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By the time my mother reached a month and a half of being in Los Angeles with my father in Alaska, my mother was at the end of her rope.  As I transcribed this letter this morning I can see that ANYONE would have been feeling the way that she was.

Unfortunately, all four of her children paid a price right along with her.  I can tell things had deteriorated and were REALLY bad for her to be ‘spanking’ her precious 2-year-old baby and her beloved 4-year-old – right along with me (nearly 6).  My parents should not EVER have taken on their ‘Alaskan adventure’ with absolutely NO resources.  My father headed to Alaska on the Army’s expense and had to wait for his paychecks to come in before he could even rent a house for his family to join him.

My mother, as she describes in this letter, was broke.  She had no car or home, and was staying at her mother’s house.  My parents had counted on a large check to arrive from my father’s Los Angeles place of employment that was SUPPOSED to have arrived no later than mid-June.  Here it is nearing the end of July and the check was still missing.

These were stressing and distressing times for our family.  It seems strange to find myself empathizing with my mother as I read these letters — placing in context her stated ‘spanking’ of her children.  One BIG problem with my mother’s version of spanking is that she always ‘lost control of her rage’ while she pounded on her children.  She was a big and powerful woman.  Her children were very small.  Her ‘spankings’ were beatings.

Although her violence was usually reserved for me as her chosen target, it is clear from this letter that this period of time was one in which all of her children were ‘fair game’ (though she does not specifically mention here ‘spanking’ my brother).

My mother was still waiting for Army orders that would allow her to take us to my father, but the house he had rented was not available for occupancy until the first of August.  As far as I can tell there are six more letters remaining to be transcribed that cover what happened up until the time we actually left California – and not one of them is from my father.  I have a feeling that at some point my mother destroyed them.

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July 25, 1957 postmark – California

Dear Bill,

I just got home from a ride to Fontana to get your letter.  I received yours telling me about it the day I left Crestline but knew it couldn’t have reached Fontana on Friday (?) so thought I’d call and have it forwarded.  Only they must have a signed request to forward mail so all the children and I went there today.

I am not going to pretend we’re enjoying ourselves now – we’re not.

Bill I tried so hard – believe me and I think I succeeded in keeping them happy in Glendora but ever since I joined Mother I’ve been plain miserable.  It isn’t all her fault – we just can’t be together constantly and live together.  I always knew it was an impossibility.  You can love a person and still not be able to live with them.

Now, today, the children have been TERRIBLE.  Tonight both Cindy and Linda were spanked and put to bed when we got home.  I tell you everything is haywire.  If only we could’ve left before – – – .  Cindy has constantly misbehaved and was so good all summer.  Grandma just doesn’t get along with her and now openly admits it.  Cindy and Linda had a grand time together and now fight constantly.  John hasn’t any toys or anyone to play with.  Sharon has been spanked twice (hard).  She’s more spoiled and fresh every day.  I try to forgive and overlook but I can’t any longer.  Tonight Cindy cried herself to sleep.

We’re all miserable.  You see if Mother was relaxed and a homebody and we could find peace here it would be different but as it is – well, it’s terrible and Mother can’t get her work done.

People call constantly for reports and she’s upset by all this too.  That’s why I took all the children today but they’re tired of travelling [sic], tired of sitting and being quiet.  Linda and Cindy haven’t been out-doors all summer and now even their dolls and toys are packed.

I tell you this is it!

I’ve inquired at Motels and can’t afford it!  I have no linens, no car, no money.  I am broke, Bill, broke.  Today you sent me 75.00.  I owe Mother so much $ it isn’t even funny.  The last 10 she gave me I paid 7.00 out of it to Parent’s Magazine or would’ve had to pay them full.  I got a notice your Life Insurance has expired – two payments are due.  Out of the $ you sent me I had – *Important – to pay Mayflower cash for these checks – you sign them and return them to me and I have to bring them back to Glendora for the money.  So return them immediately please.  Both signed!!!

The $140 I had to return – Bill that large check better come.

I agree with everything you said in your letter.  I will not buy a car.  I will fly and have made all inquiries – everything set – all I need (I checked with Miss Davies or son today at MacArthur- is [the Army] orders.  Bill she says they figure 30 days for furniture – I can’t wait.  I tell you I am coming as soon as I get the money and orders.  If I can’t come to Anchorage I’ll go to Seattle and wait there – I must get out of here.  If I stay at a Motel here Mom will feel awful so I’ll at least come to Seattle and wait there.

