On occasion I have heard people say about other people, “They have no self esteem.” I don’t believe this is ever an accurate statement. Everyone has self esteem. If is part of being human. What matters to me is how positive or how negative a person’s self esteem is.
A sense of esteem for the self grows right along with a growing self from birth. Researchers believe that the self of a person is formed by the age of two. It might be hard for us to believe, but by the time a child is that age it already has a strong sense of its own self worth — either positive or negative — built into the brain by every interaction that little person has already had with its early caregivers within its attachment environment.
Because the sense of self esteem, or self worth, is directly formed through attachment relationships, an unsafe and insecure environment will create an unstable connection to the self. Development within a safe and secure world provides a young child with a sense of confident connection to important others in its life and a sense of competence within itself. These conditions are directly connected to either a positive or a negative sense of self esteem and are reflected in the connection each person has to their own inner self in relationship to the world it lives in.
Once the self is formed by the age of two, along with the initial sense of safety, security and positive self esteem, or a sense of un-safety, insecurity and negative self esteem, all other ongoing experiences will be connected to this early formation and will be filtered through it. Only in cases of serious mental illness can a ‘second self’ be formed that will filter and process ongoing experience. In usual cases a growing child will attach future experience to the original self it formed and connects to for the rest of its life.
We can think of the experiences a child has during the time of its life from conception to age two as being like the time it takes to tune a piano that child will play its music on for the rest of its life. We can understand that playing on a well tuned piano will allow that child to create a musically harmonious self prepared to play in an equally harmonious world. On the other hand, a child who has unsafe and insecure attachment experiences will end up with a mistuned piano that cannot make beautiful music no matter how hard that person tries for the rest of its life.
We can, as adults, assess how well tuned our piano was primarily before the age of two in one of two ways. If we already know that there were serious problems in our very early brain development years we have our answer instantaneously. If, however, we have either never thought about ourselves back that far or have no available information at our finger tips that comes from our very early years, we can simply just look back at the patterns of our existence and search for what the overriding emotional tone that our self experiences in the present.
I am certainly not the one to say whether or not ‘bad’ versus ‘good’ people exist in the world. I believe that kind of thinking originated at a time when mythologies and fairy tales were used to explain events that people had no other way of understanding their lives. Today we know very clearly what the impact of very early mother-infant experiences are on the forming brain, nervous system, body and self that originates as a hopefully conscious interaction between a growing individual and their environment. We are not talking about magic. We are talking about cause and effect.
If we look back even at our adult and teen years and detect patterns of disappointments, wrong choices, hurtful relationships, failure to discover our best place in the work world and also detect that our overriding emotional tone is and has been anything other than balanced, competent calm and well being, we will know that we were most likely sent off in a less than safe and secure world in the first place. From the time of our unstable and probably malevolent beginnings we have been trying our hardest to correct our own behavior as if we are somehow to blame for being inadequate for the job of being a happy, well adjusted member of our society.
Our foundational sense of self esteem is not some ephemeral or nebulous construction. It is very real and it actually came from a time of our lives when we had pitifully small powers to control our environments — before we were two years old. I am not talking about some Freudian fantasy of puppet figures from our past related to our own wishful thinking. I am talking about the formation of our brains as our self and our sense of worth, value and place in the world was told to us by the people who took care of us before age two — or didn’t.
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Lest we think that we are some kind of exception to a natural rule just because we are of a conscious species, let me assure you we are not. Research has demonstrated, for example, that if a litter of a calm rat mother’s babies are raised with the calm mother they will end up to be calm rat adults. If a litter of a nervous ‘neurotic’ mother rat are allowed to grow up under her care, the resulting adults will also be nervous and ‘neurotic’. No surprise and no magic there.
But here is the surprise though still nothing magical. If you take the calm mother rat’s babies away from her at birth and put them under the care of the nervous ‘neurotic’ mother rat, those same calm mother babies will grow up to be nervous and ‘neurotic’. Take the nervous ‘neurotic’ mother rat’s babies away at birth and give them to the calm mother to raise and those babies will grow up to be calm adults.
