++++++++++++++++

Minimal background for this 1957 letter:  My father went to Alaska ahead of his family in June 1957 to work, get enough paychecks to rent a house so he could send for us.  Mother remained behind with four little kids in Los Angeles area.  They had NO budget to make this move.  All depended on a check my father was supposed to get for unused vacation pay from the job he left behind in California which did not show up when promised.

This is a classic Mother letter to my father (who did not let her buy a new car OR drive to Seattle).   The state of mind my mother was in when she wrote this letter and while she experienced the events she described was a common one within our family.  [fyi:  Charles is my mother’s brother, her only sibling, two years older than she was.  The four children she’s hauling around here are ages:   just turned 2, just turned 4, almost 6 (me), and just turned 7.  Geeze, a little ‘trauma drama’ going on here, perhaps?]

A note on my mother’s constant moving:  Best I can figure my parents made 5 major moves in the first 7 years of their marriage.  Then they sold their house in Glendora prior to my father’s move to Alaska and we moved into a motel.  Father went north.  Mother moved from that motel with the four of us into another motel, then into a ‘cute little house’ she is moving out of in this letter (stayed about a month there).  She moved into Grandmother’s (in this letter), then (in this letter) up to a mountain cabin for a week, then back to stay at Grandmother’s (where more hell breaks lose), and then I think into one more motel – all in the 8 weeks since my father had exited the California scene until she and kids flew to Alaska July 31, 1957.  (I had an fascinating insight into my mother’s life of moving – but too tired now after work on letters today to ‘tell’ – later!)

Grandmother’s car — and yes, she was The Little Old Lady from Pasadena

— and in case you are wondering, this letter is a wonderful example of a disorganized-disoriented insecure attachment disorder in full motion!

++++++++++++++++

July 14, 1957 Sunday [This letter is undated, does not begin with a greeting, is written from Crestline the night we got up to the mountains for a week]

I wish I could write you everything that has transpired with me since I started seriously moving but once again it’s far too late – I went to bed at 2:00 last night and it must be at least that by now!

Vacation?  Ha, ha, ha.  Will I ever get settled again — ?

We had dinner – the poor darling children – at 10:00 P.M. tonight in Crestline and that was hours ago.  (I’ve spent the last hour busily spraying ant poison around).

I waited upstairs (?) it’s really more of a loft – until the children fell asleep.  We were so crowded (ha, ha again – sardines have nothing on us) there was not enough room for us let alone the play-pen (in the car) and Sharon is on a big bed – Anyways when I came down poor Mother had fallen asleep and was so tired she never knew she soon would’ve been eaten alive and owes her very life to me as there were hundreds of large ants all over her.  (The children had gone to the cupboard in fact the poor baby had passed out graham crackers to the starving children at 9:30 P.M.) and I guess the ants were attracted.

I found a spray and have been spraying all over – they’re even in the bath-room.

Oh – where can I start.  We have had such a time!

This is a disconnected letter as I read it over and it’s no wonder.  I am dead on my feet from tiredness but still want to write you.

I’ve lifted and hauled for days – I never saw so much stuff.  I thought I’d been so smart getting everything over to Mom’s by degrees – trunks etc. but when I finally got to the actual moving I still had carloads.

Mother was so busy two days before I moved I couldn’t use her car but sent things over with her.

As I wrote I decided to stay one more night in Glendora but still had to make another trip Saturday to Pasadena with the car loaded.  There wasn’t room for any of us – John, Cindy and Linda were on their knees all the way and we had to keep stopping the car so they could stretch!  L  Really I have never seen such a load – and that was after the things went to storage.  Moving!  Ugh!

I was so upset Friday night with Charlie’s nastiness that I had lost all of my enthusiasm for coming up here – or going away with Mother.  I am tired of her excusing him – there’s no excuse!  I know she’ll soothe me and then him. – and it just doesn’t work any more and only provokes me more.  I see so little of my brother and speak so little to him, he knows he won’t see much of me and to have him talk to me like that – was awful.  I reacted in 100 ways – none of them complimentary to him, I assure you.

It makes me so mad to think I can’t depend on him at all to help me or to lean on and not even to be courteous!!

I could go on and on but what’s the use.  I only wanted to leave.  I told Mom I didn’t want to go away now with her that she better stay with them and make things up because after all I would be leaving soon.  It didn’t bother her or Carolyn abit – I have no respect any longer for them!!  How can they let him act that way and go on so sweetly.  I can’t.  No wonder I’ve been on the defensive with you, my darling, times when you meant no harm – I feel as if I cannot take that treatment – I had so much I put up with before I was married from him and always Mother giving in, giving in to HIM.

Oh I’ll be so glad to come to you – I ache for you my darling, will I ever be close in your arms again.  I want you to hold me tight again.  I’ll never be happy here or anywhere until then.

I had no choice but to come here.

No money, no house, no car – It’s an awful feeling, I hate it.

I don’t want to be in debt again – but I am so tempted to buy a car and start driving to Seattle as soon as I get that check.

I’m not having my mail forwarded.

