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I believe that within the ending sentence of this story my mother wrote when she was ten years old (1935) lies a powerful clue to the continuing demise of my mother’s mind that led to the terrible abuse she was later to perpetrate against me as ‘the devil’s child who could do no right’ at the same time she relegated to my younger sister the status of being ‘God’s child who could do no bad’.

Both my sister and I became projections from her own disturbed externalized-mind.

From all the stories my mother told us from her own childhood, her mother also created a profound dichotomous split in her feelings toward and treatment of my mother as the ‘bad’ child and her brother as the ‘good’ one

I am presenting this post as my own response to my previous post

+THE TIN WOMAN’S BRAIN: INFANT-CHILD ABUSE AND DISSOCIATING EMOTION FROM FACT

because from my point of view my mother COULD NOT dissociate or differentiate ’emotion from fact’, while I, as the woman created in response-reaction to the profound continual abuse she perpetrated against me for 18 years experience an in-built (in response to developing a body-brain in my mother’s environment of terror and trauma) ability to certainly dissociate emotional information from factual information when my dissociation is triggered in reaction to stress/duress in the environment.

In what might appear to be a bizarre twist of consequence, I would suggest that my mother DID have one of the ‘organized’ insecure attachment patterns (extreme preoccupation) while I, in response to her insane abuse, ended up with primarily a ‘disorganized’ insecure attachment pattern.

My mother’s inability to differentiate or dissociate emotion from fact (although ‘fact’ was tied to her OWN reality) ended up creating within her brain-mind a condition that was designed to enable her to tolerate what would have otherwise completely overwhelmed her.  She was able to contain her own ‘rejected in-tolerate-able badness’ by including me as an externalized projection of her own mind by projecting all of ‘her badness’ onto me.  That entire process was about her EMOTION being absolutely and permanently confused with FACT (so that she could not differentiate between the two) — and I was forced to pay the price.  Her entire being was ‘organized’ around the profound splitting of good from bad that my mother was unable to recognize.

Neither I nor any of my siblings continued this good-bad splitting with our children.

Because my mother perpetrated continual horrendous abuse against me, I was not able to form an ‘organized’ attachment around anyone including my own self.  It’s like my mother was able to create and absolute vacuum that she placed me within that removed from me any ability to develop my own self whatsoever.

As a consequence, my body-brain was designed and built in this environment of trauma ONLY to ‘react’ to the continual threat, violence and danger that was my mother as I knew her.  I could not possibly ‘organize’ my own self within my environment or take anything but the most basic actions during the first 18 years of my life.  Everything else about me was a reaction to her abuse.

Nearly all my efforts to become an ‘organized oriented self’ and to take action on my own behalf as I grew up were thwarted with very few notable exceptions (my feelings about our Alaskan mountain homestead and my childhood-built ability to learn objective facts).  As a result, I have a ‘disorganized-disoriented’ and ‘reactive’ insecure attachment pattern.

I KNOW I suffered abuse ‘profound enough’ to ‘earn’ me my own diagnosis of the attachment patterns I describe here.  In part due to the ‘solitary confinement’ and extreme isolation my mother enforced upon me I suffer from the Reactive Attachment Disorder component of nonattachment.  (See:   Reactive Attachment Disorder in Adults and Child Abuse and Neglect, Reactive Attachment Disorder)  I react profoundly to all stimulation/information I am exposed to in my external environment.  I believe my mother’s reactions were to the universe created in her brain-mind well before she was old enough to write this story.

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Jane and Charles were sitting on the porch wondering what to do outside little snowflakes were playing tag about.

Jane looked up. Their was her mother she said come and get cleaned up. For we are going to call on Uncle Robert. The two children jumped up quickly for they know that he would tell them a story. They jumped into the car and drove up the snowy road the trees wer covered with snowflakes they stopped at a farm rover came to meet them he barked a welcoming. Uncle Robert got up from the chair where he was reading and met them at once.  Jane and Charles [she had Jimmy written in and crossed it out to put in Charles] asked if he would tell them a story he said yes they sat around the fireplace and Uncle Robert began.

Uncle Robert Tells a Story

He started long long ago a bear had three cubs their names were blackie curly and last of all mischievous this he was named because he was always up to some prank this time his mother was going away he told the three little cubs to stay in their cave blackie and curly did but Mischievous did not Blackie and Curly warned him. But this cub was like some children thought he know it all nothing can hurt me he said boldly he trotted down the path not knowing the danger ahead of him.

He looked around not knowing where he was going or thinking about it. He was following a trickling [actually written trickting] brook it was singing him a melody [actually written moldy] of bells.

The cub was so concerned on the music and tree and things around him that he did not [three letter word scratched out here] hear footsteps behind him a hunter was creaping along in the bushes on the other side.

Now let us see what is in the cave of mother bear blackie cub was badly frightened for he knew the dangers ahead of his little brother. Curly meanwhile was having a feast of berrys. Little footsteps entered the cave mother bear was home she looked around yes their was Curly and Blackie but Mischievous [she actually abbreviated this to Mis.] was no where to be seen. Oh mother bear cried where is my mischievous [again abbreviated to mis.] little cub curly cried I told him to stay. Blackie who was [misspelled crying here and scratched it out] crying hard said I told and told him but he said nothing would happen to him no time to cry there’s only time to hunt said mummy bear so out they all went to hunt for Mischievous [again, mis.].

