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While I will be keeping the writing I am doing for ‘the book’ off of this blog, I encountered something this morning that belongs to both ‘places’. During my sleep last night I must have processed something that focused into words as soon as I woke up. In essence:
What I have repeatedly said on this blog, that I don’t believe the issue of ‘forgiveness’ applies to my abusive childhood but INFORMED COMPASSION does is incorrect. Today I know something more and different.
I still believe that informed compassion applies to my mother, who was the insane abuser and also a SICK SICK woman. I therefore seek knowledge and understanding about her condition as I increasingly realize that she was incapable of free choice in the matter of how she treated me.
Today, however, I realize that INFORMED COMPASSION cannot possibly apply to my father ‘the accomplice’. No matter how hard I have tried to find ways to put him on ‘equal’ grounds with my mother, I cannot. While I can justifiably explain what happened to my mother, I can’t with my father. When I try that approach I realize today all I am doing is offering excuses for his part in the horror of my childhood.
Therefore, I see now for the first time in my entire life that FORGIVENESS is what I would need to make my own peace about my father’s role in my infant-childhood of trauma and terror. Nope! Informed compassion won’t do for him.
This tells me (told to myself by myself) that I will now have to open a new door in my life to learn what the heck forgiveness actually is and how I can move in that direction in my feelings for the man, now dead, who was my father. In some ways I say, “DARN IT! I liked the informed compassion idea much better!”
Why? Because I am more familiar with it and because it absolutely DOES apply to my mother. My father, on the other hand, I believe did have the ability to choose. Maybe he never knew that he did, but I can find no way to let him off the ‘free choice and free will’ hook.
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Stop the Storm 
I am sure you have learned enough about his family of origin and the relationships he had with his own parents to make this realization. I know what u are saying…its also easier to deal with if you knew that your dad did not have the emotional empathy that you wrote about in yesterday;s blog. If he didn;t have it,due to his own trauma it is a bit easier to understand why he was not affected by what he saw happen to his precious daughter. To be a witness…and not react, not do something, not save her from the abuse…means he was certainly missing something.The question is what?
With my own dad ,I was able to write him a letter and even verbalize what his leaving me “with her” knowing how crazy she was had affected me. He accepted responsibility and apologised which does make forgiveness a little easier. But also knowing what my father endured from his childhood helps explain his ignorance. If he was totally broken inside and never recieved the love and comfort from his parents…how could he recognise the pain in another or…how to even know how to comfort another.
Despite forgiving him which is something I did with my head…its a decision I made I have to say that it doesn;t wipe away the pain and even sometimes the anger at the choices he made.
I hope u will be able to find a place inside yourself where you can make peace with your dad for your sake.
Whatever his reasons ,your dad did not act in a loving,compassionate way towards you, This was the legacy he left. Your fogiveness of him can come out of your legacy.The one that chooses to do things in love and in truth. Your being totally conscious of all that you do and how it affects those you love and care about is how you live your life. Unforgiveness in my own experiences only hurts ourselves and…haven’t we had enough of that?
And forgiveness NEVER excuses what they did. It fully acknowledges it .
Thank you! I can’t write anything else in response just now – it’s going in the book!! all the best, Linda – alchemynow
I totally get what you are saying only I am the opposite. My father I forgive easily with the informed compassion due to he had just experience post traumatic stress from vietnam. My mom has no such reason except being truly evil and so way harder to forgive. I do though simply because the things she did does and still do to me only make me stronger better and able to help others even more:)
So grateful we do not follow their footsteps!!!!