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There is absolutely no one who can do for us what we need to do for ourselves to accomplish our degrees of healing as survivors of extremely traumatic infant-childhoods.  While I occasionally receive comments on this blog written by survivors who do not want their comments published, I encourage everyone to consider what reasons they have not to speak their own truth where others who have suffered similar early fates can read it.  Although nobody else can heal us, we all have something to say that can assist someone else who is making a healing journey that is similar to ours.

This morning I have been thinking that just as I say that it isn’t the specific details of our actual terrible and traumatic infant-childhoods that truly matters — because in the end what damaged us MOST is the altered physiological development that changed the very body-brain we grew in the middle of the hells we lived in — it must also be equally true that it doesn’t actually matter so much what actual ‘diagnosis’ could be given to those who harmed us, either.

Most often, if not always, our perpetrators suffered Trauma Altered Development in the midst of the hell that was their infant-childhood, too.  What I say we are looking for are the PATTERNS that remain in our altered-development body-brain.  Those patterns ARE physiological.  That does not mean that we can’t work to change how those patterns are affecting us in our adulthood.  It does mean that we need to learn as much as we can about how the terrible stress on our developing little body RESULTED in us having a different body-brain than we would have had if we had been born into a safe and secure early attachment home.

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When people ask me for a book to read that might help them all I can say is that there are books you can find by Google searching, but I don’t believe the information about Trauma Altered Development yet exists for the lay public.  That information does exist en masse on this blog and can be found by Google searching combinations of “stopthestorm” AND whatever words you might think of related to what you most need to know.

It is important to realize that all severely traumatized infant-children suffer altered physiological development IN COMBINATION with ‘saving factors’ or ‘resiliency factors’ that existed in their early lives.  These factors consist of PRIMARILY safe and secure relationships with someone in our earliest years that was able to love us appropriately.

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While I do not advocate a specific ‘return’ to an abusive early life to search out traumatic memories, I do recommend that survivors work to create what I call a TIMELINE of their early years (and on into adulthood when helpful).  The Disorganized-Disoriented insecure attachment pattern that many survivors end up with is CONTRASTED with the organized insecure attachment patterns.

There is a BIG difference between these two ‘versions’ of insecure attachment.  What is commonly called ‘Dismissive-Avoidant insecure attachment’ is an organized insecure attachment pattern.  The insecure attachment ‘disorder’ commonly called ‘Preoccupied’ is also an organized insecure attachment pattern.

While I see that all the insecure attachment patterns usually include degrees of dissociation, it is the Disorganized-Disoriented insecure attachment pattern that I believe is most closely tied with BODY-BASED feelings of panic, anxiety,and a reoccurring sense of overwhelming confusion and loss.

I also believe that all of the insecure attachment patterns-disorders (all being a direct result of unsafe and insecure early infant-caregiver attachment relationships, primarily with the mother) exist in combination with physiological changes that happened in development in response to trauma.  And I believe that all insecure attachment patterns also involve SOME degree of interference with the development of the SELF.

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Creating a TIMELINE of our early life (the best we can) begins to create a bridge over which we can walk back and forth so that we can make better sense of how we are and how we feel in our adult life.  Just as a smooth, happy, clear and positive connection with our SELF was tampered with during our earliest years, so also was our ability to tell a coherent life story/narrative of our self in our own life.

I think we end up being trapped in our adult life with an overlap of powerful, if not overwhelming feelings from our earliest life that continually contaminate our present experience of being alive in our body.  Part of how this continues to happen is that our body-brain did not grow itself with an ordinary sense of TIME built into it.  Trauma does that to us.  (Google search “stopthestorm peritrauma” to find related posts here.)

If we can begin to consciously create a sense of ‘ordinary time’ for ourselves we can begin to teach and instruct our body-brain that there is such a thing as a PAST-PRESENT-FUTURE time reality that nonsurvivors automatically know about — and our body-brain DOES NOT.  Creating a TIMELINE of our earliest life helps bring this more ‘ordinary’ sense of time into focus for us.

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I had the advantage of my mother’s letters that, as I transcribed them, at least gave me some points in time that could be matched with factual experiences.  A severe early trauma survivor’s life happens in the midst of trauma — which is the same thing as saying it happens in the midst of chaos.  CHAOS does not contain an ordinary pattern of the passage of time.

