has been an insecure attachment – or no attachment — with a primary caregiver who has had misattuned interactions with the infant in abusive, neglectful, and traumatic environments]

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CORE SELF FORMED

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below here is all one paragraph

The orbital cortex matures in the middle of the second year, a time when the average child has a productive vocabulary of less than 70 words.  The core of the self is thus nonverbal and unconscious, and it lies in patterns of affect regulation.  [So, if there has been no affect regulation, I guess that means there is no self by this age.  And if whatever interactions that have occurred between infant and caregiver are extremely violent and terrifying, and peritrauma is chronic, then the brain must, to my thinking, form itself in disassociated fragments – although I don’t think schore uses “disorganized” in this book]

“This structural development allows for an internal sense of security and resilience [NOPE!] that comes from the intuitive knowledge that one can regulate the flows and shifts of one’s bodily based emotional states either by one’s own coping capacities or within a relationship with caring others.

“In developmental neurobiological studies, Ryan, Kuhl, and Ceci (1997) concluded that the operation of the right prefrontal cortex is integral to autonomous regulation, and that the activation of this system facilitates increases in positive affect in response to optimally challenging or personally meaningful situations, or decreases in negative affect in response to stressful events.

“Confirming earlier proposals for a central role of the right orbitofrontal areas in essential self-functions … current neuroimaging studies now demonstrate that the processing of self occurs within the right prefrontal cortices … and that the self-concept is represented in right frontal areas (…  (Schore/ar/46)”

++ orbital cortex matures in the middle of the second year, a time when the average child has a productive vocabulary of less than 70 words.

++ core of the self is thus nonverbal and unconscious, and it lies in patterns of affect regulation

++ This structural development allows for an internal sense of security and resilience that comes from the intuitive knowledge that one can regulate the flows and shifts of one’s bodily based emotional states either by one’s own coping capacities or within a relationship with caring others. [this is the ideal, and happens when there has been a secure attachment with a primary caregiver who has facilitated attuned interactions with the infant in adequate ways – happens in 50 – 55% of the population – otherwise, there are degrees of damage to this region of the brain and its functioning]

++ operation of the right prefrontal cortex is integral to autonomous regulation

++ activation of this system facilitates increases in positive affect in response to optimally challenging or personally meaningful situations

++ activation of this system facilitates decreases in negative affect in response to stressful events.

++ central role of the right orbitofrontal areas in essential self-functions

++ the processing of self occurs within the right prefrontal cortices

++ the self-concept is represented in right frontal areas

++++

“The functioning of the “self-correcting” orbitofrontal system is central to self-regulation, the ability to flexibly regulate emotional states through interactions with other humans (interactive regulation in interconnected contexts via a two-person psychology) and without other humans (autoregulation in autonomous contexts via a one-person psychology).  The adaptive capacity to shift between these dual regulatory modes, depending upon the social context, emerges out of a history of secure attachment interactions of a maturing biological organism and an early attuned social environment.  The essential aspect of this function is highlighted by Western (1997, p. 542) who asserted that “The attempt to regulate affect – to minimize unpleasant feelings and to maximize pleasant ones – is the driving force in human motivation.”  (schore/ar/46)”

++ the orbitofrontal system has a “self-correcting” function that is central to self-regulation

++ the ability to flexibly regulate emotional states through interactions with other humans (interactive regulation in interconnected contexts via a two-person [and on a more social level, more than two people] psychology)

++ and without other humans (autoregulation in autonomous contexts via a one-person psychology)

++ The adaptive capacity to shift between these dual regulatory modes, depending upon the social context, emerges out of a history of secure attachment interactions of a maturing biological organism and an early attuned social environment.

++ “The attempt to regulate affect – to minimize unpleasant feelings and to maximize pleasant ones – is the driving force in human motivation,” and is the essential aspect of this “self-correcting” function

[I suspect that I found a way to “self-correct” as an infant in a world of the monster and me.  There wasn’t anyone else there to help me do it.  It was like being given a spoon and being told to go dig the Panama Canal.  But I did it.  My brain built itself the best way that it could under those conditions.

Now at 55 as I attempt to discover what happened to me and what really went wrong, through studying these books that I have found because I have no other alternative or option available to me, I look around at the people I encounter in the world around me and I don’t see their “affect.”  I see people in “social” environments all being “smiley” to one another.  I don’t see people being real.  And I think to myself, “This must be because I don’t know what their version of being “real” is.”

How could I?  I didn’t get anything like what most of them did.  Not what at least 85% of the population around me did.  I got what the invisible rest of us 15% got, what the “experts” call “suboptimal parenting.”  I received disorganizing chaos of violence and trauma, and I am being told by these books that the only way to “fix” what ails me is to spend lots of time in long-term therapy with the best psychotherapist money could buy.

++++

“optimal developmental scenario[s]…[facilitate] the experience-dependent growth of an efficient regulatory system in the right hemisphere that supports functions associated with a secure attachment. (schore/ar/46)”

“On the other hand, growth-inhibiting environments negatively impact the ontogeny of self-regulatory prefrontal systems and generate attachment disorders, and such early disturbances of personality formation are mechanisms for the transmission of psychopathology.  (schore/ar/46)”

[So he is saying that there is a direct link between disturbances of personality formation and the negative impact on the early development of the self-regulatory prefrontal systems – which generates attachment disorders AND “are mechanisms for the transmission of psychopathology.  He is not specifying WHICH “level” of attachment disorder (or type).

Does one have an “altered” personality under these circumstances, then?  Especially when the SELF does not develop by 18 months correctly?  Or is it that at 12 months, if there is an insecure “enough” attachment that the self doesn’t form?]

“Very recent neuropsychiatric research demonstrates that reduced volume of prefrontal areas serves as an “endophenotypic marker of disposition to psychopathology” …

“…various forms of attachment pathologies specifically represent inefficient patterns of organization of the right brain, especially the right orbitofrontal areas…(schore is quoting himself with refs here)  (schore/ar/47)”  refers here to his writings on trauma

“Yet all [forms of attachment pathologies] share a common deficit:  Due to the impaired development of the right-cortical preconscious system that decodes emotional stimuli by actual felt emotional responses to stimuli, individuals with poor attachment histories display empathy disorders, the limited capacity to perceive the emotional states of others.  An inability to read facial expressions leads to a misattribution of emotional states and a misinterpretation of the intentions of others.  Thus, there are impairments in the processing of socioemotional information.  (schore/ar/47)”

“In addition to this deficit in social cognition, the deficit in self-regulation is manifest in a limited capacity to modulate the intensity and duration of affects, especially biologically primitive affects like shame, rage, excitement [anticipation], elation [joy-enjoyment], disgust, panic-terror, and hopelessness-despair [hopeless despair].

[He is saying “like” here, not that these are all of them – but these are, in slight variation, all he has mentioned thus far]  Under stress such individuals experience not discrete and differentiated affects, but diffuse, undifferentiated, chaotic states accompanied by overwhelming somatic and visceral sensations.  The poor capacity for what Fonagy and Target (1997) called “mentalization” leads to a restricted ability to reflect upon one’s emotional states.  Right-cortical dysfunction is specifically associated with alterations in body perception and disintegration of self-representation (Weinberg, 2000).  [not that I had a self-representation in the first place}  Solms also described a mechanism by which disorganization of a damaged [this is the FIRST I have seen them use this word – oops, go back to quote from top of p 46!!!]  or developmentally deficient right hemisphere is associated with a “collapse of internalized representations of the external world” in which “the patient regresses from whole to part object relationships” (1996, p. 347), a hallmark of early forming personality disorders.  (schore/ar/47)”

[OK and WOW!  That is quite a paragraph!]

++ growth-inhibiting environments generate attachment disorders

++ attachment disorders are attachment pathologies of “various forms”

++ attachment disorders are early disturbances of personality formation – early forming personality disorders

++ attachment disorders are mechanisms for the transmission of psychopathology

++ attachment disorders all share a common deficit

++ attachment disorders represent inefficient patterns of organization of the right brain

++ especially the right orbitofrontal areas

++ growth-inhibiting environments negatively impact the ontogeny of self-regulatory prefrontal systems [making them literally smaller, of “reduced volume”]

++ development of the right-cortical preconscious system that decodes emotional stimuli by actual felt emotional responses to stimuli is impaired

++ right-cortical hemisphere — is centrally involved in attachment functions — is dominant for the perception of the emotional states of others — by a right-posterior-cortical mechanism involved in the perception of nonverbal expressions embedded in facial and prosodic stimuli – is also dominant for “subjective emotional experiences (quoting Wittling)” – and for the detection of subjective objects (quoting Atchley)” – interactive “transfer of affect” between right brains of members of a dyad best described as intersubjectivity” (schore/ar/48)”

++ attachment disorders cause individuals to display empathy disorders

++ their capacity to perceive the emotional states of others is therefore limited

++ an inability to read facial expressions leads to a misattribution of emotional states and a misinterpretation of the intentions of others

++ thus there are impairments in the processing of socioemotional information

++ this is a deficit in social cognition

++ attachment disorders have a deficit in self-regulation

++ this manifests in a limited capacity to modulate the intensity and duration of affects

++ especially biologically primitive affects like shame, rage, excitement [anticipation], elation [joy-enjoyment], disgust, panic-terror, and hopelessness-despair [hopeless despair]

++ under stress such individuals experience not discrete and differentiated affects, but diffuse, undifferentiated, chaotic states accompanied by overwhelming somatic and visceral sensations

++ attachment disorders create a poor capacity for “mentalization”

++ a restricted ability to reflect upon one’s [or others’] emotional states [not having the ability to have a “theory of mind,” which is probably a distinctly human ability]

++ attachment disorder create right-cortical dysfunction, which is specifically associated with alterations in body perception and disintegration of self-representations

++ attachment disorders create a mechanism by which disorganization of a damaged or developmentally deficient right hemisphere can cause a “collapse of internalized representations of the external world” in which “the patient regresses from whole to part object relationships”

++ this is a hallmark of early forming personality disorders

++  I would also add that there is an interference with the development of “consciousness” and “awareness” and there is an interruption in processing the passage of time.  There is also great difficulty with “transitions” between “states of mind.”

++++

“There is consensus that the psychotherapy of these “developmental arrests” [remember:  Damasio has emphasized that developmental neurological damage of this system in the first 2 years leads to abnormal development of social and moral behaviors …Schore/ar/46)” and “Solms also described a mechanism by which disorganization of a damaged or developmentally deficient right hemisphere is associated with a “collapse of internalized representations of the external world” in which “the patient regresses from whole to part object relationships” (1996, p. 347), a hallmark of early forming personality disorders.  (schore/ar/47)”] is directed toward the mobilization of fundamental modes of development … and the completion of interrupted developmental processes …  This development is specifically emotional development. (schore/ar/47)”

[If they are ONLY talking about delay of emotional development, that is ONE THING.  But I believe that as the severity of infant abuse increases, and the severity of insecure attachment increases, so also does the severity of the damage.  If there is ONLY a delay in developing skills to regulate emotions, that is one thing.  Even though these authors are agreeing that a part of the brain, specifically, has not developed properly, I think there is much much more to the picture – and it is a continued disservice to people and to clients not to recognize and then communicate the WHOLE truth – that there is STILL much we don’t know, and that in the more severe situations, it is not merely a “developmental delay” or a “developmental arrest, “ or an “emotional immaturity” that is the problem.  It is in severe cases irreversible brain changes and/or damage.

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+IN MEMORY OF MY MOTHER; LINKS TO INFO ON BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

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In memory of my mother, and of the monster that ate her, here are some links I am behind on (catching up!) on information about Borderline Personality Disorder.

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But — First This, with gratitude to the person who sent me this link:

Eavesdropping on Happiness

Well-Being Is Related to Having Less Small Talk and More Substantive Conversations

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From Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD

Your Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is not uncommon for people with BPD to be misdiagnosed with another disorder before getting the correct diagnosis. Many clinicians who are less familiar with BPD might assign someone a diagnosis of chronic depression, or bipolar disorder, or even an anxiety disorder. Learn more about diagnosis of BPD.

BPD and Violence – The Facts, Not the Stigma Do men and women who have BPD commit more violent acts that the general population? Are all people with BPD violent? To what kinds of violence are people with BPD most prone?

