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My daughter and my 9-month-old grandson are down here visiting me in Arizona from North Dakota for three very short days.  I, of course, am in heaven as I bask in the delight of every single instant of their presence.  And in every interaction I observe between this most loving mother and the tiny growing person who is her son I am learning, learning, learning!

Yesterday as I waited in the lobby for my fuel assistance appointment I glimpsed a magazine picture of some primate specie’s mother and her infant.  The caption described how that mother would not put her baby down for the first four months of its life.  What has happened to humans in our culture that has made them actually believe that a baby under the age of one can be ‘spoiled’?  How bizarre.  How dangerous, and how bizarre!

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Knowing what I do now about human infant development I know that what I witness of my daughter’s interactions with her infant son are building the neuronal wiring of his brain along with its connection to the way his entire body (nervous system and immune system included) that he will live in and with for the rest of his life.  There is NOTHING on earth that could possibly match the job she is doing in its vital importance.  NOTHING!

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They are both snuggled under a warm down comforter on the big soft guest bed at the moment.  The little one was exhausted, but if there’s one thing that little person HATES it is sleeping!  His mantra must read, “WOE IS ME!  Sleeping is such GREAT SORROW!”  As I watched her take the time to tenderly sooth him into sleep (which of course can happen more easily because he has no siblings to be demanding his mother’s attention) I noticed that even with his eyes glued shut in near-slumber his tiny fingers continued to move and their stillness marked his final succumbing passage into his much-needed state of sleep.

As I silently witnessed the half hour process that baby and mother were engaged in I could see how she is my grandson’s external EMOTIONAL regulator at the same time she is helping him gain his own physiological abilities to regulate his emotions AND his body.  Both are intimately intertwined and at this stage of his development are also intimately intertwined with his mother’s assistance at regulation that he will eventually be able to accomplish on his own.

But NOT YET!  He needs his attachment to his mother — and reciprocally her attachment to him — to continue his growth and development as much as he needs air to breath.  When he needs her, and returns to the snuggles of her most-loving embraces I watch as he DEVOURS her presence with ALL of his senses.  His entire BEING is engaged in relationship with her.  I do not believe that it is possible for an infant to be more safely and securely attached to his mother than my grandson is to his.

There is NOTHING — NOTHING — on this glorious earth of ours that could make me happier than to know this!

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As my grandson so struggles NOT to sleep, no matter how tired he his, I can at the same time clearly see four power-full characteristics within this infant that I can rest knowing will NEVER be taken away from him by his parents:  His desire (passion), his will, his determination and his stamina.

He WANTS and DESIRES to be most actively engaged with everything in his world.  He has great WILL that HE can make continuous active engagement possible at the same time he is determined that what he desires can happen if he applies himself — ENOUGH!

Of course at his young age he cannot yet mediate any of these streams of his life force consciously, but as he gains increasing ability to regulate his own body-brain-mind-self he will be able to.  He must have his early caregivers ‘carry’ him through his first critical stages of growth and development until he can.  His caregivers are literally sharing his life with him at the same time he can ‘borrow’ from them all the appropriate regulatory functions that a big body has and a little one doesn’t.

What my grandson’s parents have given this baby so far SHINES from his entire being with true joy and a love for human interaction.  His ability to communicate with his mother is comprehensive and complete.  She guarantees to him a safe haven from which he can continue to expand himself into the world around him.

I notice that many of the most important interactions between mother and infant happen (as Dr. Allan Schore describes) in the millisecond-speed range.  I placed myself 8′ away from him on the living room floor and invited him to come to me.  At nearly the speed of light he turned his head backward toward his mother, located exactly where she was, caught her smile, her nod and the look in her eye — INSTANTLY — as he received all the information he needed to begin his movements toward me.

The word ‘stanchion’ comes to mind.  She is his safety and security ‘prop’ at the same time she is the ‘archway’ through which he is growing into his own body and his own self.  All of these interactions are BUILDING him on all his levels — literally within his physiology.

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My daughter is a more than full-time worker.  Her son has primarily been cared for by his father when she is gone, sometimes by a part-time babysitter, but at 9 months of age it is CLEAR that his primary attachment is with his mother — as nature intends it.  From now until he reaches about-age-one his primary attachment to his mother will matter THE MOST no matter where he is physically in relationship to her.

His INNER attachment to her, the patterns of rupture and repair created by his distance and nearness to her will continue to build themselves into the body-brain-mind-self platform within him that will govern his THOUGHT patterns, his stress-calm response system patterns, and how many of his genes will manifest themselves for the rest of his life.  My grandson is most importantly building his relationship with his MOTHER into himself at the same time the nature and quality of that primary relationship is BUILDING HIM.

My greatest joy is that everything is happening optimally for this little new human being.  At the same time I know that everything that is going so right for my grandson and my daughter is showing me what went so wrong between my mother and me.

Never did my mother peacefully sleep with infant me wrapped in love beside her.  My daughter asked me if it makes me feel sad to know all of this now.

No, I honestly don’t think that it does.  I believe I have cleaned my ‘mother-daughter’ house so well now that all that is left are the facts — the reality of what went so wrong for my mother as an infant changed her into the monster that could not mother me.

What matters to me is on the side of the positive:  What is necessary for mothering an infant to go RIGHT?  What happens when these necessary factors are missing in a mother-infant relationship is a tragedy that was/is nearly ALWAYS preventable.

THAT is what matters to me.

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