Dissociation is, I believe, directly connected to a sense of time-passing that is in shambles.  Nothing but overlap and contamination of present and past can happen if we cannot somehow manage to NAME the past as the past and the present as the present — because our body-brain was not built in/by/for trauma with this information included.  WE HAVE TO DO THIS CONSCIOUSLY.

This is all a very gradual process.  Somewhere in our time-confusion body-brain we have to make room for our SELF as it exists NOW with every breath we take and with our every heartbeat NOW to experience the good things of life!!  Our earliest years all but buried this SELF alive!  We are the only ones who can find ways to let our SELF live NOW.

And we can share with one another and with other people who care what this entire experience is like for us.  While we cannot walk another’s path or follow another’s journey exactly, there are far more experiences that we share that not as survivors.  This is because there are patterns of trauma-altered body-brain development changes that we share in common (to one degree or another).  Sharing our journey helps ALL of us gain more confidence that we are MAKING A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE both to our own self and to somebody else.

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NEXT POST:  +PITY HURTS, COMPASSION HEALS: KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE

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A HEALING PRAYER FOR WOMEN

Glory be to Thee, O Lord my God! I beg of Thee by Thy Name through which He Who is Thy Beauty hath been stablished upon the throne of Thy Cause, and by Thy Name through which Thou changest all things, and gatherest together all things, and callest to account all things, and rewardest all things, and preservest all things, and sustainest all things—I beg of Thee to guard this handmaiden who hath fled for refuge to Thee, and hath sought the shelter of Him in Whom Thou Thyself art manifest, and hath put her whole trust and confidence in Thee.

She is sick, O my God, and hath entered beneath the shadow of the Tree of Thy healing; afflicted, and hath fled to the City of Thy protection; diseased, and hath sought the Fountainhead of Thy favors; sorely vexed, and hath hasted to attain the Wellspring of Thy tranquillity; burdened with sin, and hath set her face toward the court of Thy forgiveness.

Attire her, by Thy sovereignty and Thy loving-kindness, O my God and my Beloved, with the raiment of Thy balm and Thy healing, and make her quaff of the cup of Thy mercy and Thy favors. Protect her, moreover, from every affliction and ailment, from all pain and sickness, and from whatsoever may be abhorrent unto Thee.

Thou, in truth, art immensely exalted above all else except Thyself. Thou art, verily, the Healer, the All-Sufficing, the Preserver, the Ever-Forgiving, the Most Merciful.

—Bahá’u’lláh in Bahá’í Prayers: A Selection of Prayers Revealed by Bahá’u’lláh, the Báb, and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá pages 90-91

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I want to highlight today an important concept called ‘good enough parenting’.  This kind of parenting – human parenting which is never perfect because people aren’t perfect – does guarantee to an infant-child that its most basic rights and needs will be met in a ‘good enough’ way.

‘Good enough’ parenting communicates to a little one’s developing body-brain that the world is safe and secure enough that drastic adjustments to its physiology DO NOT have to be made.  This ‘good enough’ parenting lies along the spectrum of safe and secure attachment from conception as it signals to a little one’s genetic potential that all is well-enough with the world and Trauma Altered Development does not happen.

What is this ‘good enough parenting’ like?  I am presenting links to some information that can provide food for thought both for those of us who received ANYTHING BUT ‘good enough’ parenting and thus experienced Trauma Altered Development (along with receiving an insecure attachment disorder-pattern) and for those who DID receive ‘good enough’ parenting and/or provided it for their own offspring.

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If you might find yourself only following one of the links presented here today – this one is worth the journey!!

From Newharbinger Publications:  An interview with Ruth P. Newton, Ph.D.

— author of The Attachment Connection: Parenting a Secure & Confident Child Using the Science of Attachment Theory

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Here is a book on the concept of ‘good enough parenting’ described originally by the British doctor Donald Woods Winnicott:

A Good Enough Parent : A Book on Child-Rearing – Paperback (Mar. 12, 1988) by Bruno Bettelheim

Product Description

“In this book, the preeminent child psychologist of our time gives us the results of his lifelong effort to determine what is most crucial in successful child-rearing. His purpose is not to give parents preset rules for raising their children, but rather to show them how to develop their own insights so that they will understand their own and their children’s behavior in different situations and how to cope with it. Above all, he warns, parents must not indulge their impulse to try to create the child they would like to have, but should instead help each child fully develop into the person he or she would like to be.”

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What is “good enough” parenting?

