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Two twelve-year-old neighbor girls and one age 7 were over at my house the other day wanting roses and flowers to make Mother’s Day arrangements, so I spent over 2 hours with them. I was so shocked at the topics of their conversation as they sat in my house putting their flowers together as they wanted them and making cards to add with them I at first only listened with no idea how to react. As they sat in their own universe the words they began to include and the hysterical giggling that followed eventually led to my response: “Another word like that in my house and out the door you go — for good!”
What is this super-charged sexualized talk about? Is this common among young people today? Who is RAISING THEM?
In some ways I could understand this better if there was some history of sexual abuse among these girls. If there isn’t, that means that very probably children today are approaching meltdown in the ways they think and feel about themselves and one another. No wonder Arizona has the highest single teen birthrate in the nation!
I couldn’t carry on an actual conversation with these girls. To me, they were spiraling out of control. I wouldn’t even know at their age how a caring adult could possibly begin to intercede, to steer their thinking (and the words of their conversations) in a more dignified and respectful direction. NEVER would my children have talked that way!
All I know from my point of view is that if these girls reflect what is going on among children-youth today, something is TERRIBLY WRONG! There is no dignity in those lines of behavior. I don’t even perceive that there’s any hope!
On the other hand, unless I can detect a way to determine especially for one of these older girls who seems to be deteriorating in front of my eyes (I’ve known her since she was 7) that there ISN’T sexual abuse in her history, I am going to believe in my thinking and in my interactions with her that this history IS there. If it isn’t, and if these sexualized interactions are ‘normal’ today among our children, then I would say our entire culture has lowered its values and standards to such a degraded degree that the entire environment these children are socially immersed in is sexually abusive as a whole.
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Stop the Storm 
P.s I want to give an extra big hug to all of you are about to celebrate Mother;s day. I know for myself, I had a good cry this morning as I contemplated whether of not I was going to see my mother tomorrow,as well as my motherinlaw, who tends to be very Self centered. I have chosen for the first time NOT to visit my mother tomorrow as too many feelings have been coming to the surface and I just may throw up(not literally) when I see her.
I have chosen to visit my mother in law since her self centeredness comes from her own brokeness and she doesnt recognise that she is only TALKING ABOUT HERSELF!
I really dont want to see any of them but then I feel like I am not being fair to my husband.
I find this year…Mothers day is a particularly hard one for me. My husband says that I shouldnt let her destroy the joy I should be feeling about it being my day. I am finding it hard to do today.
I was thinking this morning that I was born an orphan, really. I never had a ‘mother’. She was ‘something else’, but NOT a MOTHER as I define mother in anything but the biological way.
And yes, BEING a mother of our own children is distinctly different than being a daughter. Yet when I think about being my mother’s daughter I can also realize how wonderful I am – which has pretty much NOTHING to do with my mother!
Makes me think of an exercise someone told me once – I used to do this now and then for all kinds of reasons! I would take some kind of container, put something of another person that I had trouble with — even my own words on paper related to ‘the issues’, or a picture, anything — and prayerfully go dig a hole in a special place (I preferred OFF any property I resided on) – and buried it!! I could always travel in my thoughts back to the whole ‘ceremony’ I had done, and even back to the SPOT itself if I needed to – but I never dug the things back up again!
The more I have learned about how severe child abuse most often originated in our perpetrator’s early developmental years, how their body changed, how SICKNESS is a part of the body that we leave behind when we die so that only the soul or essence crosses over (and I believe sickness is forgiven on the other side, but I don’t of course know what God does with anyone!!) – this helps me – somehow – !!
I hope you can feel the love within you and the love that surrounds you on Mother’s Day! I so thank you for mentioning our difficulties around this day for those whose mother’s hurt them! much love, Linda – alchemynow
Wow Linda, you were very wise and obviously very caring and attentive to their feelings. I think as mothers who have come from backgrounds where ANGER was not allowed to be expressed all recognize the danger that that can create within from not having our feelings the freedom of expression and the ACKNOWLEGEMENT of them. So many good lessons can be learned from this.
I know for my own twin girls,when they were angry they were always able to express their anger, however as parents I think its helpful to teach them what to do with feelings when one becomes overwhelmed. And anger …is a powerful feeling. When I noticed that one of my daughters was angry and starting to stomp away..I would always call her out on that because I know I needed to teach her that it was very important to discuss whatever it was ,so that she could know I was interetsed in how she was feeling and wanted to HEAR her.I knew if I didnt give her this opportunity.. It could be a pattern that would be developed and used throughout the rest of her life. And we all know that keeping feelings in is the beginning of losing our own power.
Validation Validation Validation!
xo
YES! With my kids I just didn’t bother trying to ‘rationalize’ their feelings before they simmered down!! Validation, what a wonderful word!
Mahalo for the Mother’s Day love….this is a hard time for me I I have chosen to ignore my mother and have done so for yrs.
Many ask me why I treat her so badly. I don’t. I have chosen to love myself more on this blessed day!! As I had made very wise choices in rearing my children and they will be within walking distance to my home deep in the jungle. She is not hard to ignore…the pain she caused carries on even today…
Working within myself to be mindful of ME and be able to be an example …I do like your way of allowing children to express their pent-up anger with an timer and the bathroom…what a great way.
Hi there! I’d love to see pics of your jungle place!!! Oh, how ALIVE it must smell there!! Wonderful to have your children close — and yes, such a good point on the sadness that can still be with us even tho we make choices to not be actively involved with abusive parents — the grief is there – but reality is reality! I applaud you taking such good care of yourself – And HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!
Oh Linda I understand…..my grand children are moving here on Tuesday….9 and 10 yr old soon to be 10/11 have awful foul mouths.
I have to bite my tongue around their mother because I chased her away to raise her babies her way…as I was disappointed by my standards.
Both pre-adolescent kids will be living with me for a short time as they are relocating near my acres…and I am trying not to preconceive what it will be like. As both are very good students and have many redeemable qualities…
But my tolerance for foul-mouth children runs thin.
My children never spoke or was around people who had…
so this is distressing for me…
Planning on making my boundary walls higher…they will just adjust to my rules in my home. As you did.
Thank you for your comment. Some say ‘the world has changed’ as if we are simply supposed to accept that??
I had a memory as I read your words, though, about raising my own children. This was my own way of dealing with a verbal issue that seemed to work, as odd as it might seem!!
When they reached the age they said things like, “I HATE you!” — well, that would be my cue. Without raising my voice or even trying to change their behavior directly I would verbally acknowledge their anger at me and tell them, “OK, into the bathroom you go! Close the door and I’ll set the timer for five minutes. You just go ahead and do your best to hate me, scream and yell, say anything you want to. Go ahead and be as mad as you want.”
I set the timer, put it on the floor outside the bathroom door and smiled for the perhaps 40 seconds of awful yelling that followed which I simply walked away from and ignored, and then came the “I’m all done now Mom. Can I come out?”
“Nope, not yet. I haven’t heard the timer go off.”
Followed then by a LONG and VERY boring last few minutes behind the closed door as they got zero attention and no arguments from me!
I would do this again. Still makes me smile!!
Good luck with your little ones. I think this age is a wonderful one for conversations – to listen, talk, discuss — if they can do that. But taking the wind right out of their sails first might be a useful ticket!!! Happy Mother’s DAY!!