We didn’t even get here until 8:00 tonight – and started out at 9:00 this morning.  What an awful miserable time.  I would be blissfully happy to leave now for Alaska – how will I wait.

Well, at least you now know of my move – it took almost all day Saturday to get that house emptied, the children of course are harder to manage when Mom is there – oh, it was awful.  Then I had to clean it – and it was late afternoon when we got to Mother’s.

Then I had to unload everything – the car full.  I gave the children baths and went down to look at Riviera couches and as I wrote bought a set – returned, put the children to bed (oh, I did feed them) and stayed up until 2:00 working on that stuff.

I packed and sealed six large boxes and one extra large and put them in Mom’s cellar.  Packed our suitcases, the large trunk over, and have more boxes to do when I get back.  One of her upstairs closet [sic] is full and locked!

Where does it all come from?

I had to return to the Riviera store to change my fabric – as I noticed it was too thin and wouldn’t wear well.  I got a heavy knobby fabric now in grey, black and brown for couch and coral for the chair.  It sounds dull but it’s very nice.  I’ll put bright cushions on it and the coral is lovely.  I thought they’d fit in our Alaskan home better – blend with the house – environment and still fit anywhere later.  It’s very heavy and washable, I think the extra cost will be worthwhile as we know how much reupholstering costs!  I’m so anxious for you to see it.  It was so hard to decide I brought it home and returned it today!  I looked and looked – really I must’ve spent hours deciding.  It’s partly what kept me up so late last night!  I know how you must’ve felt about the house I think and hope it’s what you would have picked for our house.  The other fabric had gold threads too, which made it too dressy.  * Be sure to send me the room size right away for a rug.

The furniture will be added in two weeks to storage.  Maybe I should send you a night letter when it’s already.  Let me know.

Now I’m faced with a greater uncertainty – that of buying a car.  I would like to get one – as much as I hate the cost – as soon as the check arrives, use it for business here so I can be independent and drive it to Seattle right after things are completed here – altogether one week or six days after check arrives.  Until then I can’t do anything.

To get on with the events changing my mind – I must write you as tired as I am so you’ll know all this.

Well, today after returning fabric (I forgot to mention I still had too much for the car – six people today) we returned home and repacked suitcases.  Please visualize four children, two adults plus food (big item) and I want to use up my left-overs now!  Plus typewriter and Mom’s papers (You know that quantity) plus record player plus records plus bedding plus pillows plus linens plus toys!  Plus clothing for six and more too of course plus the turtle (the bird’s at home) thank goodness.

Finally after an hour of so more lifting and loading we were almost ready.  But, now I want you to know my brother and I had no angry words but I told him he was selfish to be so disinterested (it was late that night, the children were up – we still had to go to Glendora and I called to be thoughtful even though tired and see how they were and to say good-bye) and that I did not intend to bother him again if he felt that way and wouldn’t call or go up again!  I had hoped to visit with them alot next week and now it is all SPOILED.  I won’t even show them the pictures.  (Carolyn wasn’t much better).

Mom’s excuse this time is that he can’t bear to talk of Alaska etc etc.

— (This is all to explain the extra lifting) – but still he was cold-steel that night and there’s so much more and I am frustrated it takes so long to write and I’m tired.  But I got the feeling he would come to Mother’s.

I hate to say it a [sic] Mom was shocked I’d even think it – and destroy my (our) things – all my boxes, trunks – as he used to when he was a child and was mad [at her].

I couldn’t rid myself of the thought –

Mom says his work is slow, and Mom’s been talking of getting a new car and says he’s jealous of that etc. etc.

Well, I finally followed my terrible hunch and brought everything down cellar [sic] and locked the upstairs closet.

Of course that made Mom angry!  Oh D – I wish I were there with you.  I don’t feel now as if I’ll ever return here!!!

This has all hurt and upset me more than I can say.  Everyone is more interested in us than our families – that’s not love.  He can’t love ME – no matter how Mother twists it.

WELL we did get started (and arrived) as you can see but I wondered at times.  I feel I could never have had a more terrible time on the Alcan Highway then today with HER!

I told you she also has been looking and pricing cars.  She’s been told by her own garage man the last week that it would burn out her engine to drive up here etc, then she took it to Doran’s and he said it was alright and charged her 7.00.

She too has been torn between buying a second and potential trouble or a new one and large payments.  When Doran said it was O.K. we decided to take it up (she did all of the checking and only reported to me).  I hated to see her get a new car when she drives so little!  (She says she’s also ashamed of her old one in front of her clients) whereas I feel we will really get use out of one, dependability, comfort if we got one!

Well, we filled up on gas at Doran’s (darn Him) plus oil (it wouldn’t hold oil and a short time before I noticed a burning smell – I know zero about cars).  We asked him again but he said just to keep putting in oil.

It got so hot later I stopped and noticed a pool – flood, rather – of oil and drip, drip continued under the car.  We went to several garages – and they said we couldn’t drive it up [the mountain].  It needed a complete overhaul – so Mom (to my amazement) decided there and then to buy her new Ford.

Most all places were closed but we finally located one in Fontana where the poor tired, hot, disillusioned (they expected to be here yesterday, then today) and I waited.  We were there three hours just waiting.