This website page describes how ‘attunement’ is critical to the healthy growth and development of an infant-child and that it can mean different things at different stages of a little one’s development.

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Article on ‘good enough’ parenting and Reactive Attachment Disorder:  Good Enough Parenting

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WHAT IS GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING? Attunement And Self-Esteem In Child Rearing

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Valuing Parent Education: a Cornerstone of Child Abuse Prevention

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Effective Parenting Capacity Assessment:  Key Issues

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A very interesting site:  GoodEnoughCaring.com website

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Good Enough Moms & Dads:  Separating Fact from Fiction about Parent-Child Attachment

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A New Guide to Attachment Parenting Questions The Medical Establishment

February 11, 2011 by Mary Jessica Hammes

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How Much Attachment Parenting is Necessary?  The real key to parent-child bonding

By Heather Turgeon  February 10, 2011

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The Good Enough Parent

by Nadia on Thu, 2010-12-02

“A recent debate on the mommy blogs and in the NY Times got Nadia thinking about the idea of the “good enough parent.”

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In our so-called Western Worldview model of the universe (and of ourselves) with its reliance upon Newtonian-Cartesian thinking, we are most susceptible to perpetuating illusions (delusions) about how we grow a self IN A BODY that can be (is) influenced by the signals received from the earliest environment we are born into.  As long as we are considered to be nothing more than a collection of ‘parts’ in a universe that we do not conceive of as a living WHOLE we cannot possibly know the truth about the wide range of possibilities that in fact DO exist in interaction BETWEEN an infant and its caregiving-attachment environment.

We do not simply hatch into adulthood.  Our body-brain has been specifically created in response to the environment that made us.  This is an interactional process.  There are profound consequences within the body-brain of people whose earliest environments did little to HELP them toward well-being.

None of us live separately from our body.  There is no split between our body and our brain, either.  Nor do we have the power to escape how our environment influences how our genetic potential manifests itself.

We are not robots, nor are we a race of super-beings that are immune to the same natural patterns and processes that affect all life.  There is nothing magical about us.  Any one of us, challenged by a harsh and malevolent early environment, will come out at the end of our infant-childhood in a very different body (and with a very different brain) than we would have if we had been formed under the influence of a far better world.

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All this being said, what I want to mention is that I believe that the so-called ‘personality disorder’ spectrum includes people whose particular genetic potential was forced to respond in a survival-at-all-costs early environment in a particular way that changed their phenotype (what we ‘see’ of genetic combinations).  Very simply put an adequate early environment would NOT have triggered these ‘personality disorder’ patterns.

These patterns, I believe, lie squarely within the range of survival-based tools that our species’ genetic potential has retained for use under conditions of severe devastation.

If we have doubts about the power of our physiological make-up to adapt to a malevolent world in permanent ways, we need to take note of such sobering words as these:

Transgenerational Effects of Maternal Care

“The epigenetic modifications associated with maternal care illustrate the long-term effects of mother-infant interactions within one generation.  However, there is increasing evidence that maternal care can also shape the phenotype of future generations.  The transgenerational continuity of child abuse in humans is striking.  It is currently estimated that up to 70% of abusive parents were themselves abused, whereas 20% – 30% of abused infants are likely to become abusers…”  Oxford Handbook of Developmental Behavioral Neuroscience (Oxford Library of Neuroscience) by Mark Blumberg, John Freeman and Scott Robinson (Nov 10, 2009), page 332)

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NOTE:  As I understand things, nearly every single one of the so-called ‘mental illnesses’ is a phenotype that resulted from undue stress during earliest development that triggered the particular genetic combinations (like a combination lock) so that these phenotypes manifested.  They were in most cases (my belief) NOT preordained in any way (unlike, say, our eye color), but are rather adaptive survival-under-desperate-conditions reactions to malevolent/toxic conditions during development.

The phenotypes then are actually reproductive fitness-unfitness indicators that signal the conditions within the earliest developmental phases of life.  SEE:  REPRODUCTIVE FITNESS INDICATORS.  That our species is losing the ability to ‘read’ the fitness indicators and to understand what they signal about the conditions of the environment-at-large puts us at great risk for continuing to suffer with a lack of well-being (as individuals and as civilizations).

That research is showing that epigenetic factors may pass on these adaptive conditions through the generations is frightening to me!  Nature does not take chances with our survival.  When future generations carry the epigentic information that guarantees manifestation of the trauma-reaction changes (in altered phenotypes) — so that the changes manifest in the future even if the individual DID NOT suffer trauma in their earliest development — we will have to look BACKWARDS to see where/when the trauma occurred in ancestral lines.

