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On the positive side of what I have been working my way through since the time of my birthday at the end of August I will write here about the benefit of what I have learned over time about how the two hemispheres of my brain actually work.  I can truthfully say, “I wish I had known many years ago that all of us actually have two different brains that are designed to gather information differently and then pass it back and forth between them to our benefit.”

Early infant-child severe abuse and trauma change our physiological development, as I have written about so many times on this blog.  But an apple is still an apple and not a fig.  The exact right brain I was given through my trauma altered development, and my left brain, and the way these two brain hemispheres operate together was DEFINITELY altered due to trauma during my development, but they are still exactly what they are:  my right and my left brain!

Now, through my recent years of study, learning and discovery I can FEEL how my brain operates.  I can detect its natural inclinations as I begin to be able to USE what these hemispheres can do at the same time I recognize their changes and limitations.

But, in focusing on the positive, I am so delighted to finally be able to USE my brain intentionally in ways I have never done before.

I understand now that it is my RIGHT brain, not my left (as it is with everybody’s) that has deep connections into my body and that gathers all the information my senses provide me.  This information is superbly crafted by my right brain into IMAGES.

My left brain, on the other hand, does not operate with the same information that my right brain does.  It does not have deep connections into my body and the information my body gets from senses about living in a physical world.

At the same time, just as my left brain is dependent on my right brain to gather this ‘sensing-feeling’ information as it forms images, my right brain MUST be able to pass what it knows over to my left brain so that it can be organized and made coherent.

The organizational abilities that the left brain has were built into our species through centuries of experience in sequencing actions that kept us alive.  The right brain does not have this sequencing ability.

Overwhelming trauma, especially early abuse during development, changes the development of our entire body-brain — but like I said, an apple is an apple and a fig is a fig.

So, now when I am faced with anything in my life I need information about, it is by paying attention to the IMAGES that my right brain has created from all the body-based, sensory and emotional information it has meticulously and expertly gathered that I can use to REALLY begin to understand how I am in the world.

Getting the right brain information in the form of images over to the left brain, and then improving what the left brain can do with this information, is actually more of an evolutionary advancement process than it is a healing one – although this IS healing.

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I can best detect not only the actual images my right brain has and presents to me but also the vital information contained in these ‘messages’ by articulating in a series of words (left brain).  This process organizes and makes coherent the information my right brain has.

I write about this today in connection to my recent concerns about transitions and transformations in relationships with people closest to me.  As I conversed with one of these people via email this morning, a powerful image was given to my left brain by my right brain.

I imagined that each of us (perhaps best described as a combination of our essence with our life force) is like a river.  Our river starts out at our conception as a little bubbling headwaters and grows through our infant-childhood from a trickle into an eventually powerful force of water to be reckoned with!

But our personal river never actually flows with ONLY its own water.  There is a mutual sharing of river water with others.  We often share a lot of ‘cross-water’  with those who are truly significant to us in our lives just as we share our river water with others.

In this river image I saw that we do all sorts of things with the water from our river.  We divert it off for recreation, to irrigate crops, to power mills, to help others in crisis, to encourage others.  Those of us from abusive backgrounds were never taught about our river or how to manage it.  In essence, that is what I am still learning about.

What happens to my river when my waters are mingling with other people’s river water that is toxic, contaminated, ugly, dangerous, or in any other way NOT GOOD FOR ME?  I want my river to be well mannered and controlled, though still wild and free.  I don’t want my plants and fish dying.  I don’t want a garbage-filled, oily toxic mess!  I don’t want to have my waters polluted.  And I am the ONLY one who can manage my own river waters.

So what I have been learning recently is that if there are times I find that my relationship with someone is too much like what I just described I can change the way my river water interacts with theirs.  I can close off channels to block toxins from entering my river and I can control how my water flows into their river.

If I close a channel off to another person I will then as a consequence have more water flowing in my river.  I will need to decide what to do with it.  Maybe it will just make my river wider and deeper so that by the time it opens out onto its downstream delta new rivulets will appear there.

But in this image what I want to see happen is for my river to be glistening and sparkling in the sun and moon light.  I want my river to sustain all life it contains and touches in a healthy way.  I want to be able to share the water from my river with others while at the same time I protect my river from any pollution coming into it from other people’s water.

I cannot truly affect the quality of another person’s river water.  Each of us have our own river to manage.  If there are times that I cannot freely share my water with someone without toxins entering my stream, I will have to defend against this pollution.  I have that right.  I have that obligation.  And I DO have the ability to do this.

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My left and right brain hemispheres are delighted to work cooperatively together to define the Rules of the River (which are the opposite of the Rules of Trauma):

Thou shalt assume full responsibility for the well-being of your river

Thou shalt maintain your river’s boundaries with good conscience and effectiveness

Thou shalt make wise, informed and careful choices regarding the use of your precious resource to avoid useless waste

Thou shalt share water with others when needed in healthy ways, including help and play

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Thou shalt not dump toxic waste into another’s river or in any other way attempt to overwhelm another’s river or force change upon it

Thou shalt not steal water from another’s river

Thou shalt not tamper with another river’s boundaries or attempt to alter its course.

Thou shalt not let fear interfere with the healthy management of all aspects of your river

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It strikes me that a very skilled and creative person could design a wonderful Facebook game to rival Farmville using this analogy!

In the meantime, this living image has become something I can use to assess my process of being in relationship with others in ever more healthy ways.  I can also use it to assess how I am taking care of my own self as I work to purify my river’s water from the toxins of trauma that were dumped into it through abuse and neglect early on.

This image tells me that we each only have one river in our lifetime.  Well, time is marching forward and I need to get busy with some river management of my own.

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