Understanding the Cluster B Personality Disorders While BPD is associated with impulsive violence, there are other personality disorders that are associated with premeditated violence. Learn more about the Cluster B personality disorders.

What is Phone Coaching and How Can It Help You? One important aspect of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) for borderline personality disorder is phone coaching. What is phone coaching, and how can it help you cope with symptoms?

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder Learn more about the symptoms and associated features of borderline personality disorder, including emotional and relationship instability, impulsivity, suicidality, self-harm, and more.

Proposed Revisions to the DSM – Are Big Changes on the Way? The American Psychiatric Association (APA) recently posted the proposed changes to the upcoming edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (fifth edition). Find links to the relevant changes and share your reaction.

The Current BPD Diagnostic Criteria If you want to see just how big the changes are, here are the DSM diagnostic criteria for BPD as they currently stand.
What’s In a Name? Many are surprised that the term “borderline” is not being replaced in the DSM-V. Learn more about the history of the name controversy here.
Stigma and BPD For years, in the United States and abroad, public information campaigns have tried to combat the stigma associated with mental illness. Unfortunately, these campaigns don’t seem to have been successful.

BPD versus Bipolar Disorder – How to Tell the Difference The primary reason that some clinicians confuse BPD and bipolar disorder is that they share the common feature of mood instability.

Learn how to tell the difference between BPD and bipolar symptoms.

How is a BPD Diagnosis Made? How is BPD diagnosed? What symptoms contribute to a BPD diagnosis? And who made up these diagnostic criteria anyway? Learn all about BPD diagnosis.

What to Expect from a Good BPD Assessment Many people have been misdiagnosed after an inadequate or incomplete assessment. What should an assessment look like? How do you know you’ve been thoroughly assessed? These guidelines will help you understand how to get a good BPD assessment and what to expect.

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder Learn more about the symptoms and associated features of borderline personality disorder, including emotional and relationship instability, impulsivity, suicidality, self-harm, and more.

How to Create a Safety Plan This article covers the steps in making a clear and comprehensive safety plan. This is not something that can be done when you are already in the midst of a mental health emergency.

If you don’t already have a safety plan, bring this article to your therapist!

The Pros and Cons Tool This is a great tool to add to your safety plan – at lower levels of crisis, the pros and cons tool helps you make decisions about high risk behaviors.

Build a Social Support Network A key to a good safety plan is to have many sources of social support to rely on so that someone is always available (and so that you don’t burn-out existing supports). But how do you find support when you need it?

For Family and Friends of Individuals with BPD Does someone you care about have BPD? BPD can affect all types of relationships, including friends, family members, and romantic partners. Learn more about how BPD may be affecting your relationship, how to cope when a loved one has BPD, and how you can help..

Must Reads

What is BPD?
Symptoms of BPD
Diagnosis of BPD
Treatment of BPD
Living with BPD

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+LINKS: CHILD ABUSE AND CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION

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I am getting way behind on posting information links on child abuse prevention and Child Rights.   Here’s a post for catching up!!  Just click, roll and scan – follow any links that appeal to your interests.

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New Site about Kids’ Health for Parents

Posted: 10 Mar 2010 08:40 AM PST on Prevent Child Abuse New York’s Blog

Many parents, upon discovering their child’s stuffy nose, rising fever or latest injury, retreat to the computer to do some research. Other parents may consult Google to find answers about developmental questions, potty training or sleeping difficulties. While this can be helpful, the sheer volume of information available on the internet can be overwhelming and at times inaccurate. Good news, parents. The search for reliable information about child health and development just got easier.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recently launched a website that’s backed by 60,000 pediatricians. Healthychildren.org offers detailed answers to questions that parents have about their child’s well being. This website encourages parents to be proactive about their children’s health, providing reliable, up-to-date information.

Healthychildren.org is divided into multiple, easy to use sections, which include Ages and Stages, Healthy Living, Safety and Prevention, and Health Issues.

Although Healthychildren.org is an easy and convenient way to receive the up-to-date information, parents should always consult with their own pediatrician as well.

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Excellence in Child Abuse Prevention Awards

Posted: 15 Mar 2010 12:19 PM PDT on Prevent Child Abuse New York’s Blog

Do you know someone who has made an exceptional difference in the lives of New York’s children and families? Who works tirelessly to see that children live in families that love, nurture and protect them? Who has made their community a better, more supportive place for parents and kids? If so, we want to hear about them!

Prevent Child Abuse New York and New York’s Children and Family Trust Fund are proud to announce the 15th annual award recognition of excellence in the field of child abuse prevention in New York State.
Qualified nominees will have had an impact on any of four levels:

  • Societal issues, such as social norms or public policies.
  • Community issues, such as community development.
  • Personal relationships, such as family or peer-to-peer interactions.
  • Individual knowledge, attitudes, skill, or behavior about children or maltreatment.

The awards will be presented at the 15th Annual Child Abuse Prevention Conference, Education, Inspiration & Solutions , being held at the Marriott Hotel in Albany, New York, April 26-28, 2010.

Individuals, organizations and companies are all eligible for nomination.

For more information about the NYS Child Abuse Prevention Conference and the Excellence Awards, please call 518-445-1273.

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From CRIN – Child Rights Information Network

9 March 2010 – Child Rights at the Human Rights Council 58

Side event on national violence strategies [news]

A side event at the 13th Council session tackled the issue of violence against children, with delegates discussing the publication and implementation of the Council of Europe’s new Council of Europe Policy guidelines on integrated national strategies for the protection of children from violence.

Hannu Himanen, Permanent Representative of Finland to the United Nations Office, began the event by quoting the 2006 UN Study on Violence Against Children, which emphasised that action on violence requires an integrated plan. He said: “A piecemeal approach does not do the job.”

“For example”, he said, “in Finland, my country, the governement banned corporal punishment in 1984. This was an important step, but still it occurs. A recent study showed that one quarter of Finish adults accept the notion of corporal punishment.”

Mr Himanen said that a quote from Thomas Hammerberg, Commissioner for Human Rights at the Council of Europe, at the 20th CRC anniversary conference, had stayed with him. Mr Hammerberg said: “It is paradoxical and an affront to humanity that the smallest and most vulnerable people should have less protection from assault than adults.”

Lothar Friedrich Krappmann, of the Committee on the Rights of the Child, said: “The adoption of these guidelines is a significant step in the protection of violence against children.”

He went on to emphasise that: “No violence against children is acceptable. All violence against children is preventable.” Mr Krappmann said this was not limited to physical violence, but also mental abuse.

He said there had not been enough coordination between different initiatives, programmes and policies. “These guidelines affect more than 200 million children,” he added.

Marta Santos Pais, Special Representative to the Secretary General on Violence Against Children, also presented at the event. She said: “Regional organisations such as the Council of Europe can have a huge influence in regional implementation of standards, and aid cross fertilisation.”

The Council has been very influential in promoting a regional platform, she continued. In 2010, many countries have not adopted a violence strategy, even though the UN Study on Violence Against Children stated all countries should adopt a strategy by 2007. This should also include laying down markers for implementation. These European guidelines help to address some of these requirements and are relevant everywhere, she added.

She said: “I believe that promoting the dissemination of these guidelines will help us move forward on implementing the UN Study’s recommendations, and could provide a good framework in countries all over the world.”

Lioubov Samokhina, Head of the Children’s Rights Policies Division at the Council of Europe, spoke about the development of the guidelines, and the approach taken in the drafting process. “The main objective of the guideline is to promote a culture of respect for the rights of children, and to stimulate change in the attitude towards children and childhood,” she said. The main aim of the guidelines, she added, was to encourage States to develop a multi-faceted and systematic framework.

Idália Moniz, Secretary of State for Disability, Portugal, spoke of her country’s efforts to adopt an integrated and model strategy. She emphasised the importance of redefining budgets. Portuguese criminal law was changed in 2007 to outlaw all forms of corporal punishment. Cooperation is needed on all levels, from local researchers to policy and decision makers, she said.

NGO role

Peter Newell, of the NGO Advisory Council on Violence Against Children, spoke of the role of the non-governmental sector.

He said: “We are speaking about all violence, however slight. There is an adult tendency to draw a line between so-called softer forms of violence.”

He said the biggest role for NGOs was advocacy. “I think these guidelines are an advocacy tool of great value,” he added.

Mr Newell said there is still a long way to go, within the Council of Europe, and everywhere else. Mechanisms are still not being used to promote an end to all violence against children, and no country can claim to have an effective strategy against violence against children when some forms of punishment are still legally endorsed.

Twenty seven of the 47 Member States have still not prohibited all forms of violence against children, and in many countries corporal punishment is still permitted in institutions such as care homes. It is inconceivable that States would defend legalised violence towards any other groups, such as women, people with disabilities or elderly people, Mr Newell said.

Retrospective research studies interviewing young adults about their childhood show many had experienced sexual assault and other forms of violence, but they did not report it, in part because of a mistrust of social services. He said: “Proper child protection systems must involve children being systematically invited to give their views on such systems.”

Mr Newell said it was important that, while it is usually NGOs that facilitate child participation for government programmes and policy, it should really be governments themselves that are involving children directly.

“It is fine for NGOs to provide demonstration and pilot projects, but in doing so it is important we are not colluding with governments in their failure to fulfil their obligations,” he said.

A change in attitudes requries long-term campaigning. Mr Newell also mentioned how some church and faith groups were embracing an approach against violence, while evidence of abuse in such institutions is becoming more publicly acknowledged.

He said he felt conspiracy laws should be used against those groups that attempt to cover up evidence of sexual exploitation and other forms of violence towards children.

During the discussion following the presentations, a delegate asked if there had been any positive examples of the international dissemination of the guidelines. Ms Samokhina spoke of plans to organise events on the guidelines, inviting international representatives from a range of countries and organisations.

Mr Krappmann said it is “such a hard job” to eradicate violence against children, and that it is “not just the job of European States, but of all States.”

Ms Santos Pais noted that international cooperation was also essential in respect of the migration of children.

About the guidelines

In line with the recommendations of the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child and of the United Nations Secretary-General’s Study on Violence against Children, these guidelines were developed to promote the development and implementation of a holistic national framework to safeguard the rights of the child and to eradicate violence against children.

The guidelines are based on eight general principles (protection against violence, the right to life and maximum survival and development, non-discrimination, gender equality, child participation, a state’s obligations, other actors’ obligations and participation, best interests of the child) and four operative principles (multidimensional nature of violence, integrated approach, cross- sectoral co-operation, multi stakeholder approach). These have been mainstreamed throughout, including into sections on integrated national, regional and local action; education and awareness-raising measures; legal, policy and institutional frameworks; research and data collection.

Further information

For more information, contact:
Council of Europe
Building a Europe for and with children, DG III- Social Cohesion / Council of Europe, B Building – Office B137, F – 67075 Strasbourg Cedex
Tel: +33 3 88 41 22 62; Fax: +33 3 90 21 52 85
Email: children@coe.int
Website: www.coe.int/children

Visit: http://www.crin.org/resources/infoDetail.asp?ID=22119

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NGO statements

OMCT: Violence against children in detention

ECPAT : Children’s right to protection from sexual violence

Defence for Children International: Statement on Prosecution of children in military courts

Women’s World Summit Foundation: Statement on violence against children

Further information

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COUNCIL OF EUROPE: Call for papers on ending sexual violence
[news]

This call for papers is addressed to legal, health, social, research and education professionals wishing to contribute to a Council of Europe study on sexual violence against children. The study will serve as a background for the Council of Europe awareness raising campaign to stop sexual violence against children.

The Council of Europe campaign

The Council of Europe Strategy on the Rights of the Child (2009-2011) has amongst its major focuses that of eradicating all forms of violence against children. In particular, it calls for launching comprehensive awareness-raising actions to prevent and combat sexual exploitation and sexual abuse of children.

In response to this mandate, in autumn 2010, the Council of Europe will launch a pan-European campaign to stop sexual violence against children. The campaign’s overall objective will be to raise European societies’ awareness of the full extent of sexual violence against children and to equip them with knowledge and tools to prevent it. The campaign will address the various forms of sexual violence including child pornography, child prostitution, online grooming, child sex tourism and child sexual abuse.

