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My parents 8th wedding anniversary was the day my father arrived in Anchorage (without my mother). To my knowledge, the house they were living in when the final move to Alaska began to take place (with my father going up there 2 months ahead of the rest of us), our family was already living in the fourth house since I was born (perhaps it was the 5th).
As I read this next letter of my father’s I am posting here, I wondered about how those first 8 years were for them as a couple. It was this statement my father makes in his letter that most caught my eye:
“I am proud of the way you’ve gotten along by yourself, and I worship you for the wonderful wife and mother that you are to me (and our children).”
I tend to think that if my father had been married to a woman who was healthy, my father might have been healthy. As it was, it seems the whole pattern of my parents marriage actually was one of continued disintegration. That they lasted as a married couple for 37 years before my father finally divorced my mother seems pretty amazing to me.
As I read these 1957 letters that they wrote to one another, I hear the echoes of what many in our culture might consider to be ‘romantic love’. I think that two people who can compliment one another in relationship is far healthier than when two people seem to complete one another – but I’m not in the mood for commenting at the moment – so, here’s my father’s letter:
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June 24, 1957 – Anchorage, Alaska
[Mother wrote in the top margin of this letter while apart from dad and living the winter in Tucson, Arizona in 1966: – “Sounds so much like now, only it’s 9 years later and tonight I’m bitter, lonely and can’t even write you – I can’t – it’s like an old record playing ‘yes later’ over and over.”]
Dearest Mildred,
Don’t worry any more about my not getting your letters – I got four again today, the latest one postmarked Saturday. All you need use for an address is: c/o District Engineer, Anchorage, Alaska. The box number etc. is the official address but it isn’t needed. I think by now I’ve received all the mail that you sent to the APO box number in Seattle.
Oh, my Darling, I feel so sorry for all the troubles you’ve gone through. I know how much has happened to you and how much you’ve had to do all by yourself. I feel so helpless, as though I was sitting here wasting my time while you have so much to do. I am proud of the way you’ve gotten along by yourself, and I worship you for the wonderful wife and mother that you are to me (and our children). This is a trying time we’re gong through right now, and I swear I’ll make it up to you for the rest of our lives. If you hadn’t been willing to do what you’re doing I never could have come here, so we are truly partners in everything we do.
I know more every day that we’re going to like it here, and on that glorious day when we’re all settled here we’ll both really begin to live again. I die a little too every day that I spend without you, and I dread the days that lie just ahead. I could never grow accustomed to living without you – instead it gets worse every single day that we’re apart. I feel it most of all at night when I turn off the light and go to bed. I could never sleep well alone again! When the light’s on I can see where I am and see how alone I am, but when I lie down in the dark I feel that you should be there beside me – and when I’m half-asleep I reach out to hold you close to me. That horrible empty feeling when my hand finds nothing but the wall – it would be impossible to describe if you didn’t feel it too. Oh my Mildred, my life is only in you. I won’t really live again at all until you are in my arms again.
You must take care of yourself and try to live some sort of a “normal” life while you’re there, get into a routine and have your meals on time and get enough sleep. You do have a big load to carry, their’s [sic] no getting away from that, and you just have to take care of yourself! I know there doesn’t seem to be anything but trouble and worries and waiting but please try to relax and have at least a little fun this summer.
Before you do any driving though, you’ll have to have a spare tire. Go to a tire store and get a retread – not a new one – and don’t let them charge you over about $9.00 for the tire and tube. It sounds like the car needs new spark plugs and a tune-up, go to a garage – George and Murray’s down the Hi-way is good – and have it done and I think the car will run O.K. Don’t let them sell you an overhaul or anything else. By the way – I forgot to tell you to use the 25 [cent] oil and regular gas in the car, anything better would spoil it. J
This afternoon my boss “invited” me to go out and look at the runway paving that I’m working on, and he’s a real “company-man” so we got back too late for me to get to the Beneficial Finance office before they closed. So I’ll take off in the morning and be there when they open up. Then, I’ll go right over to the post office and mail it to you. If it doesn’t get there the same time this does, go back in the afternoon and it might be there then.
I’ll ask you once more, although you may already have answered, what about writing to you at the Motel?
I’ve already written a card to Ben Wright and I’ll write him a letter soon. Also I’ll send a post-card to all of our friends – although it will be hard not to make them all sound alive (I hope they don’t’ get together and compare them).
I agree emphatically about sending the card back to my mother! She must have rocks in her head to think she can go right on as though nothing had ever happened Believe me, I didn’t write to her for her sake – only to get it off my chest so I could forget about it! [Linda note: Nobody in the family has any idea what the conflicts were about between my parents and my father’s family.]
I’ll check on the price of the Chevy Station Wagon – just out of curiosity. It would sure be nice to get it, but that’s another wild idea we’d better forget about – along with my idea of buying a house! If we can just get settled here without going broke we’ll be doing well – without buying anything more.
I’m glad I’m in time in telling you about the stove. I know how hard it is to part with our one remaining original appliance, but it would be completely useless here so sell it! L
I know there was something else I wanted to say but I can’t remember it. If it comes to me I’ll put a note in with the papers in the morning.
Try to tell the children how I love them and miss being with them, miss hearing their voices and hearing their prayers. Every time I see a little child it reminds me of them and makes me all the more homesick. As soon as I get payed [sic] I’ll send everyone a little gift – something Alaskan if I can find something that wasn’t made in Japan. Good night now, my beloved Mildred, and remember:
[He drew little musical notes all around the edges of this]
‘Till I hold you in my arms,
I will hold you in my heart.
I love you sweetheart, I love you forever and for always, I Love You, Bill
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IN MEMORY OF MY BORDERLINE MOTHER:
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