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So what are we left with about hope of positive changes in our lives if our early beginnings were actually a disaster? Because the human brain is the most complex structure known to exist, we are all at a point of marveling at its potential for change.
Three fascinating links related to the Dali Lama and the science of the brain are listed below
http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/labnotes/archive/2009/02/24/mom-dad-dna-and-suicide.aspx
http://www.mindandlife.org/conf04.html
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And take a look at author Alice Miller’s site for prevention of child abuse
http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php
More than anything else, I am asking that we consider child abuse backgrounds when facing the difficulties of adult life for anybody who has come from such a past. While it might be difficult for us to consider our own life or the life of others who might be troubled, with respect, dignity and caring compassion, I believe that it will only be under this light of firm but gentle kindness that we can change the patterns that have been ingrained not only in ourselves, but within our cultures around the globe.
We have to take the consequences of infant and child abuse extremely seriously. I cannot, unfortunately, locate a source for the following, but I believe it is true.
I heard that the Dali Lama was asked at one of the neuroscience sessions related to the deprivations caused by abusive childhoods whether or not he believed that an adult with a severely abusive early upbringing had the same ability to advance spiritually in this world as do people who did not have very early extreme abuse histories. It is said that the Dali Lama was quiet in thought for some time before he responded, “No, they do not.”
This means to me that we still do not fully know the adult consequences of early malevolent conditions on all aspects of development. If nobody really yet knows, then we cannot expect ourselves to know the impact that our own early malevolent experiences had on us, either. We will not gain either the knowledge or the changes we seek by being harsh on ourselves or on one another. But in cases where adults are passing on the abuse they experienced to their offspring, we have to be ready to do whatever is necessary to intervene on behalf of their children.
At no point is this a journey for the faint of heart — not for us individually or for us collectively. It is not a journey that can be taken in an atmosphere of ambiguity. We must become clear about what we are facing so that the most helpless and innocent members of our species will not be forced to suffer from what we adults have created to harm them.
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Here are some positive self esteem related books from Gallup Press that I recommend though I have not yet had a chance to read them myself:
In 2004, Gallup Press’ first book, How Full Is Your Bucket?, became an instant #1 New York Times bestseller. This led to the publication of several more strengths books, including StrengthsFinder 2.0 (2007) and Strengths Based Leadership (2009). Fueled by the continued demand for its original strengths-based classic, Gallup Press is releasing two new titles based on How Full Is Your Bucket?.
How Full Is Your Bucket? For Kids (available now)
| Because of the overwhelming response from parents and teachers to How Full Is Your Bucket? — many of whom have asked for a “kids’ version” — Gallup Press has created How Full Is Your Bucket? For Kids. Tom Rath coauthored the book with early childhood development expert Mary Reckmeyer, and they partnered with the brilliant children’s book illustrator Maurie Manning. | |
| This new book brings the basic dipper and bucket metaphor to life through the story of a young boy named Felix. In How Full Is Your Bucket? For Kids, Felix begins to see how every interaction he has with others in a day either fills or empties his bucket. Felix then realizes that everything he says or does to other people fills or empties their buckets as well. | |
Expanded Anniversary Edition of How Full Is Your Bucket?
(available in mid-June)
| This new, expanded hardcover Anniversary Edition of How Full Is Your Bucket? includes updated research and content, with a removable workbook for individual, team, and organizational development. |
For more information, or to purchase these new books, visit:
How Full Is Your Bucket? For Kids (available now):
How Full Is Your Bucket? Anniversary Edition (available in mid-June):
Stop the Storm 
Funny, you should mention Alice Miller. Your post yesterday prompted me to revisit her website. I have read all her books. You are both on the same track.
Your last few blogs have me thinking how big a problem this is (poor parenting), how ingrained it is in our culture and how little it is addressed in therapy. It is also sad to think how permanent early trauma can be and how little can be done once it has happens.
Thank you, and yes yes yes
When I look at the problem upside down I think that if all children on this planet were guaranteed a safe and securely attached childhood that would mean that our entire human culture would have to be different and better. The fact that children do not have this guarantee is a symptom of the fact that as species we still do not know what is best for us.