The future study

Given the complexity and sensitivity of the issue at stake, the Council of Europe wishes to prepare a study to inform and guide the campaign. The study should cover inter alia the following dimensions:

  • Overview of the extent of sexual violence (sexual exploitation and sexual abuse) in Europe;
  • Overview of the legal framework (global and European) to combat sexual violence against children;
  • Sexual violence reporting and referral mechanisms;
  • Rehabilitation services for child victims of sexual violence;
  • The range of services available for children exhibiting sexually harmful behaviour;
  • Training of professionals to identify and report sexual violence;
  • Internet dimensions of sexual violence against children;
  • Support services for potential and actual adult perpetrators of sexual violence;
  • Data collection on violence against children;Communication and awareness raising campaigns against sexual violence in Council of Europe member States.
  • Sexual education and prevention of sexual violence

The proposed length for research articles addressing one of the aforementioned issues should be no more than 8,000 words (about 15 to 16 A4 pages, normal spacing) and should be submitted in one of the official languages of the Council of Europe, i.e. English or French.

Following the selection procedure, a limited number of experts will be invited to work with the Council of Europe on a contractual basis, during the period between April and June 2010.

Building a network of professionals

The experts who will contact us will be also invited to express their interest in cooperating with the Council of Europe in the various projects and activities to be launched during the campaign, the objective being to build a network of professionals wishing to bring their expertise and the results of their work to a community of practice at European level.

How to contact us

Please fill the document enclosed and send it, accompanied by your CV to Ms Marie-Francoise GLATZ (marie-francoise.glatz@coe.int) by 31 March 2010 at the latest.

For more information, contact:
Council of Europe
Building a Europe for and with children
DG III- Social Cohesion / Council of Europe
B Building – Office B137
F – 67075 Strasbourg Cedex, France
Tel: +33 3 88 41 22 62; Fax: +33 3 90 21 52 85
Email: children@coe.int
Website: www.coe.int/children

Visit: http://www.crin.org/resources/infoDetail.asp?ID=22165

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Further information

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+GENUINE EMPATHY AND COMPASSION: THE ROLE OF ATTACHMENT AND ‘EFFORTFUL CONTROL’

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“…effortful control has been related to higher levels of emotion regulation, sympathy and prosocial behavior, internalized conscience, committed compliance, and social competence.”

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My thinking never wanders very far away from wondering about how some people react to other people in their lives.  Being somewhat aware of the trauma, drama, stress, distress and duress my daughter is in the middle of right now with her premature newborn, Connor, in neonatal intensive care where she still cannot even HOLD him, kept me from being able to sleep well last night.  As a result, I came into the kitchen for my first morning cup of coffee today with far more questions in my thoughts than I had answers for.

Always when I discover that someone I care about and who is (or has been) an important figure in my life acts (or did act) in ways that are beyond my ability to comprehend I have to wonder what happened ‘way back then’ in their lives that supports and in-forms how they act in their life.

Specifically this morning I was wondering about true and genuine empathy and compassion.  I think again about Dr. Dacher Keltner’s writings even about the difference between a phony smile and the only true and genuine smile – the D-smile.  A genuine smile cannot be physiologically faked.  It corresponds to actual and very real operations within a person’s body and brain that occur in one way and in one way only.

Although we do not pause every time we see a person smile and consciously analyze whether their smile is fake or genuine, this extremely fast (in the fraction of a millisecond range) response is immediately analyzed by us within our own social-emotional body-brain response system so that we KNOW without question – automatically and correctly – how fake or genuine anyone’s smile is as we see it.

Yet all the other human behaviors that are physiologically linked into the same body-brain vagus nerve and autonomic nervous system responses most often are not as clear to us.  A smile, as a single, simple human emotional-social response, is just one of many, many human responses that happen through these same response systems.

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I am thinking about my daughter’s heart wrenching sobs that consumed her last night in her grief of not being able to hold her newborn.  As hard as it is for her, this grief is a welcome, most appropriate and necessary response.  If she felt detached and blithe about the absence of her tiny infant from her arms, that baby would be in big, deep trouble.

Yet even in thinking about my daughter right now, I also think about the response of others surrounding her in her life.  Watching the near pandemonium that has resulted from the unanticipated too-early birth of this baby, I can see the difference between what is a natural unfolding drama, and what is happening with others in her life that reeks of trauma drama.

How can we tell the difference?

When do we see overlapping dramas unfolding around us?

My guess is that as we learn to discern the difference between genuine responses to another’s distress from ‘fake’ ones we can at the same time let ourselves know that we are watching the effects of past unresolved traumas operating.  The problem is, if the traumas happened early in a person’s development, particularly in the first year or two of life, the responses that we may be victim to or witness of are not under the conscious control of those displaying them.  The behaviors are automatic and completely tied into the physiological construction of the body brain of the ‘actor’.

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Just as we can actually say that a fake smile is NOT a smile – because the only true smile is a genuine D-smile, we can also say that any and all displays connected in their origins to our vagus nerve and autonomic nervous system as they, in turn, connect to our brain result in EITHER a genuine and real display of empathy and compassion, or they result in FAKE empathic and compassionate actions that are not the real thing.

How can this be possible?

I suspect that people can ACT in ways that mimic empathy and compassion in the same way we can mimic a smile.  People can DO things that appear to be generous and considerate, can appear to happen with another person’s interest (rather than self interest) in mind — but in fact, when we analyze the entire picture of the presence or absence of trauma drama in the expression, we can see and know the difference.

Most simply, I can think about how my mother laundered clothes, prepared meals, taught table manners, or accomplished any of the so-called mothering duties that she knew how to perform – and did for her family.  And yet I cannot ever assume that she performed these actions with genuine, empathic, compassionate concern for the well-being of her family.

I do not believe my mother had the physiological body-brain capacity to experience empathy or compassion (in part as shown by her inability to experience true embarrassment or to ever admit she was wrong).

True, real and genuine consideration and caring for other people happens, in my thinking, when people can access the calm, connecting operations of their nervous system and brain.  Some peoples survival and stress response are active ALL of the time.  Everything they do, every action they perform, ALL OF THEIR CONCERN is really about their own survival in the world.  They are constantly assessing the degree of danger and threat their SELF might be in.  Everything they do and say includes on some level (rarely conscious) a consideration of their own – NOT THE OTHERS – degree of well-being.

These people’s inner resources are depleted to the extent that they cannot ever genuinely be concerned for another person’s welfare.  True, they can TRY to do good, feel good, be good – but trying to do and actually doing are not the same thing.  This all becomes most obvious under circumstances when another person is in great need, such as my daughter is right now.

When other people around her go through the motions of caring about her, and even as they try to help, the relative position of the helper’s self to the ‘helpee’ can be seen.  When on any level the helper needs to be congratulated, appreciated and/or recognized for their ‘good deeds’ or ‘good intentions’, suspect that early developmental traumas interfered with the development of the helper’s ability to experience true empathy or compassion.

What is really happening is that the helper-giver feels continually depleted and thus continually needs replenishment from outside of their own self – from others – even the needy one they are trying to offer something good to.  Sometimes the neediness of the helper-giver will show up as passive-aggressive pleas for attention and recognition.  Sometimes it will show us as sarcasm, irritability, even sabotage within the giving situation.

Sometimes it happens that the person who needs assistance simply finds no response helpful forthcoming from those they might expect to help them, or even rely and depend on to help them (as with inadequate parenting of children).

According to attachment experts, when a person has an insecure attachment and their attachment needs are thus never adequately or completely met, this person’s caregiving system will never be able to be activated appropriately, either.  In cases of so-called earned secure attachment, or what I call ‘borrowed attachment’, it is possible that the caregiver’s insecure attachment system (that is never actually deactivated) CAN still caregive.

But at the same time their are inner costs to be paid by both giver and receiver when this pattern exists.  Most simply put, at least within these altered patterns of caregiving past unresolved trauma, and their corresponding trauma dramas are not at front and center.  They simply hang around in the wings exerting less of an influence on ongoing relationships — but they are not absent completely.  As a result, these caregiving patterns can be very precarious, fragile and vulnerable to easy upset should the right conditions show up in the present that threaten these kinds of secure attachment relationships (such as I had and have with my children).

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It is completely natural that we hope for, desire, want and at times truly NEED a caregiving response from other people in our lives.  But we need to pay attention to what our gut tells us.  We can tell the difference between giving presented by securely attached versus insecurely attached people in our lives – as surely as we can all, REALLY, tell the difference between a fake and a genuine smile.

When people deprive us of care we need, such as abusive and neglectful parents do to their dependent offspring, these patterns of inadequate caregiving are obvious.  But as adults, these patterns can be far more difficult to detect because of both the subtleties and the complexities of the relationships with have with others.

Any time we sense something negative within our own self tied to any kind of assistance we receive from another, we need to trust this sense.  It is real.  As we become more clear and conscious about how we feel in relationship to how others act toward us, we can become more clear about how UNCONSCIOUS those other people probably are about their own intentions and actions.

Most often we are unaware of how it feels within our own self to have our attachment system activated.  At those times WE NEED from others.  At those times our own caregiving system is either off completely or on idle.  When we are in a state of need ourselves, it can be extremely difficult to give to others.  Yet most of the time we can be completely unaware of how all these related caregiving versus personal need transactions are happening.

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Because our emotional-social brain, and all the nervous system connections within our body, were formed during our earliest stages of development, we are most often not going to have the ability to notice how we are responding to those around us.  These early developments within our body-brain were (and are) designed to operate automatically.  We have to choose to become in-formed about how they take over our lives – including our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

I am going to introduce a simple concept here today (click on the title of the article or go to this blog’s page +Effortful Control for the full manuscript) that is really taking a look at how and where the ability to experience true and genuine empathy and compassion for another person originates.  This glimpse, however, as you will see as you take a look at the following notes from the article, is taking place ‘down the road’ from the earliest brain-nervous system development that takes place from conception to age (about) of six months to a year of age.

Already by the age of toddlerhood the fundamental experience of being a self with emotions has already been built into the body-brain.  What this article is explaining is how outward behavior can already be changed from optimal due to ineffectual and inadequate early attachment patterns with early caregivers, particularly with the mother.  This has to do with our progressed abilities that are built upon the ability to recognize and regulate emotions, an ability (or not) that is built into the earliest forming right limbic emotional-social brain and that affects our abilities to interact with our own self and with others for the rest of our life.

Notes from taken from the article:

Relations of Maternal Socialization and Toddlers’ Effortful Control to Children’s Adjustment and Social Competence

Effortful Control

Some researchers have conceptualized emotion regulation in terms of children’s effortful or voluntary control as opposed to more reactive forms of control

Effortful control has been defined as “the efficiency of executive attention, including the ability to inhibit a dominant response and/or to activate a subdominant response, to plan, and to detect errors”

Effortful control is characterized by the ability to voluntarily focus and shift attention and to voluntarily inhibit or initiate behaviors, and includes behaviors such as delaying; these processes are integral to emotion regulation

For example, effortful attentional processes can be used to regulate emotions, such as turning away from something distressing

Empirical work has shown that orienting behaviors serve a regulatory function during an anger inducing task in infancy

In comparison to emotion regulation, the construct of effortful control is viewed as a broader construct that includes an array of skills that can be used to manage emotion and its expression

Whereas effortful control is seen as reflecting voluntary behavior, reactive control refers to aspects of functioning such as impulsivity and behavioral inhibition

Reactive control refers to behavior in which individuals are undercontrolled and are “pulled” toward rewarding situations (i.e., impulsivity) or behavior in which individuals are overcontrolled and are wary in response to novelty, inflexible, and overconstrained (i.e., behavioral inhibition).

Reactive control is not considered to be part of self-regulation, and reactive undercontrol and effortful control are generally negatively related

Reactive processes seem to originate primarily in subcorticol systems, whereas executive attention, the basis of effortful control, is believed to be situated primarily in the cortex (e.g., the anterior cingulated, lateral ventral, and prefrontal cortex

effortful control is thought to emerge in late infancy and to develop rapidly during the toddler years.