Mischievous [mis.] did not know that they were hunting for him all he thought about was where the little running brook stopped and of how many berries he could [spelled correctly after written wrongly and crossed out] eat the hunter was thinking about how he could catch little Mischievous [Mis.] without harming him, for he wanted [written wan’t] to catch Mischievous [Mis.] and put him in the zoo [spelled zo] for he know he would get a [crossed out and rewritten] lot of money for him.

Oh mother and Blackie and Curly saw the hunter and all three jumped right infront of him for they all three saw Mischievous [Mis.] and that is why they all jumped right infront of the hunter oh he was so startled he jumped higher and quicker than Mother Bear Curly and Blackie had the hunter took head to heals and ran as fast as he had [word correction, crossed out and rewritten] jumped.

Now said Mother Bear, Mischievous [Mis.] come with me and ended Uncle Robert. I don’t think you would like to hear what happened in the cave that night but I will tell you I heard some little bear yells and I know that Mischievous [Mis.] name was changed to sonny bear and don’t you know why? I will tell you because he was always behaving his mother and being sunshiny to people.

[two duplicate sentences are written at the top of this next page that do not seem to be connected to the story:  A little boy came – is underlined, and again:  a little boy came, both sentences are surrounded with a pencil line circle]

Oh tell us another cried Charles and Jane Oh no we will have to go home now and that night Jane and Charles dreamt about bears and cubs Charles dreamt [that is written twice and crossed out before being written a third time] that they were being good and Jane dreamt that they were being bad.

Mildred

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[Charles was both my mother’s father’s name and her only sibling’s name.  Her brother was 2 years older than my mother]

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Links to the rest of my mother’s childhood stories:

• *Mother’s Childhood Stories — A Few Scanned Pages from Original
• *MY MOTHER’S CHILDHOOD STORIES WITHOUT COMMENTS
• +MY ANALYSIS OF MY MOTHER’S STORIES – PART 1
• MY ANALYSIS OF MOTHER’S CHILDHOOD STORIES – PART 2
• +MY ANALYSIS OF MY MOTHER’S STORIES – PART 3
• +NEWLY DISCOVERED – Mother’s 8 Year Old Story

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• +What I Suspect of My Mother’s Early Childhood
• +GRANDMOTHER’S SHORT AUTOBIOGRAPHY
• *Fascinating – Three Childhood Drawings of My Mother’s
• *1963 – July 1 – Mother’s Letter About the Death of Her Father
• *Links to My Grandmother’s Letters
• *1943 – Link to my mother’s senior high school picture
• +BOOK ON BORDERLINE BRAIN
• *1974 Mother’s account of her “Family History”
• *Written by mother on envelopes circa 1935 – strange

My mother’s full writings:  Hope For A Mountain

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[I hope the following links remain active — if not, search Google for pre-borderline (preborderline) child]

On the Borderline Child

The American Psychiatric Publishing textbook of psychiatry – Google Books Result

Robert E. Hales, Stuart C. Yudofsky, Glen O. Gabbard – 2008 – Medical – 1786 pages
These traumatic experiences appear to occur within a context of sustained neglect from which the pre–borderline child develops enduring rage and self- …

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The borderline psychotic child: a selective integration – Google Books Result

Trevor Lubbe – 2000 – Medical – 218 pages
In defining the defensive set-up of the borderline child from a Contemporary … described how a pre-adolescent borderline boy employed pseudo-congeniality, …

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Parent-child relations: new research – Google Books Result

Dorothy M. Devore – 2006 – Family & Relationships – 219 pages
But now these affective representations are organized (or in the case of a borderline child, can never be organized) and accessible in verbal utterances, …

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Borderline Personality Disorder Online Support Forums: Safe …

Mar 24, 2009 … The relationship between mother and pre–borderline child is often revealed to have been confrontational or even hostile.”

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core wound of abandonment – Borderline Personality Disorder, Self …

Many cases show an ongoing hostile or confictual relationship between mother and pre–borderline child.”In his book, New Hope for Borderline Personality …

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Personality disorders: toward the DSM-V – Google Books Result

William T. O’Donohue, Katherine A. Fowler, Scott O. Lilienfeld – 2007 – Psychology – 398 pages
… insensitivity to the pre–borderline child’s feelings and needs, and serious emotional discord in the family, perhaps leading to separation or divorce. …

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Severe Emotional Disturbance in Children and Adolescents

Part I: The Young Child. Internal Conflict and Growth in a Pre-school Child. Early Identifications in the Borderline Child. Part II: The Child in the Family …

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Coping with the Borderline Behaviour of Our Children – Borderline …

Jul 20, 2008 … How can we as parents cope with our Borderline children or adult-children? … on the infantile emotional nature of an ego-centric pre-teen …

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Borderline pathology in children and adolescents

by C Meekings – 2004 – Cited by 5 – Related articles
trauma in the borderline children suggesting that the experience of multiple traumatic events is more pre– dictive of borderline pathology than any singular …

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Child and adolescent psychiatry – Google Books Result

Michael Rutter, Eric A. Taylor – 2002 – Medical – 1209 pages
Studies of adult populations in relation to borderline personality disorder … study of pre-morbid adjustment, onset pattern and severity of impairment. …

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