She did buy one and traded in her old one.  It’s a dream – white and mint green – sedan!

But I was really stymied.  I didn’t want to drive up with her and wouldn’t touch her new car.

[“We” is crossed out]  I unloaded all those D – things again trying to watch four children too, and reloaded (it was awful) and my back kills me now and the real nice, young salesman drove us clear up here.  His wife who’s expecting in two weeks and his mother followed and drove him back.  (We didn’t even know how to drive it – he showed us but it’s different and takes some getting used to).

Oh, Bill we laughed over it all but with tears close!  There sits the car!  I don’t want to drive with her and I don’t feel free to go anywhere now, even to the Lake.  She’s so nervous anyways but NOW – ye Gods!

I have umpteen errands to do when I get back, stuff to take to storage etc. and how?  Oh, Bill – will all this ever end.

After all this 0 those darling children were angels – no lunch, no nap – nothing but upsetting experiences and still good.

I know the slightest childish noise disturbed her when we got here.

I’ve tried to get her to return to Pasadena and come back and get me but she won’t. – What will I do now?  And who will drive us back to Pasadena?

Her car is smaller in the back seat and between the seats and the stuff won’t even fit back in.  He (the salesman) had to bring some up.  Maybe with the good gone there’d be enough room.

I know she’ll be upset if I drive it and mad if I take a bus home.  Oh Bill – I am desperate.

I had an idea then and went in after she was through and talked to him about a station wagon.  He will give me ‘a better deal’ even without a trade-in than any other deal offerred [sic].  (I think he feels sorry for me – now!)

With only $350 down and 85.00 a month – Balance 2,490 (less than others) after down payment!

Why I couldn’t get any of the other dealers (I’ve been to over six) to give me that good a thing with a trade-in.  He’s just discounting.

What do you think?  If I had the check now I could order it, if I knew you haven’t bought one and think it’s right and will let me drive to Seattle (how can I stay at Mother’s now?)

I can’t even drive her car to the park – she’ll have appointments.  You can see the picture – please let me buy it and drive it.

Golly, we’re better off than her and still can give her some $.  I’m so mixed up – please advise me!

I would rather drive to Seattle alone than stay at her house now with the Cahills and her new car – situation as it’s.

She tells me she wants me to enjoy it and drive it but I know she’d have a fit if I did and there was a scratch on it!

I hope I am explaining everything.  I am so tired.

But as I said he could, providing I had down payment and he could get my color, deliver it here and I could drive myself home and then to Seattle.

I could and would.  (Mom can call down and see and would go get check if it was there)

Or I don’t know what.

Tonight I tried to drive it to the restaurant we have food but nothing for supper (things were so mixed up).

We decided to go – to drive with her.  It starts so fast and quick and the brakes stop so suddenly.  It’s automatic shift and is big.

Well, she persuaded me and I reasoned – it’s our four children’s danger against damaging only her car so I did!

I love the car, it’s truly a dream.  It glides, is easy to drive, beautiful to look at but big, different and frightening as it’s not mine.

We got there and back with no mishaps but what now?

Oh Bill – I feel so dependent now on the wrong people (I want to depend on you) when I want to be INDEPENDENT of them!  (I have no $ with me and have to ask her to loan me every penny and she write [sic] it down (so do I)

I HATE IT

We laugh at our craziness but underneath I feel a lack of something

Dearest Bill, I am miserable.  I love you so  — darling I wish you could fly to Seattle  and we’ll drive up together.

(You couldn’t could you?)

* Can you check to see how long it would take for space to ship the car from Seattle and how much for sure the cost would be?

Could you buy a jeep for yourself – or are they expensive?  Perhaps we could have both! –

Questions, questions –

I’ve gotten so I’m afraid to trust my judgement [sic] any more after all the past mistakes.

I’ll mail this tomorrow – somehow – I feel stranded and it should reach you Wednesday or Thursday.

If you want to give me permission to get a car wire me.

I could stay in Fontana a few days (car town) at a Motel and wait for delivery there.  (I’d rather).

I’ve had a bad taste of car trouble with ours and her old clunkers and I’m terrified of more up there.

You decide!!

If you wire me at post office (I’ll keep checking) Crestline – then I’ll have Mother bring me $.

I’ll pay 350 car and go to Pasadena, tie up loose ends and

LEAVE for SEATTLE and you.

Darling don’t worry I would rather be alone plus the children then anywhere else until I’m with you.

I have talked to many women who have gone on trips alone.  The other day I talked to a widow in Glendora, a school teacher who drove to California with three babies after her husband died – to the dismay of her family.  That was six years ago and she has made out fine.

Don’t worry and I wouldn’t if I had a new car and – I’d love the trip!

I love you!

(I might send this special delivery)

I’ll write you all about the cabin tomorrow.

I can’t wait to be with you!!!!

I love you

I love you.

Ben Wright promised this week it [check from Dad’s vacation pay at job he left in L.A.] would get here – It’s a shame we missed time we’re paid for here but maybe it’s just as well.  I love the mountains but there’s no yard, just hills and no transportation, really, now!

++++++++++++++++