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I believe that child abusing parents ALWAYS have an insecure attachment disorder.  I also believe that it is most likely that either in the parent/s, in their parents, or in their grandparents alcoholism and/or drug addiction almost always exists.

I also believe that if adults struggle with either/or resentful bitterness or bitter resentment there is a very good reason why — and that reason nearly always rests firmly on an unsafe and insecure attachment platform in childhood that very likely contained abuse.

In light of the comment and reply included yesterday on the subject of hurt and bitterness, I simply wanted to make these points because I believe at least in the beginning of healing work from an abusive childhood that Al-Anon’s 12-step program (or any other relevant 12-step support group) has a LOT of solid help and information to offer.  I recommend it highly and suggest a weekly meeting and connection with a good sponsor.  If you go, attend at least six meetings before making a decision about your continued commitment — and before you try another meeting to adjust your ‘fit’.

I also know that healing is certainly possible for many people without these ‘meetings’, and that attendance does not have to be a lifetime affair (no matter what any meeting person might tell you).  But or those of us from abusive and nutty families, with and without the chemical (and other) addictions, we have a lot to learn about life that we didn’t learn when we needed it growing up.

I also know that nobody has all the answers!

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I also wanted to mention that I couldn’t continue thinking about bitterness and resentment today without beginning to get mingled ‘sense’ information for myself about what my BODY knows about them.  I therefore speak ONLY for myself – and encourage others to listen to their own body-talk to get their own information.

To me, resentment has a nasty oily kind of smell to it, while bitterness has a metallic sulfuric kind of smell.  Resentment has a sound like a low sustained growl, while bitterness has a sound (to me) that is high pitched, obnoxious and a whole lot like whining.

To me, resentment has a dark, dried blood red-brown-maroon color to it, while bitterness is a sick yellow-green tinged with black.

Resentment (to me) is tied to the fight stress response — and involves a continual sustained state of WANTING to find a way to fight back.  This is a nervous system response tied NOT to resignation, but to a search for competence and confidence to right a wrong.  (The nature of the wrong needs to be examined as does one’s reaction to it.)

Bitterness (to me) is tied also to the stress response system in the body, but it lies more toward the ‘giving up’ end or resignation and lost hopelessness.  It lies very close to despair — and will stay exactly STUCK there until a person can identify all the complicating feelings and factors that contribute to the LOSS and grieving, the sadness and despair that has sapped away rather than restored or built up one’s will to FIGHT.

What child abuse survivors with insecure attachment disorders DO NOT HAVE is (as I have said so many times) a balanced calm and connected, safe and securely attached MIDDLE SET point for their brain and nervous system.  From very early, early in life this middle point — set by abuse to be somewhere OTHER than where nature would best want it — that lies too far either toward aggression-fight or toward giving up.

We are human.  We live in a body.  Resentment and bitterness are anchored in our body as is everything else about us as long as we are alive.  I believe it is helpful to think in terms of color, smells, sounds — all the information our body knows about whatever concerns us.  We can explore this information and learn a LOT about our self, our woundedness, our reactions to our hurts, as well as begin to find our own clues about what to do next to improve our well-being.

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