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While I am amazed that so many of my mother’s letters have survived, and am grateful for the window into our childhood that they provide, I am at the same time disappointed to find that the only letters that remain for 1965 are the ones written between October and December. The events surrounding mother’s pregnancy with her 6th baby, the events of the following winter, spring, summer and fall seem to be gone. All that remains are the few that I will transcribe and post at
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Our family went south to Santa Fe, New Mexico the fall of 1963 and back to Alaska that same fall. This time, in the fall of 1965 we went to Tucson, Arizona — again without my father who stayed in Alaska to work. This was my 9th grade year of high school. We started school late, and stayed in Tucson for the school year.
My parents had another son in between these two trips south. Not enough money remains a monster issue. Here again in this letter my mother talks about her needs — now that she’s 40 — with no idea how to get them met.
I do not believe the married, mothering life suited my mother’s personality — above and beyond the mental illness — I don’t think being responsible to and for others was her “thing.” I think she felt trapped and unfulfilled in many ways. Few women of her generation realized that they had the choice to remain single — and selfish. But for better or worse, not only did she ‘stay’, she kept on having babies. How much of our lives really IS CHOICE?
Do we have permission to access different choices today than what our parents realized they had? Nobody ever told me I had a choice not to be a wife and mother — and I sure didn’t figure it out on my own!
Yet at the same time I try from my vantage point today to be ‘fair’ in considering the pressures that might have been on my mother ‘back then,’ I have to be very careful not to reject my OWN reality of what she did to me for 18 years. I cannot lose sight of the fact that she stole from me my healthy, happy self. She stole from me my childhood. The saddest part about it is that I’m not sure she had a choice not to…….
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By the way, have any of you readers read this stunning SHORT book? Highly recommended. It does remind me of my mother — but it wasn’t my father who oppressed her. I’ll write more about this later – –
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postmarked November 16, 1965
Darling
Just a note – am enclosing Dorothy’s letter – came today – and a receipt for medicine for Steven.
He’s better! Much! So is his disposition but he still wakes up over and over all nite.
Oh Bill, I love you so much! So very much!
Such a sweet letter. Will you love me and talk to me when we’re together.
Oh, I wish I could write and strike gold. $ could open up a life of travel, a nice home – so much we need.
I had my Stanley party today. 8 women came – but so old and dull – Oh Bill I feel like flying, sailing – so full of fun, life and music. Should I at 40?
Some of them aren’t much older! Awful!
John is working and won’t be home ‘til 8:00 P.M. It’s on a busy street and a long walk home. I hope I was right in letting him do it!!!
We have to put that other $ for skiis [sic] and stuff back into his bank.
This is a note only. So much to say. I wish I had someone interesting to talk to.
I feel as if I don’t belong to the human race – these people – Oh, Bill, how and why am I so different??
I love you, Mildred
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Here is the next letter she wrote:
postmarked November 18, 1965
Thursday morning
Dear Bill,
S.O.S. My bills are paid now and now I need $ for groceries, gas – Thanksgiving – please!
I’ve stayed home so much I have to do something. I called Mother, as I told you, and told her she could come. I can’t be penniless when she comes.
Except for the Dr. bills and I can pay that next pay-day I’m O.K. here. Dental bills and Linda’s eye exam will wait until after Xmas!! John has a bad boil and I’ve put off taking him but guess I’ll have to. The car has to be greased now!
Send me 75 at least. Even then I’ll have to ration it.
I’ve just had breakfast and only Cindy and Linda get up at 6:15 A.M. with me and I leave at 7:30 to bring Cindy to school.
I froze last nite. I dreamt I went dancing and danced and danced and danced. Am I wacky? I’d love to go dancing.
I just had my – ugh – boiled egg, juice and toast.
No snacks at all! No sweets or lunch. I have meat and tomato. For dinner I had beets, salad and hamburg (no fun).
I am so happy I’m losing and it’s for you. If you don’t come I’ll leave for home as soon as I can find someone to rent this stupid place.
Bill, write me soon. Some of your letters are so warm – others are nice but like a stranger.
I wish I could bridge whatever gulf there is and keep it strong. Help me.
You’ve worked so long you haven’t been lonesome but you’ll know soon.
Love, Mildred.
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postmarked November 19, 1965
Thursday
My Own Sweet Darling,
I love you! Now and forever and ever and ever – first the beautiful card when I was blue as you’ll see in my recent letters – and I am sorry I tell you but have to, as always and have tried so hard today to overcome it – more of that later – BUT
The flowers. Oh Bill, how perfectly beautiful!!!! Thank you – already I’ve enjoyed them more than I can say – every time I glace at them I think of you and send love thoughts by thought wave.
Now … this morning I made myself go to Ceramics, good therapy, you know, for boredom and loneliness I told myself and I did, as always enjoy it – not the people – there’s nobody there I like and my neighbor didn’t go but working with the tools, paints and all. It always looks so different when fired – I never recognize my own things.
I told you my first completed one got knocked on the floor at home?? 60 cents. I’m making another……
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Stop the Storm 