Researchers HOPE that epigenetic changes will dissolve over the generations if conditions within the environment that triggered them improve.  It is unknown at present if epigenetic changes can eventually alter DNA if environmental conditions remain troublesome to survival.

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+EARLY ABUSE SURVIVORS SUCH AS MY MOTHER WAS – PROGRAMMED TO SURVIVE AT ALL COSTS

+EARLY ABUSE SURVIVORS SUCH AS MY MOTHER WAS – PROGRAMMED TO SURVIVE AT ALL COSTS

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When the physiological development of a human being is forced to change during the first 33 months of its life (conception to age two) in response to the stresses present in a malevolent early world what are MEANT to be the range of options for choice, reason and action for that individual can be permanently changed.

In a worst-case world immediate death is all but guaranteed.  In such a world biology dictates to animals that survival of the species requires that those old enough to reproduce continue to live at all costs because there is not enough time before ‘the end of the world’ for the youngest members of the species to survive long enough to reproduce.

As harsh as this reality might be, the offspring are at greatest risk of being left behind, cast out and/or destroyed in the interest of ‘the greatest good’ for the species.  An entirely different ‘reasoning’ take over, one that is a species’ biological heritage.  That we might not like this reality does not matter.  That life is so harsh that all but the ones who can accomplish what most needs to be done for survival of the species requires the sacrifice of the offspring IS NOT biologically based on conscious (evolved ability) thought.

This is, I believe, a level of biological programming in which genetic potential for survival of the body of the self — geared toward survival of the species — kicks in.  This is what happened to my mother, and is what I believe happens to all parents who do great harm to their offspring.

If we wish to ‘reason’ severe infant-child abuse out, this is the level we must think about it on.  This is the level where conjecture, blame and criticism ends and the truth begins.  This is the level where the facts lie buried in human DNA potential as it becomes triggered during earliest development of a body-brain in an environment of absolute challenge to survival so that life for the species itself can be continued.

That these facts may appear to be buried beneath the preferred rhetoric of so-called advanced society does not make them any less true.  The fact that we might not want to KNOW the truth or believe it does not change it.  What does have the power to change the scenarios that result from physiological developmental changes in response to early stress and trauma is to guarantee to every human being the best infant-childhood possible so that these trauma alterations would not have to occur.

+EARLY ABUSE SURVIVORS SUCH AS MY MOTHER WAS – PROGRAMMED TO SURVIVE AT ALL COSTS

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There are some things that I find I cannot contemplate without including a spiritual dimension to my considerations.  Even though I live a simple life I am not oblivious to the disintegration that is happening all around this glorious globe of a planet we live on.  I have known trouble.  Billions of people on this planet know trouble with every breath they take.  Why is there so much trouble on this earth and what will it take for people to understand that it is we who create most of it and therefore it is we who also have the power to change things for the better – for ourselves, for all who share life at this moment, and for the generations that are coming along behind us.

I am participating in a series of Study Circles lead by a local Baha’i woman who is kind enough to make the trip to the little town I live in to teach it.  There are at present 8 books in this Ruhi (‘Persian’ for ‘spirit;) series of studies.  The first one is titled Reflections on the Life of the Spirit.  These studies are designed for every culture the globe over, and all include phrases from the Baha’i writings.

There are two passages from the second class that we finished this week that I can’t help but tie together with what I understand about Trauma Altered Development and how it both happens during extremely malevolent infant-childhoods – and what it does to people.

The first one:

“Truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues.”  (‘Abdu’l-Baha, cited in The Advent of Divine Justice, p. 26)

The second one:

“Without truthfulness progress and success, in all the worlds of God, are impossible for any soul.”  (Same citation)

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I have a very simple, delicate rose that has begun to bloom in my back yard.  The flowers have few petals, meaning that this rose is very close to its wild relatives.  Its small buds have a faint yellow-peach tinge to them, but when they open the flowers are light pink-white.  As I stop in passing to gaze at these flowers I think about how perfect they are – how pure and how perfect.  Although each one of them is a new creation, a flower that has never before now bloomed in all the history of this world, each is also following a pattern over which this rose has absolutely no choice but to fulfill.  These roses are both their own unique self at the same time their range of existence is extremely limited.

