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While sitting around alone drinking 450 ml of barium in water with your loved ones 1700 plus miles away so you can go get scanned to see if cancer is back or not might not be fun for anyone, for me I DO believe that this is ‘worse’.  Worse than WHAT?  Worse than for WHOM?  Worse WHY?  Worse HOW?

I believe it’s worse for me as a severe early trauma and abuse survivor BECAUSE there really is no clear assembled self-within to help me through this.  Mostly that means that FEAR rules at the same time WORDS disappear.  It’s very hard to THINK without words, I don’t care what anybody else says.  Thinking without words makes any struggle harder as far as I am concerned — this “I” who has to work very hard to be a form out of this puddle of FEELINGS that swirl and swallow the ME that has to be here moving forward in time and space – waiting waiting waiting through the moments of this life in this body.

This ME says, “Just DO something.  Anything.”

This ME says, “Doing things is how you know you are alive.  It’s how you know you exist.  If you DIDN’T exist, you could DO anything, could you?”

Do something.  Put my fingers on this keyboard, watch the screen in front of my eyes.  Words appear.  “I” put them there.  So there!  That means I AM HERE!

When I stop putting the words up here the words disappear again inside of me.  All gone, like the last crumb on a plate my word-thoughts disappear.

Again.  I don’t care what anybody else says.  Being a self and having a self is really really hard when words go away.  Thoughts go away when the words go away.  Nothing is left but the feelings.  Nobody is here then to be IN CHARGE of the feelings.  Runaway locomotive.  How does a locomotive run away anyway?  Either it’s on its track — or it’s not!  Seems to me.

Oh, well.  I know enough to know that time passes.  Time passes.  Time passes.  Time passes with or without thoughts!  With or without a self in the middle.  Time passes.

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