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How silly of me to feel worse than usual, yet how inescapably real my feelings are.  I am in the midst of yet another experience that shows me how intimately connected the ‘stress response-calm connection’ system really is.

I had an appointment with a new oncologist in Tucson last week and my daughter and baby grandson went with me.  (They are back home 1700 miles away now.)  I have nobody to follow-up on my breast cancer treatment that ended 2 1/2 years ago, so I went to see what chances there were of maybe receiving some kind of ‘test’ that might let me know where my body now stands in its recovery.

I liked this new doctor.  Although very busy, he was at least kind.  I could tell that about him instantly and felt reassured about whatever quality of care I might receive from him (so unlike my OTHER doctor).  I am still waiting to hear specifics on the scan the doctor ordered – when, where, IF, etc.  He also ordered an immediate blood test to check for ‘cancer markers’.

I was told to call him today for the results of that test, so I did.  His nurse told me that I need to talk to him so I am waiting for his return call.

“Why should this all upset me,” I ask myself.

Then I return immediately with the opposite response, “How could it NOT be upsetting to have had cancer once, have received a nasty and not hopeful comment from my oncologist at the end of treatment, and now be returning ‘to the scene of the crime’ of cancer in my body — no matter what the outcome of these tests turns out to be?”

It’s 4:23 in the afternoon and no call yet that I know of.  Is my cell phone receiving calls today?  It often doesn’t.

What real use will the results of this blood test even be seeing that when I had two cancers in my breast, one of them ‘advanced aggressive’ and very large, my blood showed NO SIGNS of these so-called cancer markers.  I asked the doctor about this fact and he said that if there are elevated cancer markers in my blood now then at least that fact would tell him SOMETHING.

The absence of these markers, I am savvy enough to know, will offer me no form of reassurance or reason to celebrate at all.

And here I wait.

And while I do I am exquisitely aware of my hyper-activated attachment system.  I am dearly missing not one person but EVERYONE I dearly love.

That’s the main purpose of an attachment system in the first place.  When we do not feel safe and secure in the world, when we feel threatened our stress response end of the continuum screams out for CONNECTION with those who help us feel safe and secure — so we (and our body) can reestablish CALM again.

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As I have written before I never had CALM built into the center of my body-nervous system-brain in the first place — so when I perceive threat I have a super exaggerated anxiety-stress response.  It rarely starts at calm in the first place so it’s just anxiety/stress/distress piled upon more of the same and more of the same…….

And just as a tiny infant’s entire being will scream for safe and secure connection with its primary caregiver when it is stressed/distressed, mine does so now.  Only my scream long ago became a silent one.

It is especially times like this present one when it’s even more difficult for me having my loved ones so far away.  It would also be helpful if I could include more close attachments within my universe — and I also mean ‘close’ as in ‘right here where I live’.

If I were a drug user I suppose I’d be stoned right now to make this feeling go away.  Or I’d be shopping, or eating — or doing SOMETHING to diminish my discomfort.  As it is, I live with THIS FEELING as I wait

wait

wait……

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5 PM, doc called, blood tests came back without a sign of cancer – good!  Would mean a bit more if the original cancers had shown something, so waiting to see if Medicare approves the needed scan……

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