+++++++++++++++++

I woke up with continued thoughts related to being five, moving to Alaska and losing my grandmother.  In thinking about my mother’s letter I referred to in my last post, and about the pattern of my mother’s words about her mother as they appear in those summer 1957 letters she wrote to my father, I see the words ‘sulk’ and ‘pout’ appear frequently in her assessment of her mother.

These two words are directly connected to abuse in my history with my mother, primarily and especially vicious face-slapping which always involved verbal abuse (see:  *Age 9 – BLOODY NOSE).

In order to escape my thoughts today I have gone outside to work on my yard projects, and am only taking a brief break here to mention the theme of the thoughts I am avoiding.  I want my emotional turmoil related to this letter of my mother’s and the associations connected to them to settle down.  I am outside self-soothing with the exception of appearing here with my fingers on this keyboard for a very brief period of time.

Part of what is upsetting me right now is the realization moving throughout my entire body that all of the violence turned toward me, especially the verbal abuse connected to violent face-slapping was ACTUALLY meant for my grandmother!  Thousands of times in my childhood I was attacked by my mother because, according to her, I was pouting and/or sulking.  I NEVER knew what she was talking about, so there was no chance ever that I could avoid her abuse when she took off on that track.

As I see these words ‘sulk’ and ‘pout’ appearing in her writings as she describes her own mother, I have to wonder if her mother attacked her in the same way for the same so-called facial crimes when my mother was a child.  I will never know.

But this is the FIRST TIME EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE that I have been faced with my own thoughts that I was probably NOT just the projection of badness and evil that my mother could not tolerate accepting about her own self, I was ALSO – in addition to that — the projection of all that my mother hated and despised within and about HER OWN MOTHER (and possibly of her no-doubt abusive own grandmother, as well).

All this is making the reality of my mother’s devastatingly negative projections ONTO me grow like the marshmallow giant in the Ghost Busters movie within my emotional body.  Because these realizations are related to the terrible traumas of my childhood, they do not belong here as a part of my day today.  Yet I don’t want to avoid learning whatever I can learn about myself in relation to the dynamics of the Borderline condition my mother suffered from or of the abuse dynamics themselves.

But I don’t want an emotional avalanche, tornado, or tsunami to swallow me whole – AGAIN as it did for my childhood and well into my adulthood.

So I am outside planning where to put the amazing collection of 10 bare root roses I just received in the mail yesterday as a Mother’s Day present from my first born child, my eldest daughter.  There are 8 climbers and 2 large shrubs now soaking their roots in a large tub of water outside in the shade of the Mulberry tree.

They will be the plants the garden I will build to surround my planned-for adobe chapel on the borderline wall down here right on the American-Mexican line.  I am going to make a circle garden even though I don’t have a LOT of space that will be the ‘on earth – in earth’ physical mirror for me of the book I am working on, “360 Degrees of Change for Survivors of Difficult Childhoods.”  There will be an adobe walkway out there with The Ballerina rose plant my daughter sent me at its center.

This garden will exist right beside

The Little Adobe Chapel of the Peaceful Heart

That is exactly the way infant-child abuse survivors are learning how to be:  Strong and healthy as we grow on our own roots!  And, as with all survivors, its goodness and beauty can be easily propagated and spread around all over the place!

So, back to work outside.  Today I will do what I CAN do and give as little thought as possible to what I cannot.  I am learning how to use the assets that come with dissociation, disorganization and disorientation – I can choose what I organize and orient myself toward at every moment – if I can practice and learn how to do it!

++++

See last post here with mother’s letter included:   +ONE OF MOTHER’S 1957 LETTERS – INVOLVING MY GRANDMOTHER

++++

THIS ROSE WILL KEEP ITS BALLERINA SISTER SAFE

I just planted the first of the ten roses, The Mermaid– a voracious and protective highly thorned climbing rose.  I put it on my south boundary (Borderline) fence line.  Seemed appropriate to me as I ‘imaginally and metaphorically’ heal my own inner boundary issues by putting my Borderline mother and her madness OUTSIDE of who I AM.  She would not be able to get across THIS borderline protective fence once my Mermaid grows for protection!

Mermaid

1918

“‘Mermaid’ is a rose to take seriously. While it doesn’t have the objectionable suckering habit of its invasive parent, ‘The Macartney Rose,’ it is remarkably vigorous. It can be grown as a thorny, yet handsome mound of shiny, green foliage and saucer- sized, 5-petal, creamy yellow flowers. It will also happily climb into trees or over fences and is a good choice for smothering ugly outbuildings. ‘Mermaid’ is both fragrant and remontant once it is established.”

As one grower reports:

“Mermaid grows on my back fence–in fact, it dominates the fence. The rose grows vigorously with no fertilizing and puts out huge amounts of new growth and blooms. It is unapproachable, however, with nasty thorns, making it difficult to prune and try to control its growth. Put it in an area where people do not pass by. A truly impressive plant.”

++++

NOTE:  Blog is a matter of hours away from being able to appear on Kindle via subscription.

+++++++++++++++++