You said your letter was mixed up – well so is this but it’s 9:45 and I haven’t had any dinner.

I am more upset every day.

Mother is at her wit’s end.

The kids have been good, patient and sweet through all this and it hasn’t been fair to them and now they too, without knowing it, are fed up!  And I am not patient any more.  I too am tired —.

Besides missing you so I think I’ll die, I’ve been constantly in a state over money – as usual.  I can’t be independent and still constantly ask Mother for money.  It as usual, gives her the feeling of a Matyr [sic], “After all I do for you,” the right to tell me what to do and interfere with the children.

It’s all wrong – we were wrong many years ago and I have paid and paid and paid and I am still paying!  [lots of underlines here].  To have bought a new car would have been all wrong.  I want to be independent and leave here and I want a new car for us (but I’ll wait).  The only way to be really independent and proud again is to pay our bills off and stand on our feet again!

But meanwhile all of these things exist –

Must I spank the kids for 30 days now, fight with my brother and Mother – bear up with a smiling face while I wait – I can’t.

I am all alone, Bill – I need you – I must come to you – I can’t wait.

Bill, Bill, Bill.

Please, you haven’t explained your money situation to me.  I know nothing.  Last pay day I had the car money but paid it all out – I sent you the list – I’ll check later but I paid Edison about 50, the water, gas, Tolleson, McMahans, Sears, New York Live etc.  – Bill  I wondered if you had enough to pay the two months rent – you only sent me a small amount.

I thought this pay-day — I counted on at least 150.  Why, I have to eat, pay all those payments – especially Budget, Milk, and Phone – – – etc. – – – until I receive the large check.

Did you pay some of the rent out of the check?  Enlighten me and I’ll send you a list of what I owe Mother and what I’ve spent.

Today, for instance, I had to by shoes for Baby, Linda, Cindy and John.  Theirs were gone, really gone and so is my money.

Return these small checks and the 140 and tell me when I can expect more.  I realize now that my night letter last night is hopeless – but Bill as soon as the orders arrive can I come.  Must I wait until the furniture arrives to start?

The woman today said you have to authorize the furniture to leave, you may have already, but just in case she’ll send to me and I’ll send to you – papers to sign – and you return them to me.

– – –  Hum-m.

Long involved procedures – do they ever end?

I had to laugh a saleslady I’d known before said today “Well, you’re staying at your Mother’s – isn’t  that nice that you have your mother to take good care of you.”  I almost spit in her eye.

Oh Bill – I missed you terribly in Glendora but inside I felt good, right about things and now I feel mean to everyone.  All this business and strain here has finally told.  We all feel it.

Do you realize I haven’t been away from the children once (except for quick business) since you’ve left.  You don’t have that strain and it’s a strain, believe me!

We all feel it.

Bill tonight I’m not going to answer your letters – I am too weary and I’m too full of all this other.  It breaks me to have to be mad at the children and I don’t know what to do with them.  As I said before everything is gone to storage – I had no choice and the rest I take over tomorrow.  I figure it might leave Thursday or Friday and I have 2 or 3 more loads, which means trips and I have no idea how to get those trunks over there (loaded) and no $ to pay anyone to do it.  [Linda note:  These were the large wooden old steamer trunks.]

After I paid market $10 I had 65 – 3 pairs of shoes at 4.00 per pair = 12, 53 left (not even enough to pay Budget).

Please answer all this immediately.

Oh Bill I need you so!

As I figure last pay day you received 200.00 and gave me 50 leaving only 150.00.  Then you had to pay 304.00.  So from this pay-day you must’ve used another 150 for the rent.  Is that right and how much do you have now – enough to get by on, I hope, until that cused [sic] $ arrives from Water and Power.  [Linda note:  They were still waiting for the check to arrive for my father’s unused vacation when he left his job there with the city of Los Angeles.]

But you can understand I haven’t spent any money on recreation – it only cost 1.50 or 2.00 to go to the lake once and only about 1.50 for a movie yesterday.  All the rest has been living expenses.  I’ve paid bills with all our money and some of Mother’s and borrowed alot from her.  [letter ends here]

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