Improvements in inhibitory control are exhibited between 6 and 12 months of age, and it is believed that more mature effortful control is partially evident by 18 months of age and continues to improve greatly from 22 to 36 months of age

Moreover, individual differences in toddlers’ effortful control are relatively stable in the early years and from early childhood to adolescence and adulthood

On the other hand, reactive control likely develops earlier than effortful control and may be intimately related to emotional reactions, such as fear, seen in infancy

The Relations of Effortful Control to Children’s Social Functioning

– attentional regulation (one component of effortful control)

– inhibitory control (another component of effortful control).

– internalizing problems in toddlers (separation distress)

– reactive overcontrol (inhibition to novelty).

– separation distress probably involves the inability to control negative emotions such as anxiety or sadness/depression

Children who are able to control their attention and behavior are expected to manage their emotions, plan their behavior, and develop and utilize skills needed to get along with others and to engage in socially appropriate behavior.

Indeed, effortful control has been related to higher levels of emotion regulation, sympathy and prosocial behavior, internalized conscience, committed compliance, and social competence.

The Relations of Maternal Emotion-Related Socialization to Children’s Effortful Control and Social Functioning

Although children’s effortful control reflects constitutionally based individual differences in temperament, the environment also plays a role in the development of these characteristics maternal sensitivity has been linked with infants’ and young children’s self-regulation and a reduction in negative emotion.

In toddlerhood, children with more responsive mothers have been found to display higher effortful control maternal warmth/support observed in the early years has predicted children’s ability to shift attention at 3.5 years of age, and parental warmth has been linked to children’s appropriate affect expression and regulation of positive affect.

The main goal of the current study was to examine whether toddlers’ effortful control mediates the relation between mothers’ supportive socialization strategies and four constructs reflecting the quality of toddlers’ socioemotional functioning (i.e., separation distress, inhibition to novelty, externalizing, and social competence).

In summary, in this study, we examined the relations of maternal supportive parenting to toddlers’ effortful control and social functioning at 18 months of age and 1 year later.  We began the study when children were quite young because effortful control is thought to make significant improvements in the 2nd year of life, and toddlers’ problem behaviors have been found to predict maladjustment years later.

We chose to measure children’s internalizing and externalizing problem behaviors because these problems often reflect children’s deficiencies in controlling emotions and behavior.   In addition, children’s effortful control likely facilitates social competence. Finally, we used multiple reporters and included observational measures of toddlers’ effortful control and maternal supportive parenting.

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As we begin to pay closer attention both to how we interact with others during times of needs, and to how they interact with us (and in our thinking about how our abusive early caregivers interacted with us), we can begin to see that when trauma built the body-brain, effortful control has been affected.  As difficult as it might be to accept, this means to me that perhaps most behavior that harms others IS NOT INTENTIONALLY designed to harm another person.

This is NOT to say that ‘reactive control’ behaviors are not harmful.  What I am seeking to better understand is how these behaviors can happen AT ALL, particularly when they occur in situations where a person is vulnerable (including infant-childhood).  All the above information relates to later, adult stage enactments of trauma dramas.

When true consideration for another person’s feelings and needs cannot overcome a trauma-built person’s OWN feelings and needs, true empathy and compassion cannot exist.  All attachment disorders include some component of this fact.  As a consequence, everyone with an insecure attachment pattern, built into their body-brain through less than optimal early caregiver interactions, suffers from an empathy disorder.

That certainly includes me and many people that I know.

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CHILD’S BOOK ON COMPASSION:

Tenzin’s Deer by Barbara Soros and Danuta Mayer

More Children’s Books about Compassionate Action

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+SOME MORE INFO ON MUSIC, VOICE AND THE BRAIN

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In light of the posts I have written about the changes in right brain development that can happen to abused and traumatized infants, and in light of my postings about the harm caused by verbal abuse and the corresponding healing that can happen through music, I want to highlight the link my sister sent me earlier today.

This comes from the following blog, hosted and tended by an Irish gentleman named Kevin Mitchell.  He states this about his blog:

Wiring the Brain

This blog will highlight and comment on current research and hypotheses relating to how the brain wires itself up during development, how the end result can vary in different people and what happens when it goes wrong. It will include discussions of the genetic and neurodevelopmental bases of traits such as intelligence and personality characteristics, as well as of conditions such as schizophrenia, autism, dyslexia, epilepsy, synaesthesia and others.

The specific article my sister referred me to is today’s post on this blog entitled, Wired for Music.  It’s a wonderful post that presents the human being’s ability to recognize patterns of music in the right brain that corresponds to the area we use from before birth to recognize prosody, or ‘the music of speech.”

When very young infants and children are exposed to verbal abuse and nasty, traumatizing alterations in the sound of the human voice, this section of the brain is affected.

Kevin Mitchell writes:

Music has a bizarre power to engage and affect us – to move us emotionally or literally, whether it’s foot-tapping, finger-drumming or booty-shaking.  It seems to have properties that make it automatically and powerfully salient for human beings.  An obvious question is whether this reflects some innate properties of the human brain or whether it emerges over time due to experience with types of music.  Put another way, does the brain shape the music or the other way around?  Does music show particular structures because those are inherently salient and pleasant to humans or is this reaction caused by the brain’s tendency to specialise in processing stimuli that occur with some statistical regularity in its environment?”

Please click here to read this complete post, which includes this wonderful photograph guaranteed to make you smile:

There are plenty of interesting and informative articles in his posts for his blog – please take a look – and enjoy!

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I also want to mention that my first grandchild, little boy Connor, was born yesterday at 5:22 in the morning.  He is currently in neonatal intensive care as he is premature.  He weighed 5 pounds, 13 ounces and was 19 ½ inches long, so he’s well on his way!  He just needs a little more time and some very specialized care to grow a little bit bigger and stronger so he can join his loving family at his own home!

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+NOTHING SIMPLE ABOUT THE TOPIC OF ‘PRIDE’

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How necessary is the “Who is proud of whom for what?” game?

I feel strange.  I am face-to-face with some part of my self that can do things some other parts of my self know nothing about.  I was going to back for a few minutes today and write about something I introduced the other day when I mentioned feeling proud for our children (an for our self?).

From the blog post:  Pride in the successes, achievements and accomplishments of one’s child is just another emotion and state of being that abusive parents are deprived of.  The children of these parents are then deprived of having parents who truly appreciate them for the wonderful people that they are.

I was going to return to one of the chapters I skipped in Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life.  He included a chapter on ‘awe’ that I wanted to read this morning because I suspected that the ability to feel awe, an experience connected to the feel good-be good happiness, compassion and connection arm of our vagus nerve system is involved in the experience of pride as well as of awe.

Problem is for me at this moment, I cannot find his book anywhere in my house.  True, I was having problems sorting out what I could believe, accept and understand in Keltner’s writing from what I suspected was grounded in arrogance and bias, but how did I manage to vanquish this book from my sight at the same time I have no memory of doing so?

I have many books on trauma on my book shelves.  Keltner’s book is not among them.  I have searched through every pile of papers, on every table top, every book shelf, in short I have looked everywhere in my house where I could have possibly placed that book once I was done reading it, and the book is nowhere to be found.  I can’t believe I would have either trashed or donated the book without having some memory trace of having done so.  Evidently I really DIDN’T like that book!  Hum…….

So I guess I will have to wing the writing of this post about pride and the vagus nerve as I figure out what I know on my insides about this experience.  Meanwhile, this me of today is very curious about where Keltner’s book is eventually going to make its reappearance in my life!  It HAS to be here some place, but I sure have managed to hide it from myself.

This experience of missing this book makes me wonder how much can we and do we manage to hide from our own self in our life, not even realizing that we are doing so?  I have to wonder at this moment.  How much do we put away, disguise, place ‘out of sight, out of mind’ in our life because our ability to tolerate has diminished something to the point we simply cannot or will not deal with it any more?  (Was I THAT sick of Keltner?)

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So at this point, as I continue down the pathway of “What is pride?” on my forensic autobiographical journey, I call not Keltner as my first witness, but my dear sister, Cindy.  When we spoke about the topic on the telephone last night, she mentioned that from the Christian training she had in her young adult lives, she knows that the word and concept of RESPECT is directly tied in its roots to AWE.

She also affirmed that never once to her knowledge was my mother ever proud of me.  Also, in her memory, she knows of only one single instance where she knew absolutely that our mother was proud of her.  That happened when my sister trained our family’s dog for an obedience dog show and they won first place.  Mother didn’t SAY anything to Cindy, but Cindy knew mother was proud of her.

One of my own questions about pride enters my thoughts right now, though I’ll wait for a moment to consider it.  I find myself wondering, “Is the feeling of being proud of another person tied more to conditional love than it is to unconditional love?  Is there a difference between the experience of feeling proud – really for the other or for one’s own self – based on a conditional valuing based on what a person DOES rather than on who a person IS irregardless of what they actually DO?”

But, first, to finish the thoughts from last night’s conversation with my sister, I have to mention that she told me that in all her 56 years, it has been her observation that the topic of pride is a VERY SENSITIVE ONE to many if not most people.  She believe that all of these people suffer their entire lives from a wound that means they continually ACT in ways that they WANT to create a demonstration of pride for them from their parents.

The saddest part of this is that this lack of feeling ‘proud for’ existed in their earliest years and continues to be a part of adults’ feeling reality for their entire lives – and is rarely if ever fulfilled so that the DESIRE is gone.  As a consequence, people then feel empty in a place that is never filled.  It sounds to me like there’s a wound that never heals about this, a hole that’s always there, a continually unmet attachment need that then affects how a person IS in their body, in relationship with their own self and with others, for their entire life time.

My sister understands for herself that the root of ‘awe’ that is a part of ‘respect’ means that when we hear someone say to us, “That is awesome,” we are really receiving from that person a fundamental recognition of our worthiness based on fundamental respect.  My sister believes that once we lose respect for another person, our relationship with them changes – often instantaneously – forever.  Evidently being able to have respect for another person is somehow directly tied to our ability to feel pride for them.

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If this is true, I have some searching to do in order that I can understand with clarity within my own self how this respect-awe-pride pathway might actually work.  Even though I cannot locate Keltner’s book anywhere in my house, I know he connected ‘awe’ to the healthy operation of the vagus nerve system just as he did embarrassment, genuine D-miles and compassion – or he would not have included a chapter on ‘awe’ in his book.

I already know that something was wrong with the operation of my mother’s feel good-be good vagus nerve system branch.  I can understand that her stress response was “ON” all of the time.  As a result, her “STOP” arm of her vagus nerve system and of her autonomic nervous system (ANS) could never be activated toward true peaceful calmness and connection to others.  She was not safely and securely attached to her own self or to anyone else.

Now I can add her lack of ability to feel pride for me, and just barely for any of her other children, to the list of ‘symptoms’ of her infant-childhood changed growth and development from trauma, abuse and neglect.

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From this point forward in today’s writing I have to make it clear that I think the way I do in a particular way that gives me a bias on the topic that most people do not have – either most fortunately or most unfortunately.  I evidently have some strange immunity regarding the subject of whether other people feel proud of me or not that came from my mother’s abuse of me.

I have written in previous posts that my mother’s demise that led her development down a pathway where she was incapable of experiencing either well-being for her own self or in connection to anyone else happened (I suspect) because of the very traumatic experiences she had with her earliest caregivers as they gave her so-called love that was insanely and unreasonably conditional.  She grew up believing that her personal ‘badness’ caused her caregivers to hate her.  If she could only be ‘good enough’ she could bask in the warmth of their love.

Hers was an environment of terrible and terrifying betrayal.  This betrayal broke her.  I had the benefit of having never been betrayed.  I knew she hated me from the first breath I took.  My mother did not vacillate.  She did not wander away from her first stated course of action toward me from the time I was born.  My mother never swerved off of her course.  In her mind, I was not human.  I was the devil’s child, bad beyond possibility of redemption.

I was never tricked into believing in any way, ever, that there was anything I could do NOT to be hated and abused.  I was never fooled into believing that if I could be ‘good enough’ that she would love me.  I was never given false hope either than I was loveable or that my parents could possibly love me.

True, I am painting a grim picture almost beyond belief.  I can see this even though I know that the picture I am painting was absolutely real.  At the same time I am saying that the absolute devastation of my infant-childhood gave me at the same time the possibility of surviving it as I grew into the person I am now.

