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I am going to write this post this morning – because I don’t want to. I mean, I REALLY don’t want to! The truth of the matter is that I am deeply in love with a man that is most likely suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Being in love with this man for the past 11 years, and remaining in love with this man – no matter what – has of course allowed suffering in the present to merge powerfully with all the suffering I know from the past. And yes, being raised as the central target of my Borderline Personality Disordered mother severe abuse for the first 18 years of my life has no doubt vastly contributed to this ‘predicament’ I remain in.
It is very hard for me to approach this target without feeling greatly ashamed of myself! It is very hard for me to ‘let myself off of the hook’ – in any way – regarding this matter. I obviously have not extricated myself emotionally from this mostly non-relationship. I love this man – and that is that. No amount of effort on my own behalf, no amount of intellectual propping myself up with the facts about myself (or about what I see in him) has lessened my insecure attachment to THIS man at all!
Someone very close to me simply tells me, “He lives entirely within a bubble of his own making.” Looking at this fact head-on tells me she is exactly correct.
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Research shows that NPD men seem most likely to target their rage at heterosexual women. That this rage operates with manipulation based on a need to maintain ‘supremacy’ and control is not surprising. That these kinds of patterns are very familiar to me from my own abusive history is not surprising, either. That I have high tolerance to remain focused on this man DOES surprise me at the same time I feel this shame and disappointment in myself for being in love with my very own ‘specimen’ NPD man.
This article online is very clear about the patterns that are familiar to me and perhaps some of my readers:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder – How to Recognize a Narcissist
Are you in a relationship with a narcissist?
In order to “qualify” as a narcissist, a person must meet some or all of the below criteria:
- Inability to [display] empathy
- Expects special treatment
- Feeling of entitlement
- Inability to admit that he or she is wrong
- Inability to receive criticism
- Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
- Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behavior of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist
- Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
- Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
- Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back)
- In the beginning of the relationship idealizes one’s partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love. However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become cold and uncaring, even cruel.
- Is often untruthful and due to this often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge “crime”), inability to emphasize with the cheated partner and the need for admiration (narcissistic supply).
- Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to the current needs of a narcissist. For example, if the spouse of a narcissist is cheating on a narcissist, the spouse is considered to be dishonest and bad person, whereas if a narcissist is cheating it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply “fell in love” and followed his or her heart. Double standards also apply to other areas in life.
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This man I love has himself very grounded in the material world (and does not display overt rage). Whatever ‘grandiosity’ he displays happens in ways that only those people closest to him are truly exposed to. Most of what ‘the public’ can see seems perhaps over-the-top in terms of ‘ego’ expression, but not beyond ‘reason’. In the end this man most likely shares patterns of Trauma Altered Development caused by early infant-child neglect/abuse/trauma/maltreatment like I do.
“A child who grows up in a disturbed home may enter the adult world emotionally injured. Without having developed strong bonds, he is self-absorbed and indifferent to others. The lack of consistent discipline [abuse is not consistent discipline] results in little regard for rules and delayed gratification. He lacks appropriate role models and learns to use aggression to solve disputes. He fails to develop empathy and concern for those around him.” Read more HERE
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For all the information about NPD and the brain, for all the information that shows that NPD lies along the same Personality Disorder spectrum that Borderline does, for all the information that can show a link (in my opinion) between all the personality disorders and insecure attachment disorders, it is probably the information that talks about the development from early in childhood of the NPD person’s FALSE SELF that most helpfully gives me an opportunity to better understand how my own ‘dis-abilities’ operate in cooperation with this man’s.
Doing an online Google search for the terms narcissistic personality disorder false self leads to a host of pages that discuss this topic. The first page of this search states:
Basics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
“The simple answer is it’s whatever the Narcissist wants it to be. In essence whatever mask they can use to hide the insecure and damaged part of themselves to obtain the narcissistic supplies they need to support an inflated view of themselves.
“The more complex answer is that the false Self is a protection mechanism against attack from the outside world. The Narcissist may suspect that something is wrong in their make up but they choose not to investigate the source of their insecurities and fears, they deny their feelings because it would mean they are not perfect. They don’t want others to see their defects because if they are pointed out it casts doubt on the grandiose image they have of themselves. Hence the development of a false Self that they and others can respect, admire and “love”. This is what their childhood has taught them, if they always behave as expected people will perceive them as special. If they show them their faults they are not special and others will deny them their respect, admiration and “love“.
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For all the information that exists about NPD, what matters most to me is that I believe I DO KNOW that the false self of this man (as with the false self that I still believe my BPD mother displayed throughout her lifetime which included unbelievable abuse of me) is NOT the true self. It is the true self that I have been especially formed to be able to detect – and evidently to love.
The pain I experienced (and still do to degrees) because of my emotional involvement with NPD stimulated me to begin my own search into the truth of my own Trauma Altered Development nearly 8 years ago. What I understand today is that my own insecure attachment system is NEVER turned off – and it is the operation of my continually activated insecurely attached OWN body-self (to put this most imply) that creates my pain – NOT this man and not my affection for him.
The other significant contributing factor to this whole picture for me is that I believe that while all people who have a Dismissive-Avoidant insecure attachment do NOT develop NPD, I am willing to bet that all people with NPD do have this form-pattern of insecure attachment – AS DID MY FATHER. Interacting with a Dismissive-Avoidant insecurely attached man is therefore very familiar to me.
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I simply know that the fact that I will never live with a man I am not married to (and this man will never marry again and does have a live-in woman) I am spared from the major impact of NPD. At the same time I very much remain ‘in the learning ground’ about my own self related to my great – and very true – affections for this man. All my difficulties that I experience are my own. I do not hold him responsible for any of them.
To continue my own growth and development I DO need to work toward finding out my own truth, no matter how difficult that might be. Being able to accept myself (and him) without shame-filled condemnation is a part of this process. Writing this post is a step in that direction.
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Stop the Storm 