Saturday, January 25, 2014. First of all I wish to say I miss hearing from you Helen/Outloud 2 and am worried about you! I think of you often and always with love and prayers!
Secondly in this short period of time I have before my daughter and my nearly 4-year-old grandson pick me up this morning so I can go to the free movie with them that should be big fun I want to say that I think I am in the middle of a major shift in my writing work.
This shift is being earned by me right now!! The blessing is that I am still alive and “with it” enough to make it through this shift not only in one piece but also – I greatly hope – with renewed determination to finish the books I have started.
With the publication of the first book as mentioned at the bottom of this post (although the cover is still under construction) I strongly sense this morning as I hear an inner voice that seems to be shouting at me from the bottom of a very deep well, my initial intention that has carried me through literally years of work on writing my story along with the story of my psychotic mentally ill abusive mother to help give a voice to currently suffering infants and children experiencing neglect and abuse without reprieve has been fulfilled in this first book.
Everything I write now and into the future, which includes what is contained within the 9 manuscripts awaiting editing and proofing, is about what it is like for SURVIVORS of the horror of abusive childhoods to continue living in their Trauma Altered bodies.
The stories of horrific infancies and childhoods does not end when some magical line is crossed in physiological development. SIZE of the body and literal AGE is not the division point any of us can afford to imagine it is.
The silence of our stories continues right along with us throughout our entire lifespan.
On the deepest levels of who we are in this lifetime, right at the cellular/molecular level of our existence in our body we fight to move forward in our life with every breath we take.
I don’t imagine many “others” truly wish to understand that the suffering early abuse and neglect trauma causes us lasts our entire life. I also cannot imagine any circumstance when this trauma does not follow us into the lives of our children and grandchildren.
True the abuse did not follow through me into the lives of my kids but they suffer always without a happy healthy mother! This is an incredible burden upon them! I am NOT there for them in ways a happy and healthy mother can be. I am certain of that. They suffer for my suffering and I know they worry about me now and about me in the future. They are POWERLESS to fix what they did not break!
I realize I am now moving in the direction of giving voice to what it is like for adult survivors to be entombed within what the Centers for Disease Control label “The ACE Pyramid.”
Our body is locked within the confines of Trauma Altered Development (TAD) as long as it lives.
Who among the therapists I tried to get help from ever even told me my abusive mother was severely mentally ill? None of them. They certainly never told me that everything I suffered through for the first 18 years of my life was directly due to the PSYCHOTIC nature of her illness that placed me in her hell at the core of it.
Certainly nobody informed me – FIRST AND FOREMOST – that everything I experience happens through the filter of my TAD body!!
I am going to a movie now. Then I am going shopping with my daughter and grandson to pick up the bare essentials of life I need to survive another week in this place of frigid below zero (F) weather. It will be wonderful to be in that love-exchange bubble for a short period of time before I return to this window-constricted tiny apartment to finish warping my loom for the next colorful back-and-forth weaving adventure that allows me to do some balancing between my heavily (TAD)altered left and right brain hemispheres.
NOBODY alive is more heroic than we survivors are!! True there are people suffering in the present from all kinds of horrible traumas around us, around the globe. But if they did not suffer TAD at the hands of their earliest attachment caregivers at least their body and brain works for them in ways that ours never will.
CUDOS to us ALL!
Here is our first book out in ebook format. A very kind professional graphic artist is going to revise our cover pro bono – what a gift and thank you Ben!
It lists for $2.99 and can be read free for Amazon Prime customers. Reviews for the book on the Amazon.com site are WELCOME and appreciated!
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