I will give you this bizarre yet accurate image:  If we could imagine an infant being born into a world where no air was ever available either that infant would die or it would find a way to endure in spite of the absence of air.  If this is the reality this infant faced, and it did manage to adapt and survive anyway, the concept of ‘air’ and the experience of needing it or of being dependent upon its presence would simply never exist.

Of course we know no human can live without air.  But if we substitute love for air in this image, I can assure you humans can manage to endure without it.  I basically did.  What little bit of love-air I found came from my 14-month-older brother, and very occasionally from contact with my grandmother and father.  Eventually I became an absolute professional at being able to endure and survive on such a pitifully inadequate supply of love-air that it’s almost beyond belief.  But because it was love that I was deprived of rather than of air, my body kept on enduring and growing through its developmental stages because it could adapt to these devastating conditions.

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As a consequence, I cannot conceive of the world the way my sister seems to, or in the way that evidently MOST people do.  I have no ability to imagine ever wanting or desiring my mother or father to feel proud of me.  It is not possible for me to do so.  Therefore, I cannot probably empathize with all the other people who ‘have issues’ concerning their need or desire for this ‘feeling proud’ of them by their parents – or anyone else.

On some levels, having just realized this about my self is very scary.  Yet at the same time the benefit of the pattern of abuse I received seems obvious to me.  Nothing my mother did or did not do to me altered my ability to feel proud of or for my own children.

That’s pretty darn amazing!  I could call this miracle, but I understand that in no possible way are my abilities, as they are so different from my mother’s, a miracle.  My abilities, as are everyone’s, lie within me because they are physiologically possible.  My mother lacked these abilities because they were physiologically impossible for her.

My body-brain-mind-self development did not ever include the possibility of my mother loving me, or with the possibility she could be correspondingly proud of me.  Impossible is exactly just that – impossible.  Only when the POSSIBILITY exists of something happening do we ever wish for it, desire it, hope for it, anticipate it, or expect it.    I knew from the moment I was born there was no possibility my mother loved me, conditionally or unconditionally.  Her love for me or her lack of it was never an issue.  Things were simply the way that they were and that was that.

In other words, the issue of ‘sometimes’ or of ‘some of the time’ didn’t exist for me.  Ever.  My mother did not play the tug-o-war, and I mean WAR, game with me of ‘sometimes I will love you’ or of ‘some of the time I love you’ or of ‘I would and could love you if only……”  She just fundamentally hated me.  How strange, and looking at this from this present moment, how freeing for me this ACTUALLY was.

I did not learn how to conditionally love.  I did not learn how to conditionally BE loved.  At the same time, though I don’t call it a miracle, I will say the blessing of this whole pattern in combination with my own particular makeup as a person was this:  I came out of my infant-childhood completely free to love, and I DO.  How cool is that?  Cool, I would say, beyond words or measure!

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Physiologically, even though I suffer from trauma and abuse in-built anxiety problems of many kinds, my vagus nerve system as it connects with my STOP and GO autonomic nervous system remained able to operate so that I am free to feel a range of emotion that includes the feel good-be good emotions and their corresponding range of options for actions.  My problem lies in that RECEIVING love and affection in all its forms is difficult if not impossible for me to FEEL.  But I CAN feel these feelings for others, and if I had to make a choice, this is the better one.  It means I can offer to others what I never had myself.

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I want to go back for a moment here to the ideas contained in the words ‘respect’, ‘awe’ and ‘pride’ and to very real human experience of and with them.  I suspect that my sister’s thoughts on the root of ‘respect’ might be tied to the Bible’s Hebrew translation into English text rather than to the roots in English of the word itself.  I turn to Webster’s:

RESPECT

Etymology: Middle English, from Latin respectus, literally, act of looking back, from respicere to look back, regard, from re- + specere to look — more at spy

Date: 14th century

1 : a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation <remarks having respect to an earlier plan>
2 : an act of giving particular attention : consideration
3 a : high or special regard : esteem b : the quality or state of being esteemed c plural : expressions of respect or deference <paid our respects>

This description doesn’t go back far enough in its origins for my liking (14th century).  I’ll follow ‘respect’ back to ‘spy’:

SPY

Etymology: Middle English spien, from Anglo-French espier, of Germanic origin; akin to Old High German spehōn to spy; akin to Latin specere to look, look at, Greek skeptesthai & skopein to watch, look at, consider

Date: 13th century

transitive verb 1 : to watch secretly usually for hostile purposes
2 : to catch sight of : see
3 : to search or look for intensively —usually used with out <spy out places fit for vending…goods — S. E. Morison>intransitive verb 1 : to observe or search for something : look
2 : to watch secretly as a spy

This goes back further, to the 13th century, but this still isn’t far enough for my liking.  I want to find the connections as far back as the dictionary will track them (before the 12th century) because only then to I feel at rest knowing I am getting at a root image and concept.  I find that both the word ‘look’ and ‘see’ originated in the English language before the 12th century:

LOOK

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English lōcian; akin to Old Saxon lōcōn to look

Date: before 12th century

SEE

Etymology: Middle English seen, from Old English sēon; akin to Old High German sehan to see and perhaps to Latin sequi to follow — more at sue

Date: before 12th century

Under ‘see’ I can follow ‘sue’.  I find we are now moving forward in time to the 14th century and away from older images in the word, except any reference in word origins to Sanskrit always intrigues me:

SUE

Etymology: Middle English sewen, siuen to follow, strive for, petition, from Anglo-French sivre, siure, from Vulgar Latin *sequere, from Latin sequi to follow; akin to Greek hepesthai to follow, Sanskrit sacate he accompanies

Date: 14th century

The word ‘accompany’ connects to ‘companion’:

COMPANION

Etymology: Middle English compainoun, from Anglo-French cumpaing, cumpaignun, from Late Latin companion-, companio, from Latin com- + panis bread, food — more at food

Date: 13th century

And here I find what makes me happy – a reference to a fundamental image – FOOD!  The necessity for, the procurement, provision, consumption and sharing of this basic element of FOOD is connected to safe and secure attachment in and to the world:

FOOD

Etymology: Middle English fode, from Old English fōda; akin to Old High German fuotar food, fodder, Latin panis bread, pascere to feed

Date: before 12th century

++++

OK, so I don’t see ‘awe’ in this family of word connections in relationship to ‘respect’.  What do I find if I specifically follow the meanings and origins of this word, ‘awe’?  This is interesting, and not what I would have expected (someday if I find Keltner’s book it will be interesting to see how he defines ‘awe’.):

AWE

Etymology: Middle English, from Old Norse agi; akin to Old English ege awe, Greek achos pain

Date: 13th century

1 : an emotion variously combining dread, veneration, and wonder that is inspired by authority or by the sacred or sublime <stood in awe of the king> <regard nature’s wonders with awe>
2 archaic a : dread, terror b : the power to inspire dread

Uh-oh!  Follow that link to pain and find reference to ‘punishment’ and ‘grief’.  So, what about the word ‘pride’ itself?  Can this idea, with roots in our language before the 12th century, be in any way connected to a sense of amazement and awe at and for another person?  The concepts of ‘pride’ and ‘proud’ are fully RELATIONSHIP oriented, contextual ideas that involve social judgment:

PRIDE

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English prȳde, from prūd proud — more at proud

Date: before 12th century

1 : the quality or state of being proud: as a : inordinate self-esteem : conceit b : a reasonable or justifiable self-respect c : delight or elation arising from some act, possession, or relationship <parental pride>
2 : proud or disdainful behavior or treatment : disdain
3 a : ostentatious display b : highest pitch : prime
4 : a source of pride : the best in a group or class
5 : a company of lions
6 : a showy or impressive group <a pride of dancers>

PROUD

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English prūd, probably from Old French prod, prud, prou advantageous, just, wise, bold, from Late Latin prode advantage, advantageous, back-formation from Latin prodesse to be advantageous, from pro-, prod- for, in favor + esse to be — more at pro-, is

Date: before 12th century

1 : feeling or showing pride: as a : having or displaying excessive self-esteem b : much pleased : exultant c : having proper self-respect
2 a : marked by stateliness : magnificent b : giving reason for pride : glorious <the proudest moment in her life>
3 : vigorous, spirited <a proud steed>

Pause for a moment and take a look at the social judgment loading and weight related to this concept.  Look at the synonyms and try to imagine how it is possible that beginning from the time of our birth, as social beings in social interactions beginning with our earliest caregivers, we might move through our childhood and into our adulthood REALLY being able to both understand these concepts let alone being able to negotiate the billions of ways human interactions involve them:

synonyms proud, arrogant, haughty, lordly, insolent, overbearing, supercilious, disdainful mean showing scorn for inferiors. proud may suggest an assumed superiority or loftiness <too proud to take charity>. arrogant implies a claiming for oneself of more consideration or importance than is warranted <a conceited and arrogant executive>. haughty suggests a consciousness of superior birth or position <a haughty aristocrat>. lordly implies pomposity or an arrogant display of power <a lordly condescension>. insolent implies contemptuous haughtiness <ignored by an insolent waiter>. overbearing suggests a tyrannical manner or an intolerable insolence <an overbearing supervisor>. supercilious implies a cool, patronizing haughtiness <an aloof and supercilious manner>. disdainful suggests a more active and openly scornful superciliousness <disdainful of their social inferiors>.

++++

We have to consider the cultural environment that creates the social context of our human interactions – including the religious underpinnings of our culture.  These look to me to be anything but serene, calm, peaceful, safe and secure waters to negotiate!!  How can a very young child, moving through its age 4-6 stage of developing a workable Theory of Mind, even begin to comprehend what’s what socially?

My guess is that for anyone who has a reason to think about the idea of feeling proud for self or others, or of having others feel proud of them, would benefit from taking some time to explore in the real world, in real time, and in the language of the REAL words we use to talk and think about the topic, how incredibly complex it is.  We need to understand that when considering the idea of ‘proud’ we are considering what really is a war zone with mine fields of explosively emotionally dangerous, if not devastating, concepts.  This idea, ‘pride’ and feeling ‘proud’ deserves a warning:  DANGER ZONE!  HIGH RISK HERE!

++++

While all this might look like a Pandora’s Box, if I look among the above definitions carefully, I find the words that can best assist me in my thinking about the topic.  They are not the bold-typed words; they are the humble ones:  ‘just, wise’, ‘reasonable’, ‘having proper self-respect’.  Even the word ‘bold’ is up there, having to do with our ability to exercise our courage (within the origins of the word ‘proud’).  These, to me, are the important words related to the healing possibilities of how we can learn to think about our concerns related to absence and presence of ‘pride’.

These words are connected to the center point of calm in our vagus nerve and autonomic nervous system as they connect our experience within our body and brain.  They reside in the quiet, in the place of cooperation and acceptance, not of competition and judgment.  These are not frenetic words.  They are not restless or demanding words.  At the same time, we need to realize that at whatever point in the continuum of the pride-proud spectrum we stand as we consider our potential related losses and our gains, it is our ability to reach that center point on the teeter-totter that truly matters.

THAT point is where, I believe, our hope for increased resiliency and well-being lies, not with our worrying about who has what or who gives what to whom.  In the end, once a pride-proud transaction has occurred, what matters is that we feel safe, secure and attached within our own self with and to those we care most about.  This is an experience of acceptance, or peaceful ‘OK-ness’ in the world.  What matters is the love expressed, felt and shared.

++++

When I said the other day that abusive parents are deprived of the feeling of being proud of and for their offspring, which then deprives the offspring of the feeling that their caregiver IS proud of them, what we are talking about is actually degrees of love and of attachment as they connect to our emotional experience negotiated in our body-brain by our vagus nerve and autonomic nervous system.

The presence or absence of the positive transactions related to pride-proud happen physiologically just as the shame reaction does.  Both are about ‘rupture and repair’, rejection and acceptance.  Both of these are STOP and GO interactions that share their existence in the same physiological systems that our rest and stress responses do.  We can pay attention to the emotions (and how they feel to us in the body) as we experience them related to both kinds of experiences.