I think about all the rest of creation, but when my thoughts wander to the realm of the species of man my thoughts begin to follow a different course.  Spiritually it is the race of humankind that is unique in all of our Creator’s vision and intention.  To humankind has been given options as to how we behave and what we do because we have been given free will and the power to make choices that this simple rose – and all other creation – have not been given.

All the other forms of creation are true to their ‘mission’ in life.  They all fulfill their destiny.  And yet this rose will always be subject to the conditions of the environment that it lives in.  Good environment that meets its needs = great flowers.  Bad environment that does not meet its needs = degrees of disintegration and death.

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Of course because this blog and my writings are concerned with the consequences of severe infant-childhood abuse and trauma, I think about my abuse perpetrator (my mother with my father’s cooperation) and about other perpetrators of abuse and harm upon others.  How did my mother continue to choose to act the way that she did against me?  Did she have a choice?  Could she have chosen to act differently – and BETTER?

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According to the Teachings of the Baha’i Faith it is only the human race that has been given free will and the power of conscious choice.  This can happen because of all creation humans have two dual natures:  One is our mammal-animal nature and the other is our spiritual-soul nature.  When humans do ‘good’ we are choosing to operate with our higher spiritual nature.  When humans do ‘bad’ we are choosing to operate with our lower animal nature.

When I think about Trauma Altered Development that changes the way a traumatized, maltreated infant-child physiologically forms its body-brain (no choice on this matter) I understand that the altered development happens in direct response to the overwhelming stressful challenges of its earliest harmful environment.  These changes, because they happen IN THE BODY and to the body absolutely affect how an individual experiences its entire life.

I believe that there are degrees of change that automatically affect a survivor’s range of free will-choices because the body-brain itself has been prepared for primarily one thing:  Physical survival in an incredibly hostile world AT ALL COSTS.  Unless and until such a biologically programmed person can achieve a stance of truthfulness about what happened to them that changed their physiological development in the first place, and about how those changes affect how they live their life with every passing moment in time and space, it is the ‘lower’ or animal side of their nature that will govern their life.

Rules of GOOD do not rule this animal side of our nature.  All that is GOOD belongs to and comes from the spiritual realm of existence.  When the GOOD is missing – well, humans are capable of doing BAD that is nearly beyond imagination.  Here enters the concept of  ‘evil’ as it manifests the absence of GOOD – or higher human nature qualities.

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It strikes me that these passages I mentioned above are making clear that the ONLY starting place for any of us to begin to examine how we live in relationship to how our Creator wants us to live happens at the point where we allow truthfulness – itself being a primary spiritual quality – to enter into our consciousness.  I can say without any question that my mother lacked the ability to do this.  Her truth existed in her altered vision and experience of reality.  According to HER version of reality everything that she ever did was RIGHT.  Her body-brain had not formed in such a way that she could detect, let alone experience, any other version of reality.

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Harshness in the early environment of a rose is not going to turn it into a mean and dangerous creation.  Harshness in the early environment of a human being can – and does – do this.  While it is certainly possible that people who were given an excellent infant-childhood can make incredibly harmful choices and decisions, my concern will always primarily be with people who make those decisions because their biology was changed in their earliest development that caused them – on their deepest levels – to become nothing more than a single-point-of-focus I-will-survive-at-any-cost BODY of a human being.

Here I entertain the thought that it then becomes the responsibility of the society people live within to find the truth about Trauma Altered Development and then to act on it in a responsible and GOOD way.  Education and intervention from the outside not only CAN begin to bring the light of truth into the lives of trauma-altered people – it WILL bring it.

NOBODY ever brought the light of truth to bear upon my mother’s life – EVER.

Some people (perhaps many) do not believe that there is such a thing as ‘truth’.  Instead they might say “Everything is relative.”  I believe there is TRUTH and that it is described for humans by God.  Because ‘religion’ has always been progressive over time, and God has sent us ‘Messengers’ over time that have described both the enduring Truth and the age-appropriate instructions for living our lives, it has always been humankind’s choice to listen-follow-obey or not to.

But I see from my perspective that there ARE exceptions along the range of ability to know ‘the truth’ that stem directly from trauma alterations to physiological development that change a body-brain so that it knows and responds to the oldest biological imperative that there is:  I will survive at all costs.

