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Maybe if I can go down another level I can make some movement off of the dead-center feelings I described earlier.  How do I REALLY feel right now?  I feel great grief and sadness.  I feel lost, alone and hopeless.  Everything that happened last week seems like it happened at a great distance away from both me — and from reality.  I can no longer well-tolerate a world in which people do not offer their FEELINGS and emotions within the context of relating and in relationships.  THOSE kinds of human interactions feel dead to me.

I in part have to ‘blame’ the culture in which we all reside, the one that decided hundreds of years ago that feelings don’t matter, no does the body in which the feelings reside.  We live in a culture that tells us that FEELINGS themselves are not real!  That they don’t ‘have matter’.  That they ‘don’t count’.  Our culture-society seems determined to find all sorts of ways to erase feelings – bad plan in my thinking!

Feelings DO matter!  And I believe that’s the way humans are best designed – to be fully informed on all levels from the feelings we experience in our body as they are translated into verbal meaning through our brain-mind.  Without acknowledgment of feelings the most important information we have about our self in the world is left out and this most important information is then missing in our relationships.

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I am working today to pull my own self back into my own body.  It does me no good to ‘reach out’ to others in the way I am most prone to do — reaching outside of myself in my attempts to understand other people who are not clear to me.  This lack of clarity happens because I never built emotional information processing into my body-brain ‘correctly’ in the first place.   And because I do not truly understand LANGUAGE between humans.

Maybe last week was like ‘beating my head against the wall’.  Whatever that wall is, I am not the only one that put it there.  If other people choose to let their walls exist — and wall of their emotions — I want to learn to be perfectly OK MYSELF when they do that!  Yes, I end up feeling like I am losing relationships when I can’t detect that feeling-felt feeling within myself AND when I can’t detect that others are feeling it.  The lost-lonely-sad feelings I then feel are MINE and have nothing to do with ‘them’.

These people who came here live a long way away and will not be back for a long time, at best.  I suppose if we were in proximity of one another more often perhaps I would understand these patterns more easily.  Or not!

What matters to me is that I don’t like feeling unbalanced and so lost like I do today.  I can’t find my own firm footing.  Understanding them is not the point right now.  Understanding myself better is.

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Today’s earlier posts:

+INFANT ABUSE AND NEGLECT: THE PERVASIVE IMPACT OF ‘WHAT IS MISSING’

+’DEPERSONALIZATION’ AND ‘DEREALIZATION’ – HOW CLEAR AM I ABOUT THE SOURCE OF THESE ‘SENSES’?

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