How our earliest caregivers treated us had HUGE influence on how our physiological body-brain developed, but our body-brain-mind-self BELONGS to us, not to them.  My mother’s hate-full treatment of me did not fill me with hate.  Yes, there are many levels of my being that are connected to my corresponding RAGE from being traumatized by her the way I was, but rage is not the same thing as hate.  But even the word ‘hate’ cannot be dissociated from its fundamental root concept in ‘care’:

HATE

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English hete; akin to Old High German haz hate, Greek kēdos care

Date: before 12th century

1 a : intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury b : extreme dislike or antipathy : loathing <had a great hate of hard work>
2 : an object of hatred <a generation whose finest hate had been big business — F. L. Paxson>

Looking carefully at what it says here I have to think about my mother’s hatred of me, and what her hatred REALLY tells me – not about me, but about her:  “intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury.”

Not even a consideration of the word ‘care’ or of all the actions that are connected to it – including early caregiver interactions that we experienced from infant-childhood (and beyond) is a simple or straightforward one:

CARE

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English caru; akin to Old High German kara lament, Old Irish gairm call, cry, Latin garrire to chatter

Date: before 12th century

1 : suffering of mind : grief
2 a : a disquieted state of mixed uncertainty, apprehension, and responsibility b : a cause for such anxiety
3 a : painstaking or watchful attention b : maintenance <floor-care products>
4 : regard coming from desire or esteem
5 : charge, supervision <under a doctor’s care>
6 : a person or thing that is an object of attention, anxiety, or solicitude

++++

Over and over and over again I will say that if there is any one single simple idea I can help to introduce to people, especially to survivors who have suffered early trauma and abuse, it is the idea of what I call INFORMED COMPASSION, which is a reason-able response.

Being gentle and kind within our own self as we seek to heal and grow DEMANDS AND REQUIRES of us that we learn how to expand this gentle kindness to a consideration of those who harmed and hurt us.  I don’t think we can grow gentle kindness within our own self while at the same time withholding it from the stance we take regarding others – because this stance we take comes from within our own self.

Compassion comes from the same systems in our body that create our stress and calmness responses.  It is an option we can exercise with our conscious intention, will, awareness and reflective abilities.  Informing ourselves by thinking about the words we use to think WITH is a critical part of this healing process.  It’s a part of our continued growth and development.  It’s a part of our continuing to grow up as we ‘grow out’ an expanding circle of understanding how incredibly complex it is to be a human being, let alone to be one WELL, in multiple senses of this word.

When we think in terms of pride and proud, we are really at the threshold of thinking about our truest concern:  Are we accepted or isolated?  Are we together-with or isolated and alone?  Are we approved of?  Are we deemed and proved worthy of being a part of the whole – which has to do with our very survival?  Because if we follow these concepts far enough back in our language that is what we are really talking about:  To be or not to be.  It’s about living or dying, being built up or being destroyed.

Fortunately, I was so busy growing up with my own survival in mind that I didn’t have time to learn to worry if the same woman who was so busy trying to destroy me was at the same time feeling proud of me for avoiding her destruction.  (Or proud of me for any other reason:  She was not a reason-able person.)  Looking at the roots of the word ‘proud’, it is my ability to recognize what is wise and just, along with my ability to be bold in pursuing what I know in my own self to be GOOD that I have, access and use my own power.

Nothing my mother did to me took these abilities away from me.  Her unconditional hatred of me seems to have been better for me that would have been her conditional love.  The trade-off seems to be that I have the ability to love unconditionally, which means I feel proud of and for my children because I CAN.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

+HEALING TRAUMA WITH THE TIME ASSET

+++++++++++++++++

I have a few other thoughts related to my encounters with people-families-children at the Saturday children art festival where I did the spinning demonstration.

One collection of thoughts has to do, again, with small and big people and how humans relate to one another in ‘tearing down’ or ‘building up’ ways.  A young man about 12 years old stopped by my demonstration and immediately showed not only rapt interest but quite a bit of knowledge about spinning, weaving and the fiber arts.  His mother was with him, and in talking with these two I was given a picture I’ll try to relay to you here.

Last year this boy enrolled in a beginning weaving class held by Bisbee’s local Fiber Arts Guild.  He was fascinated, learned quickly, warped his own loom at the Guild studio and made his mother a scarf along with a baby blanket for his newborn cousin.  In the middle of the weekend class schedule his mother became ill.  The Guild was notified, and the boy missed three of the 10 week class sessions.  When he was able to return he found not only that the Guild members had passed off his loom with his next project on it to someone else, but they had not bothered to call and ask or tell him this was being done.  The adults participating in these activities were evidently quite demeaning, rude, disrespectful and hurtful to this child.  They let him know they did not want him around.

I have been given a solid and working handmade table top loom that I told this boy I will bring into town and leave off at his home for him.  I will collect all of the related items I can find here that go with the loom, look for a book or two I might have here at home that can help him, and also see what I have in the way of extra yarn I can give him.  Once I have all of this collected, I will pile it all into my trusty 1978 rather worn El Camino and drop it off at his house.

With all the troubles our nation is having in engaging our youth in their own lives, let alone in the life of their community and nation, it is beyond my comprehension how ANYONE could be rude to any child, period!  Let alone to a child like this boy is who is obviously motivated with passion to learn the fiber arts and is committed to doing so!

++++

The next collection of thoughts I have is related to an 8-year-old boy and his parents who stopped by my demonstration.  This child is obviously brilliant, as are his parents.  His father is a professional musician, a drummer.  His mother is a computer programmer web designer.  The child is fortunately home schooled and very much loved.

From the first instant this child spotted the very simple and basic, actually rudimentary gizmos and gadgets that are used in the process of preparing wool and spinning it, I could see that his brain did not work like an ordinary child’s.  His parents sat most patiently for over two hours on a stone bench in the middle of the Central School hallway while their son explored every avenue not only of the wool preparation process, but most noticeably of the equipment – how it was constructed, how it worked, why it worked.

Not knowing anything by fact here, I can still think that this child’s tool region of this brain is forming major connections.  The child certainly wasn’t intimidated by people.  In fact, he hawked the process from his newly found and claimed station at the drum carder.  He instantly memorized every step of the process when I first told him, and continued to instruct every passerby he could rope in about how this all worked.

At one point I was vaguely aware of him giving his spiel while I sat at my spinning wheel visiting with his parents.  All of a sudden I hear the boy say in a rather loud, commanding voice, “Hey!  What’s wrong over there!  Why aren’t’ you working?”  I had to laugh.  There I sat like a broken machine.  He had educated his audience completely up to the point where they needed to see the final stage in process, and there I was having dropped my end of the bargain.

The boy was not being rude, though certainly his attitude could have been interpreted that way.  This boy, I could tell from watching him, treated human beings exactly as if they had gears and mechanisms and programming that made them tick.  He is a brilliant, absolutely brilliant child, but I would not expect him to ever have an ordinarily developed right social-emotional limbic brain.  His brain is special, as he is.

This brings me to mentioning the Asperger autistic spectrum giant, Temple Grandin.  A made-for-television movie about her life has just been released:  “The HBO movie “Temple Grandin” honors its heroine’s priorities, stressing deeds over tearful setbacks and joyous breakthroughs.”  If you haven’t heard about Grandin and her work before now, please spend a little time checking her out.  In the meantime, I will specifically mention that Grandin has a LOT to say about so-called GEEK children who have brains that are gifts to the world.  This little boy might well fit into the schemata of the children Grandin is talking about.

++++

This brings me to my third thought collection for today which is related to yesterday’s post, +SO MANY NEEDY PEOPLE IN DENIAL OF THEIR NEEDINESS.  Due to the insane and terrible abuse I suffered during my childhood from birth, complete with extended manipulation of any opportunities I might have had from tiny on to interact with people, my right limbic emotional-social brain did not have the chance to build itself in an ordinary fashion (as this blog’s readers have heard me write about repeatedly).

As a part of the spectrum of consequences to the adaptive brain changes my body made, I do not read, understand, process, or respond to the emotional-social signals other people send out easily or well.  In some ways, I am realizing that I have a rather unique ability to not automatically buy into the send-receive-respond social signal-cue communications cycles that people with ordinarily built early brains (through safe and secure early caregiver attachment exchanges) are designed for.  I can notice, attend to and translate actions that ordinary-brained people probably miss — because they CAN.

(Similarly, I suspect, to how the 8-year-old boy’s brain gains and processes information about machines that few other brains would, or can, notice.  Temple Grandin’s brain gets this altered information about animals.  These are abilities that do not come primarily from choice.  They reflect in manifestation different body-brain constructions — changed in part or wholly by combinations of genetics interacting with the environment.  Our abilities give us resources that more ordinarily-brained people probably do not have.  These differences and changes are part of what makes us exceptional and extra-ordinary people.)

Lest any of my readers suspect that I am exaggerating the differences I experience in my emotional-social interactional abilities with people, let me again mention that these transactions normally occur in the hundredths of a millisecond response signaling range.  They are happening physiologically about at the speed of light, or however quickly electrical signals are sent and received between neurons and other bodily cells.

These extremely fast, and supposed-to-be automatic electrical signals are operating according to how a person’s body-brain was constructed primarily from conception through age one.  Connections between pathways, circuits, brain regions and the body are constructed very early on and all growth and development past these early critical window stages of development follow along accordingly as we finish our early (and later) development.

This matters in many, many ways.  When, as a commenter to yesterday’s post mentioned (See: +SO MANY NEEDY PEOPLE IN DENIAL OF THEIR NEEDINESS) those of us with these changed brains are faced with awkward, uncomfortable, disquieting if not down right mean interactions with other people, we have an extremely difficult time doing what this commenter suggested when she noted:  Eleanor Roosevelt said “no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”

Our body-brain does not read social-emotional cues and signals in the same way as Ms. Roosevelt’s no doubt did.  As a result, our attempts to decipher all of the signals other people are sending out in the hundredth of millisecond range do not mean the same thing to us as they do to ordinary brains.  If we are even going to get a clue about what is actually happening in our interactions with others, we need the one thing to happen that SO RARELY DOES HAPPEN that we could consider it impossible.

We need time to slow way, way down.  Because these communication signals are designed (normally) to occur near the speed of light, because they are outward manifestations of electrical impulses traveling invisibly within a person yet STILL manifesting themselves in visual and auditory signals that we are supposed to automatically read, understand and be able to respond back to in kind, we are at a serious disadvantage when it comes to doing what dear Ms. Roosevelt (and this commenter) suggest.

There is a universe, and I MEAN A UNIVERSE of information necessary to process information between people according to this maxim:  “no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”  The brain has to know who-what the self is completely, it has to know who-what the other is completely, it has to process what-where the boundaries are between them, it has to be able to process the “feel” emotional information appropriately (and FAST), it has to make determinations as to what the emotion means, what the value is connected to the emotion, whether it is an ‘approach’ signal or an ‘avoid’ signal, it has to assess what’s at stake, what the degree of risk of threat to self and/or life is, what is being asked or demanded by this nebulous ‘other’, who has the power, what are the control stakes, where free will and choice (higher cortical functions) can fit into the picture……..  In other words, there is NOTHING simple about humans interacting with humans!  NOTHING!

This brings me to my last critical point.  When infant-children do not enjoy body-brain development in interaction with SOMEONE in the earliest caregiver department that allows for a safe and secure attachment to others, to the self, and to the world as a whole, none of the emotional-social processes the early brain is building itself upon will include the same information as will the body-brain of those who DID have the benefit of these more optimal developmental experiences.

We would be better off to NEVER automatically assume that the person we are engaging with in any way has a NORMALLY built optimal body-brain.  I would never expect that the woman I mentioned who needed to put me down regarding my spinning had an optimal emotional-social brain any more than I would ever expect that the rage filled passive-aggressive (in complete denial) worker at the laundromat I mentioned has one either.  They are operating in survival mode just as I do, just as my mother did.

True, individual personality blends with individual experience to create individually unique selves (by ratio with conscious awareness).  I recognize more and more my own inability to negotiate complex human transactions and interactions BECAUSE I no longer opt out by assuming that my automatic responses are the ones that are best for me.  At the same time – quite literally – TIME is RARELY my friend.

In a culture of hit-and-miss, hit-and-run, of brushing past one another at near breakneck speeds, very few of us are allowed or given the kind of TIME we would need to slow these interactional processes down far enough that we could manage to HONESTLY, with integrity, and ACTUALLY do the kind of processing Ms. Roosevelt must have assumed could happen automatically for everyone always – IF ONLY a person chose to do so.

