I do not want to do this writing.  It makes me scared, ‘crazy’ and miserable.  When I walked away from my computer, writing and research mid December 2008, just when I discovered what I was looking for with ‘substance p’ as it connects emotional and physical pain in the body and the brain, I never went back until the first week of April when my sister, C. called me about starting a blog.

During the time I wasn’t writing I was living in a ‘bubble’ I had created that let me feel like I could begin to float on up and away from being so sad all the time.  The sadness was still there, but I could sometimes look at it from a distance.

Now that I am writing again I can’t find that bubble, I can’t return to that ‘better’ place.  Now I feel like I’m being crushed by a falling mountain, or falling myself into darkness that has no end.  I am again surrounded by a sense of forboding and live daily without a sense of well being or hope.

But now that I’m ‘back here’ I don’t know how to escape again.  My mind does not allow me easy transition between any kind of ‘states’ of mind or of emotions.  I cannot find a middle ground that allows me to write while I’m separated from what I write about, nor can I leave the writing for brief periods of time and separate myself from the reality of who I am based on what I’ve gone through.

I feel caught in the storm.  I feel like I am spiraling downward, not upward.My only hope in writing at all has always been that I might write something that will help someone else understand who they are better in the light of anything new I might be able to offer about what happened to me.  Yet I have no way of even knowing if that’s possible, let alone know if it’s happening.

The only place I can find for self soothing is to disconnect myself from the writing and leave it alone, hoping I can find a way to make a different bubble.  Yet if my greater purpose is to make something useful and beautiful somehow from my life’s experiences, I have to remain at my task.