++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am going to take a shortcut here and refer to a comment posted today to +ONE OF MOTHER’S 1957 LETTERS – INVOLVING MY GRANDMOTHER that relates to what I wanted to post today:

“Your mother manipulated your father by making him the most important person in the world and telling him she could not live without him. Your father was an enabler in allowing your mother to behave the way she did without consequences. Your grandmother seemed to “call” your mom on some of her parenting decisions. Your grandmother “knew” your mom in a way your father never would or could for that matter. If your mother would not have moved away from grandma, she would never have been able to raise her family the way she did. I do not believe your grandmother would have permitted your mom to treat you the way she did. Your mom knew this fact, on some level. Interesting letter.”

++++

I admit to myself that for all the progress I have made toward understanding my abusive childhood, I still have very little to say about my father’s role as my mother’s enabler and as the co-conspirator to the dynamics within my parents’ home.  One thing I am certain of, however, is that my father was an abused spouse.

I am not going to distract myself by taking the kind of research path I would need to take in order to begin to understand what spousal abuse does to its victim.  My sister remembers the fights during our childhood where mother abused father.  I don’t.  They are in blocked memory storage and that is exactly where I want them to stay.

From my perspective, my own story is too big and to hard to tell, too complicated and awful to allow me much leeway for rambling far off of my path so that I could better understand my father. As a consequence, his place in this world of madness that was my childhood is still vague to me, and unless I live a very long time and run out of other things to do, as far as I am concerned he can remain a foggy figure in a foggy world.  I don’t have it in me to make either HIM clear or to make clear his role in the whole dang mess.

++++

All I want to do right now is post a letter of his that was among the 1957 letters I transcribed last night.  It wasn’t in its own original envelope, so it surprised me when I found it inside the envelope of another letter from a different time.

This is the very first letter my father wrote to my mother after he left her and us kids in Los Angeles and arrived in Alaska.  I simply present it here as it stands – a stand-alone letter – knowing at the same time that when this letter is taken into context with this entire 2-month letter writing campaign that took place between my parents while they were apart, a reader could begin to see the ‘I better say what Mildred wants me to say when I write to her’ process unfold.

++++

June 11, 1957 – Anchorage, Alaska

My Dearest Mildred,

I’m writing this letter now because I know you’ll want to know I got here OK.  But I hate to write right now because I wanted to write only cheerful letters, and I’m afraid this one won’t turn out to be very cheerful.  I’m so lonely and blue and depressed right now, I’ve got a lump in my throat and I just feel like H ____ .

Everything is fine as far as the trip up here is concerned, and I’ll tell you about that in a minute, it’s just that feeling I knew would hit me sometime or other.

I’ve given up so much to come here, left so much behind me, and I feel like a little lost child.  I’ll get over it soon, when I get on the job and begin to meet some people, but right now – today – I wish I’d never heard of Alaska.  I don’t know how long it will be before you’re letters catch up with me, and that makes things worse.  I think tomorrow I’ll be able to give you a better address, and then in four or five days after that I’m sure to have a letter.  J

To get back to my trip, I stayed last night at the Olympia in Seattle, then at 6:00 this morning I went to another place where I was picked up by an Army bus and taken to McChord [sp?} Air Force Base near Tacoma.  I got there at 8:15, and at 10:00 I was on the plane and taking off for Alaska (that magic name that I’ve talked about for so long).  It was raining in Washington this morning, although yesterday was a beautiful day; and we climbed rapidly to 19,000 feet.  From there we could look out over the blanket of clouds that covered the earth completely, and it was like that all the way until we hit the coast of Alaska where the clouds disappeared almost completely.

I had a good view of the country all the way from the coast to here, and it was beautiful.  There’s still a lot of snow on the higher mountains south of here, but very little on the ones I can see from here.  The weather here is pretty warm right now, very pleasant.  The trip took 5 ½ hours, but we gained two hours on the clock so it was only 1:30 when we got here.  It’s about 5:30 now, but it’s 8:30 where you are – that makes it seem even farther doesn’t it?  I reported in to the District’s Personnel Office, was sent to the Housing Office, and given a room.  I say room, and that’s about all it is!  A room with a cot, a closet, and a chest of drawers, and a chair, period.  If you ever had any doubts about me wanting to find a place for us to live you can be certain I’ll want to get out of here as soon as I possibly can.

I didn’t talk to anyone about my job yet, I’m to report again at 8:00 tomorrow morning for that.  And as soon as I get oriented on that I’m going to start inquiring about housing.  After I finish this I’ll go look for a place to mail it, and a place to eat supper, then I’m coming back here and go to bed.  It’s been a long day and I’m tired.  Tomorrow I’ll take a bus downtown and look around, and by tomorrow night I should be able to give you a lot more information.

I can imagine how things have been for you, and I’m sorry to burden you with my morose feelings.  But you can do the same with me and we can cheer each other up.

Please be careful of yourself, my darling, you mean everything to me.  I’ve worried so much about you and the children since I left, being so far away from you and out of touch for so long.  And I love you with all my heart and soul, Mildred, I wish I could write it better but you know how much.

I hope the roses got there on time, kiss each one for me and I’ll feel it across the miles.

I wish so much that we could be together, but someday soon we will be and then this will all seem like a dream we had.  Kiss each of the children for Daddy and know that I love you and think of you always, Bill

++++++++++++++++++++++++