When the emotional-social brain has not been built optimally, and the corresponding wiring in the body is not either (i.e. vagus nerve, autonomic nervous system, stress versus connection system, etc.), the only hope we have of processing information in any other way than the automatic trauma-built way we are designed for is to have TIME to include conscious processing.  Our social milieu is too invested on shallow and speedy interactions to let this happen.

We end up operating without enough information relevant for the present instant of time we find ourselves in with other people.  Our version of automatic creates ripples upon ripples of inward discomfort that we don’t even usually know about.  As we DO begin to become aware of the changed way other people and ourselves process emotional-social information, we begin to notice details of information – in our feelings, emotions, grounded in our body – that time does not let us process within usual fast moving social interactions.  That does NOT mean we are WRONG if we claim that many of our interactions with others leave us feeling sour inside as if we swallowed a toxic poison.

To no longer deny the truth behind many of the intentions, needs, demands, assessments and assumptions humans in our culture are wont to dish out back and forth – often in disguise so as to appear socially appropriate – means that we are returning back to the very beginning of our emotional-social brain’s formation so that we can do things differently than was done to us.  We are learning to no longer deny what we know on our insides to be true for us.

I believe this is healing, no matter how uncomfortable the process might be to our self or to anyone else.  We must take the TIME we need to figure out these uncomfortable interactions with others and our responses to them.  This, to me, is where the hope for change truly lies – not in therapy chambers, not in pills and drugs.

Hope and healing lies

in our being willing and patient enough

to find our own questions

so that we can find our own way

to answering them.

+++++++++++++++++

+SO MANY NEEDY PEOPLE IN DENIAL OF THEIR NEEDINESS

++++++++++++++++++++

I have a whole collection of thoughts from my experiences of this last week, but I don’t know which thought – like a star in a constellation – actually belongs in what pattern with other thoughts.  There seem to be three main areas of my observations that are probably divided so:  (1) denial, (2) what empathy isn’t, and (3) many people must feel small.

To begin with, I want to say that being around people I do not know exhausts me.  Of course if I leave my house and go out there into the public domain, that’s who I encounter:  people I do not know.

The tip of the iceberg regarding my observations from last week is that people seem to me to be constantly jockeying for a one-up position when they interact with others.  I see nothing that would lead me to suspect people are conscious of how small they must feel that they need to find ways to make themselves feel bigger than other people.

These patterns would be tiring enough to negotiate even without the fact that people seem most skilled at making themselves feel bigger by finding subtle, ongoing ways to make other people feel smaller.

OK, so I see I am beginning with my third point, though I don’t yet know why.  How do these three topics connect to one another?  If I think about each one of them in terms of being like nets that filter aspects of our human experience, which one of the three has the biggest holes in it?

I am thinking in terms, again, of the vagal nerve system and its connection to the flight-flight response or the calm, connecting, caregiving, compassionate response.  What I sense around most people when I have to interact with them is that it doesn’t take very long at all before what is supposedly communication disintegrates into some strange kind of invisible power negotiation.  In that power negotiation one person works to feel bigger and more power-full by in some way denigrating, devaluing, and disrespecting someone else.  In other words, the OTHER must be made to feel smaller.

Language experts have found that fully two-thirds of human language interactions concern some form of gossip.  Taking those patterns as a given, what does it actually FEEL like to be in interactive communication with people?  How much of what goes on are we supposed to automatically IGNORE – and surprise!  Surprise!  Here is a direct connection to my first point above:  DENIAL.

Is denial actually the main tender that we use to negotiate most human-to-human interactions?  When people are not consciously aware of their own needs, or their wants, and instead constantly denigrate others to get these needs and wants met, aren’t they expertly practicing denial?

And then, on the other hand, the recipient of the denigrative comments is NOT supposed to consciously be aware of the true nature of the interactions.  We are supposed to unconsciously, automatically and in a state of denial of our own perceptions ACT our part in return.

Let me give you just one simple example from an interaction I had with a woman who is evidently a spinner.  This woman passed by my spot in the hallway yesterday at the public art carnival for children where I was demonstrating and stopped to have what is probably a typical kind of accepted human interaction with me.  I had never seen her before.

One of the facts that this woman evidently was oblivious to is that when a spinner is showing anyone, especially a child, how the wheel is sending a twist into the collection of wool fibers being held in one hand so that the twist creates yarn, one has to keep this section of the process clearly visible to the child.  This means that when I spin on my own I hold the fibers differently in my hands, usually meaning much farther away from the wheel.

So this woman found no reason at all not to just tell me with a snicker and a snide look on her face, “You are obviously doing that wrong.”  And then she proceeded to instruct me on what I was doing wrong – exactly – and to tell me how to do it better.  During this whole verbalized judgment and criticism process, during this denigrating, shaming, down-putting ICKY experience, did I tell her to shut the hell up!

I am proud of myself that I didn’t fall into the trap of explaining to her why I was holding my hands in a position other than the supposedly correct one she was asserting.  I did not defend myself.  But I did not tell her my truth in any other way, either.  I just suffered along with her in this transaction.

I have been spinning off and on for 35 years.  I know what I am doing.  I spin what I want the way I want.  My spinning is a part of me.  Nobody, and I mean nobody has the right to criticize this process that is a part of who and how I am in the world in my lifetime.  I mean that.  Literally.  Nobody has that right.  If they do it, I know without denial that this person is throwing their ugliness at me and I want NO PART of it or of them, either.

This would be no big deal if I didn’t understand what I do now in my heightened sensitivity state.  What I DO KNOW, if I let go of denial, is that this interaction is exactly typical of most human interactions I witness.  These transactions are meant to victimize someone else.  They are bullying transactions.  I hate them, and as a consequence, I don’t like to have any more to do with other human beings at this point in my life than I absolutely HAVE to.  There is nothing pleasurable or good about constantly having to be on guard against these subtle and no so subtle attacks on one’s selfhood.

++++

My simplest terminology I use for myself is that many people are just simply passive-aggressive.  The truth is, they are geared to fight.  I can sense another person’s denied rage in the isle of a grocery store, when I walk into a laundromat, when I stand in line a bank.  We are all familiar with road rage.  We can spot drivers who are displaying aggression with the way they handle their vehicle.  The way people handle themselves in their body is no different.  The signals are plain.

On my side of the center line, I can say that it’s too bad I don’t have the energy or the motivation to feel either empathy or compassion, barely even tolerance, when I put myself in any position to have to interact with such people.  I do not have the energy for it, the desire to engage, or any hope that anything I can do will sooth these people in any way.  I just plain don’t wish to be around them.

The truth is that I can no longer play this denial game.  It never does any good to stick up for myself, to take a stand on my own behalf.  I find that the only way not to escalate the denied rage in others is to pretend it’s all OK, to remain silent, to let them do their digs and get away with it.

That woman was victimizing me yesterday.  She appeared to need to assert her ‘betterness’ by stabbing me in any way that she could.  I might feel sorry for her, but I am frankly tired of that!  Do I expect that strangers could ever walk up to one another and clearly state, “I am feeling small.  Please, I need you to help me feel bigger” in a culture that has somehow managed to create so many of us that feel so small in the first place?

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I happened to meet a young man who came through town for a few months with his wife and children and moved on again last week.  He radiated.  I’ve so rarely seen such perfect joy, happiness and well-being in a grown up that I’d almost forgotten what it looks like.  Never, in one single interaction with this gentlemen (who temporarily took a job working in the local laundromat and cafe) did I ever feel anger.  Not his, not my own.

I went to visit my friend there while she did her laundry the other day, and this young man’s position has been filled by a woman who carries around her denied rage that I find absolutely tangible.  I cannot escape that she is toxic; nor can I pretend that I don’t notice her rage that fills the expanse of that building.  I will never again step into that business as long as she works there.

My thinking travels next to my second point above:  empathy.  I don’t want to empathize with her.  I don’t want to be anywhere around her.  I don’t have the energy to pretend I don’t notice, to dodge all the hatred she sends out with her every word and action.  I will not be her unconscious target.  I spent my 18 years of childhood taking my mother’s rage, and I don’t play that game any more.

For me, these are no-win transactions.  Now, the young shining man I mentioned can move throughout his life and his presence heals.  There is something about him that vanquishes rage from the space he inhabits in ever expanding circles.  I am not strong enough to do that.  I know that.  I admit it.

Another problem I have being out in public is that these transactions I am describing are not isolated or sporadic events.  They happen continually.  They don’t happen only in rapid succession to one another, they happen on top of one another and simultaneously!  People are at battle with one another in this small-big war and they don’t even know it.

Evidently to be social beings we are all supposed to operate in denial about what’s going on between us.  If this is supposed to be a dance, it’s an ugly one.  Perhaps if I hadn’t grown up with so much isolation as a part of the abuse I experienced, I would have gradually received some sort of inoculation that would allow me to go through my entire life being able to comfortably negotiate these sad interactions that so few people seem to even notice.

But I do notice them.  Like I mentioned in my last post, evidently I am geared to live comfortably in a perfect world where people appreciate one another, respect one another, affirm rather than condemn one another, build something positive when they interact rather than tear one another down as they tear them apart.

I see little that is calm, compassionate or connecting about most human-to-human interactions.  Sadly, this makes someone like the gentleman I mentioned appear to me like a rare angel of goodness.  Sure, I’d like to be more like him.  But cutting out denial, the truth is I am not.  Evidently the best I can do right now is sit here alone at my computer and whine about what I see out there without having a single darn thing to offer about how to make things better – except to suggest that honest awareness about our own internal states might let us be more gentle and kind not only with our self, but with other people.

But while the public is out there begging for attention and affirmation by insidiously and unconsciously trying to steal ‘bigness’ from others so they don’t have to feel so small, I would rather just avoid the whole ugly mess.  These emotional pariahs, these unconscious beggars will continue to ply their skills with everyone they meet.  I, quite simply, have absolutely nothing to give them.  I just want to stay out of their way.

I am too worn out to be constantly on guard to defend myself from their attacks.  I don’t want to fight back against them and to even try would only escalate every single situation.  I have to step back and let the safely and securely attached people like this gentleman I mentioned go out there and walk among the people who seem to be so emotionally wounded.  I don’t believe he carries the same kind of woundedness within himself, so he probably doesn’t even have to notice the war that IS going on.  He carries a natural immunity, and as a result he can heal just by his shining.  I thank the universe for the existence of people such as him.  We need to make more people just like him.

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POSTSCRIPT sent to me by my sister:

I think this is related to the ‘one up, one down’ mentality…

Brooke: Your findings related to crime and imprisonment rates seem to be particularly illustrative of the way inequality can lead to social corrosion.

If you grow up in an unequal society, your actual experience of human relationships is different. Your idea of human nature changes: you think of human beings as self-interested.

Richard: We quote a prison psychiatrist who spent 25 years talking to really violent men, and he says he has yet to see an act of violence which was not caused by people feeling disrespected, humiliated, or like they’ve lost face. Those are the triggers to violence, and they’re more intense in more unequal societies, where status competition is intensified and we’re more sensitive about social judgments.

http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/want-the-good-life-your-neighbors-need-it-too

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Here are some photos that go with this post!

+THE LIFE ENHANCING NATURE OF SHARED THOUGHTS

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+PTSD: DANCING FOR THE FALLEN DANCERS

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Sometimes serendipity tugs not only at my mind, but at my heart strings.  I almost feel guilty now beginning this post because what I wanted to talk about is how my Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is acting up this week.  In way of a visual image I saw dancers on a stage, only the stage is lumpy and bumpy, with lose boards, even with some missing.

I committed myself to participate in a community art project tomorrow.  I have no real idea at all about what this event is going to be like, but these people asked the local Fiber Arts Guild for a spinning demonstrator for it.  Most of the Guild is going to a workshop tomorrow, so I thought, “What the heck.  I used to do these demos all the time 30 years ago and I did just fine.  It will be good for me to get out of the house, be in public, do something nice for somebody else.”

Added to that, as I look back over my self this past week, I went a bit too far in my eager attempts to take myself out of the house into the wider world (remember, I live in a small town, so I am not talking major PUBLIC).  So, tomorrow will be my 4th day OUT.  Only already the consequences of my PTSD are causing me trouble.  I am like a dancer on a shoddy stage, I swear.