This is, fundamentally, what my mother did.  How her biological imperative came to include all but destroying me – I believe – can truthfully and accurately be explained, described and understood.  I do not believe it is a mystery that defies explanation.  While I still struggle about coming to my own definite conclusion about how I feel about my mother, neither have I wavered in my 59 years of life from making a pretty good guess that my mother did not have any other choice but to act the way that she did BECAUSE nobody on the outside intervened.

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Humans are always engaged in ‘building up’ or in ‘sinking down’ – either to our higher spiritual nature or to our lower animal nature.  In cases like my mother’s her instinctual animal survival BODY had such power over her that what should have been her more highly evolved options did not exist for her.

There is only one place I can go in my thinking when I think about my mother because I believe it is within this realm of ‘mothers who kill their children’ that my mother’s truest biological trauma-altered in their earliest physiological development kin would be found.  The fact that this is a grim picture of possible reality does not make it any less true – or real.

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Mothers Who Kill By Mark Gado

Women Who Kill Their Children — 11 Women Are on Death Row for Killing Their Kids By Charles Montaldo, About.com Guide

Mother Kills Son And Daughter For Being ‘Mouthy’ By TAMARA LUSH

Child Murder by Mothers: A Critical Analysis of the Current State of Knowledge and a Research Agenda By Susan Hatters Friedman, M.D., Sarah McCue Horwitz, Ph.D., and Phillip J. Resnick, M.D.

When Parents Kill — Why fathers do it. Why mothers do it. By Dahlia Lithwick

Parents Who Murder

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From my point of view, and in the interest of what is most likely the truth, every parent who kills (and those who severely abuse infants and children) suffered from trauma altered development so that their physiology was drastically changed.  I have do doubt that if my mother could have ‘gotten away with it’ that she would have killed me (except she also needed me alive to work her own ‘troubles’ out on!).

What matters to me is that society at large has the obligation – and it is a spiritual one – to discover the truth about how early severe infant-child maltreatment operates in tandem with biological mandates for survival to create human beings who live in a different reality than ‘ordinary’ or ‘normal’ that other people live in.  Their reality IS ordinary and normal TO THEM because their trauma-changed body-brain says that it is.

I will never waste my time to read anything anyone says about parents who murder their children because I already know that in nearly all cases the evolutionary power to change the development of such a person during their own malevolent early years will not be included in these considerations – therefore the truth is being left out.  It is ONLY by considering the information presented by researchers such as Dr. Martin Teicher that the truth can be known about terrible parents.

If we do not choose to consider the facts as they are becoming known about Trauma Altered Development and the degrees of changes it creates in a growing body-brain during especially the first 33 months of life we are choosing to participate in the lie rather than the truth.  I choose not to walk down the pathway of ignorance.  It does not lead to the goodness I wish for myself – or for the larger world I am a part of.

Biologically programming a human being for survival-at-all-costs in the worst of worlds has devastating consequences for many survivors of this process.  This is what happened to my mother.

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I am going to write this post this morning – because I don’t want to.  I mean, I REALLY don’t want to!  The truth of the matter is that I am deeply in love with a man that is most likely suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  Being in love with this man for the past 11 years, and remaining in love with this man – no matter what – has of course allowed suffering in the present to merge powerfully with all the suffering I know from the past.  And yes, being raised as the central target of my Borderline Personality Disordered mother severe abuse for the first 18 years of my life has no doubt vastly contributed to this ‘predicament’ I remain in.

It is very hard for me to approach this target without feeling greatly ashamed of myself!  It is very hard for me to ‘let myself off of the hook’ – in any way – regarding this matter.  I obviously have not extricated myself emotionally from this mostly non-relationship.  I love this man – and that is that.  No amount of effort on my own behalf, no amount of intellectual propping myself up with the facts about myself (or about what I see in him) has lessened my insecure attachment to THIS man at all!

Someone very close to me simply tells me, “He lives entirely within a bubble of his own making.”  Looking at this fact head-on tells me she is exactly correct.

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Research shows that NPD men seem most likely to target their rage at heterosexual women.  That this rage operates with manipulation based on a need to maintain ‘supremacy’ and control is not surprising.  That these kinds of patterns are very familiar to me from my own abusive history is not surprising, either.  That I have high tolerance to remain focused on this man DOES surprise me at the same time I feel this shame and disappointment in myself for being in love with my very own ‘specimen’ NPD man.

This article online is very clear about the patterns that are familiar to me and perhaps some of my readers:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – How to Recognize a Narcissist

Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?