My sensitivity to sensory input of any kind is astounding!  I had lunch yesterday with my friend at a downtown restaurant I have been to with her many, many times.  Only yesterday I could not tolerate the music blaring through the loudspeakers.  My friend told me it was no different that it’s ever been before.  I could not sit in the booth facing the window.  I could not tolerate the sunshine, even in the distance, so my friend and I had to change sitting places in the booth.  By the time our meal was done, the din of voices from other diners sent me reeling out the door.

This is no fun.  This doesn’t feel like the me I knew in my past.  I see the image of a roulette wheel spinning and spinning, slowing down — that’s me.  I need to be WAY slowed down.  This all makes me think about running down a hill.  All my life I’ve been able to stay ahead of the house-sized boulder rolling along behind me.  Not now.

This also makes me think about dissociation, about how handy dissociating has been in my life.  I used to have access to a confident, competent, socially gracious Linda that has vanished from view.  I am raw when I go out.  I no longer have an ability to ‘make things go away’.  I no longer seem to switch into different versions of myself that used to be able to participate fairly appropriately in different scenes, with different stimuli or different demands.

I don’t know how tomorrow’s event will play out for me.  I will load up all my equipment and show up like a good soldier.  But I won’t do this to myself again.  I evidently have to pay a high price internally to now do even the simplest things.

This has made me think today about those of us with PTSD, that maybe we are so burned out, physiologically, from what we’ve endured that there just isn’t enough life force left to tackle life head on any longer.  It’s like my body-brain wants to be in a PERFECT WORLD now.  I need that sense of peaceful calmness around me in my environment as if the world ever COULD be perfect.

PTSD has our entire system on hyper-vigilant super-scanning while at the same time we have a severely diminished capacity to tolerate stimuli.  To give you an example of what today showed me:  My friend works at a building with low income roomers that has a washer and dryer.  Once a month she collects the quarters, and I go through them looking for the 1976 bicentennial ones as I roll the rest of the quarters into their paper wrappers.  I’ve done this for a long time!  But today, from an arm length away I could barely stand the metallic smell of the money in the box my friend brought them to me in.

I mean, how ridiculously overly sensitive  is THAT!  Even the sound of them dropping into the little plastic tube thing we put them in to make sure there’s $10 worth in each paper was hard.  This little sound was a roar to me!  I swear!!

So, then I thought I’d look for an image of a fallen dancer online because of its connection in my thoughts to PSTD — and found this terribly sad story.  I had told my kids a week ago that I can no longer tolerate watching the Olympics because of the tension I feel knowing how much these athletes have invested in their art.  I can’t bear even the anticipation that one of them might fall.  I somehow care too much!  And now I see this, a tragic, tragic tragedy:

FALLEN DANCER

Liu Yan, considered one of the top classical dancers in China, was seriously injured while practicing a solo routine for the opening ceremony for the Olympics in Beijing, and she may be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of her life. On July 27, the 26-year-old dancer was practicing in the National Stadium when a platform malfunctioned and she fell 10 feet, landing on her back and suffering nerve and spinal damage. At the moment, she cannot feel anything below her chest, and she cannot move her lower body. Organizers for the opening ceremonies initially told witnesses and friends to not disclose the accident until after the Olympic Games, but news began to leak after several newspapers began inquiring about Liu. [NY Times]”

dance for the fallen – Korean dance performance Suwon

Who will love all of us enough to dance for us?  Can we find a way to safely dance for ourselves?

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This IS really what I am talking about.  Every single one of us who suffer from PTSD and trauma-related changes ARE fallen dancers.  My heart goes out to this fallen Chinese dancer and to all of us who have suffered so from trauma — and I need to include ME in the US.  I need to not judge myself harshly because the smell of quarters or the brilliance of sunshine or even the sounds of voices sets my nerves to vibrating worse than fingernails on the chalkboard.  I need to learn what this all means to me, having PTSD and now only really being fit for a perfect world.

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+HEALING TRAUMA AT OUR BODY-BRAIN CENTER

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I didn’t realize it when I wrote my post last Sunday, +TRAUMA TELLS THE BODY WHAT TO DO, that I was preparing my own way for the study of Dr. Kerstin Moberg’s book, The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and Healing.  But then I don’t imagine that Dr. Moberg knew exactly as she was writing her book how much its information can help severe infant-child abuse survivors and other traumatized people.

When I take a look at this next image that I scanned here from her book, I think about how it is for a tiny growing body-brain when it has to develop in adaptation to the environment it was born into when the stress scale has bottomed out and the calm and connection scale (of safe and secure attachment) has completely inadequate weight to it – or is nearly completely empty.

It is important to realize that what this image is showing is a required balance between stress and calmness.  Adequate early body-brain forming environments must include this balance for a body-brain to form and operate correctly.  Obviously too much stress and the wrong kind of stress for anyone is not a good thing.  But too much calmness isn’t good, either. Infant-child neglect often causes such a lack of stimulation during early developmental stages that critical regions of the brain do not receive the stimulation they need to grow hardly at all!

Another point I want to make is that if grave imbalance exists in an infant-child’s developmental environment the set point of the nervous system is NOT set at this central balance point where calm is even possible.  For people who survived terrible trauma in their early lives such as I did, the set point for our nervous system is AT the stress reaction point.

As odd as it might seem, looking back at my own infant-childhood with my new neuroscientific and physiological development insights, I can see that the long, long periods of forced isolation that were part of my mother’s patterns of severe abuse of me where probably – and actually – a very good thing.  During these periods when she had me ‘out of her sight’, even though during these times I was also out of any kind of loop that would have offered me normal infant-child opportunities to interact with others and with my environment in play and discovery, overall these times offered my developing body-brain opportunities for NOTHING TO HAPPEN.

These periods were actually rest and restoration times when my overwhelmed and over stimulated senses, forced into overload from the beginning of my life through the terrorizing and terrifying actions and presence of my Mean Mother, during which my body could actually calm itself down so that internally the effects of her nearly continual earthquake-tsunami abuse of me could somewhat dissipate before the next attack came.

Of course these patterns of wild, severe, over stimulating and overwhelming abuse paired with long periods of my being forced to endure the silence of remote, isolated aloneness harmed me greatly.  This pattern became a most fertile ground for patterns of dissociation to build themselves into my body-brain because nothing but the deprivation of being left completely alone to physiologically try to end my suffering alone (unconsciously, of course), offered me to possible way to connect my ongoing experiences to one another on any level other than the physiological one.  Nothing ever made sense, and nobody or nothing ever helped me to make sense of my malevolent experiences, either.

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So leading back to the topic at hand, oxytocin and Dr. Moberg’s book, I want to say that importantly I completely TRUST everything this researcher says.  Because I have continual problems with trust that happens in relationship to a sense of my feeling safe and secure in the world (and NOT), I hold this trust in high value.

At the time Moberg published this book she had already published over 400 scientific articles.  She is considered the world’s leading expert on oxytocin and on the calm-connection half of our autonomic nervous system (ANS) and all the processes that are connected to it.  She is talking about what severe infant-child abuse survivors missed most during our earliest growth and developmental stages:  The opportunity to experience safe and secure attachments that would have allowed us to experience peaceful calmness and connection to others so that our body-brain could build into us a body-brain-nervous system with the balance depicted in the above image included.

Because my infant-childhood was filled with extreme, chronic, ongoing and severe abuse and trauma, I read Moberg’s book from a perspective that means I want to know how things SHOULD have been so that I can better know what I am MISSING at the same time I hope to find information that can help me to consciously CHANGE this set point within my body-nervous system-brain for the BETTER.

As I read Moberg’s account of current research patterns being weighted at 90% study of the stress response compared to 10% of study on the other half of the system, I understand why I am still searching for help, healing and answers.  There is no hope for truly understanding what was so damaging during our early physiological development about being immersed in continual overwhelming trauma if we don’t have the information we need about how things were truly SUPPOSED to be different.  I believe the best hope for healing ourselves on every level does not lie in the drugs we might take to override systems in our body.  We need to get the true picture of what is REALLY GOING ON.

No matter what we read, no matter what anyone tells us, we cannot fool our body.  Our body, the Earth Suit we live in, absolutely knows the truth.  When we encounter the truth in research it will resonate inside of us.  Our body knows the truth when it-we hear it.  Moberg’s book, her work and dedication to research about the calm connection system in the human body as it is designed to operate in counter-weight with our stress response system holds truth that I believe is imperative for us to understand.  As we gain these understandings, we will FEEL them in our body and know them in our brain-mind.  Once I have completed my reading of this book, I will enter the universe of the internet to look for research related to this topic that has occurred in the 6-7 years since the book was written.  I can only hope that the scientific world has taken Moberg’s work seriously enough to pick up this critical study of what contributes to the other half of our well-being as a species:  The ability to calm ourselves down and connect to others.  This is absolutely the study, in my mind, of safe and secure attachment of ourselves in our body in the world we live in.  Again, I will keep you posted.

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I wanted to make a little note here today at my sister’s suggestion about my present experiences as I teach myself to read music and play this amazing piano keyboard that I was blessed with being able to bring into my life.  As my sister pointed out, as I continue applying myself to this study and practice and as I gradually improve, I will probably not remember the process of learning itself.

I don’t remember learning to tie my shoes, but I do have faint memories of being at the age of trying to learn my right hand from my left.  I invented a learning strategy that involved remembering a pattern of freckles on my right wrist where I would have worn a watch if I had one (like the one my father wore).  All I had to do was connect the freckles with ‘watch’ with how right in my mind a watch would have looked on my wrist to learn which side of me was right and not left!

I know this music learning experience is similar also to when I learned to ride a bicycle.  Once the motor learning has taken place, I expect that I will never have to consciously think about it again.  In the meantime, my actual process of learning is fascinating.  There’s nobody here to judge my process or progress but myself, and in the clear, plain and good spirit of PLAY I am able to leave all self judgment out of the picture.

What I am left with is the process of literally and consciously experiencing what it is like for ME, in this body, with this brain, to learn something this new and strange.  I also know that because of the severe trauma I was immersed in as my brain developed, neither my left nor might right brain hemisphere formed themselves ‘normally’.  I also know that the corpus callosum that transfers information between my brain hemispheres did not form correctly, either.

As I teach myself this new language of music and gain the motor skills required that will let me actually PLAY music, I am experiencing what I believe is a true healing in these regions of my brain.  Last night I began to practice playing scales with both hands at the same time.  I figured there is no way I am going to get my hands to be able to each first play different notes in different ways in different timings if I can’t get them to cooperate and first play the same notes in the same patterns at the same time.

Well, I am here to tell you I can’t remember the last time I experienced such a giggle session!  Part of me was directly the physical process complete with the intention of desired result – while another part of me fell into giggling bursts of delight to watch what my hands were ACTUALLY doing!  Instead of tangoing they were tangling, each finger with a mind of its own tumbling and fumbling over the keys.

Yet I believe that learning good things is healing.  All the healing I have ever done has been about learning.  Learning how to let myself learn is a learning itself both about what learning is like AND what healing is like.  That process is delightful in itself as I gently and kindly, slowly, patiently and firmly open my own channels for change within myself so that I can let something good and new grow itself into my body-brain-mind-self.

I have hopes, a goal, a direction.  I want to play music.  I know I can do this.  I give myself permission to move forward, to make the mistake-errors, to correct them, to learn-heal at my own pace. As I experience such delight even in this process of learning itself I realize this is just a bonus gift I could not anticipate and did not expect to love and enjoy.

So, needless to say, I have a long long way to go to begin to even get the two hemispheres of my brain to operate harmoniously, cooperatively and well together.  But what I look forward to and DO EXPECT TO HAPPEN is that eventually the two hemispheres of my brain will dance on that keyboard in relationship to one another.  Sometimes they will follow the same patterns together.  Sometimes they will be able to ‘say’ something musically that will be very different, one from the other.

I nearly absolutely and entirely and completely missed the opportunity as an infant-child to be safe, secure, and to play.  And I certainly did not get to giggle.  So, if at 58 I am finally able to giggle myself into this amazing new skill of reading and playing music, that’s a very good thing indeed!  No doubt I am helping myself heal at the center of who I am in this trauma-changed body.  I’ll keep you posted on this process, as well!

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