In order to “qualify” as a narcissist, a person must meet some or all of the below criteria:

• Inability to [display] empathy
• Expects special treatment
• Feeling of entitlement
• Inability to admit that he or she is wrong
• Inability to receive criticism
• Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
• Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behavior of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist
• Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
• Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
• Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back)
• In the beginning of the relationship idealizes one’s partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love. However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become cold and uncaring, even cruel.
• Is often untruthful and due to this often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge “crime”), inability to emphasize with the cheated partner and the need for admiration (narcissistic supply).
• Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to the current needs of a narcissist. For example, if the spouse of a narcissist is cheating on a narcissist, the spouse is considered to be dishonest and bad person, whereas if a narcissist is cheating it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply “fell in love” and followed his or her heart. Double standards also apply to other areas in life.

Read more HERE

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This man I love has himself very grounded in the material world (and does not display overt rage).  Whatever ‘grandiosity’ he displays happens in ways that only those people closest to him are truly exposed to.  Most of what ‘the public’ can see seems perhaps over-the-top in terms of ‘ego’ expression, but not beyond ‘reason’.  In the end this man most likely shares patterns of Trauma Altered Development caused by early infant-child neglect/abuse/trauma/maltreatment like I do.

“A child who grows up in a disturbed home may enter the adult world emotionally injured. Without having developed strong bonds, he is self-absorbed and indifferent to others. The lack of consistent discipline [abuse is not consistent discipline] results in little regard for rules and delayed gratification. He lacks appropriate role models and learns to use aggression to solve disputes. He fails to develop empathy and concern for those around him.”  Read more HERE

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For all the information about NPD and the brain, for all the information that shows that NPD lies along the same Personality Disorder spectrum that Borderline does, for all the information that can show a link (in my opinion) between all the personality disorders and insecure attachment disorders, it is probably the information that talks about the development from early in childhood of the NPD person’s FALSE SELF that most helpfully gives me an opportunity to better understand how my own ‘dis-abilities’ operate in cooperation with this man’s.

Doing an online Google search for the terms narcissistic personality disorder false self leads to a host of pages that discuss this topic.  The first page of this search states:

Basics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

What is the false self?

“The simple answer is it’s whatever the Narcissist wants it to be. In essence whatever mask they can use to hide the insecure and damaged part of themselves to obtain the narcissistic supplies they need to support an inflated view of themselves.

“The more complex answer is that the false Self is a protection mechanism against attack from the outside world. The Narcissist may suspect that something is wrong in their make up but they choose not to investigate the source of their insecurities and fears, they deny their feelings because it would mean they are not perfect. They don’t want others to see their defects because if they are pointed out it casts doubt on the grandiose image they have of themselves. Hence the development of a false Self that they and others can respect, admire and “love”. This is what their childhood has taught them, if they always behave as expected people will perceive them as special. If they show them their faults they are not special and others will deny them their respect, admiration and “love“.

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For all the information that exists about NPD, what matters most to me is that I believe I DO KNOW that the false self of this man (as with the false self that I still believe my BPD mother displayed throughout her lifetime which included unbelievable abuse of me) is NOT the true self.  It is the true self that I have been especially formed to be able to detect – and evidently to love.

The pain I experienced (and still do to degrees) because of my emotional involvement with NPD stimulated me to begin my own search into the truth of my own Trauma Altered Development nearly 8 years ago.  What I understand today is that my own insecure attachment system is NEVER turned off – and it is the operation of my continually activated insecurely attached OWN body-self (to put this most imply) that creates my pain – NOT this man and not my affection for him.

The other significant contributing factor to this whole picture for me is that I believe that while all people who have a Dismissive-Avoidant insecure attachment do NOT develop NPD, I am willing to bet that all people with NPD do have this form-pattern of insecure attachment – AS DID MY FATHER.  Interacting with a Dismissive-Avoidant insecurely attached man is therefore very familiar to me.

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I simply know that the fact that I will never live with a man I am not married to (and this man will never marry again and does have a live-in woman) I am spared from the major impact of NPD.  At the same time I very much remain ‘in the learning ground’ about my own self related to my great – and very true – affections for this man.  All my difficulties that I experience are my own.  I do not hold him responsible for any of them.

To continue my own growth and development I DO need to work toward finding out my own truth, no matter how difficult that might be.  Being able to accept myself (and him) without shame-filled condemnation is a part of this process.  Writing this post is a step in that direction.

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